Help! Dad in serious denial.

[Little Sunshine]

Hello!

This is my first post. My Dad is 63 and recently received the results of a brain scan which indicate he likely has either Alzheimer’s or dementia or both.

It has taken me and my Mum 2 years to even get him to a brain scan as he refuses to accept there is anything wrong with him. Me and Mum are not at all surprised with the results and expected it. The only reason we eventually managed to get him to have the scan is because the GP mentioned a possible brain tumour.

Even though Dad has been told the results of the scan and that he now needs to see a specialist for more tests (I think before a full diagnosis is given), he is still in complete denial. He says he is completely healthy, still does everything the same and there is nothing wrong. It is not the case at all. He has not been himself for a very long time and has recently got worse quickly.

Me and my Mum are at such a loss at what to do, how to approach this and ensure he sees a specialist (who I hope will provide some medication to assist)? I know that denial is a massive part of the problem. My Dad has always been a stubborn man anyway and has become even more so!

Anyone got any advice on how to approach or deal with this? Anything at all would help as we really are at the end of our tether now. It has sadly become that me and my Mum mostly only ever talk about Dad and that is affecting our own relationship too! Such a sad situation, particularly both of my parents retired within the last couple of years and were ready to have a great retirement that they’d worked so hard for!

We do have Lasting Power of Attorney sorted already thankfully.

Thank you all.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Give up now and it's probably best just to accept that he will never recognise that he has alzheimers. It will save you and him a whole lot of stress in the long run as it is a very common problem. There is a name for this refusal to accept it but I have forgotten it. It is honestly easier all round to just call it a slight memory problem that just comes with age.

My dad does not have alzheimers either, the doctors don't know what they are talking about and they are probably all daft anyway. Dad does take a memory tablet to help as do all other people of his age.

Sorry to be so blunt but you will probably never convince him and it is less upsetting to just agree with him and say that it is normal ageing.

You have POA so that is good.

Do try to follow it up with the GP and get him to the memory clinic as it is the only way to get the medication. My dad has been told twice now by doctors straight to his face that he has dementia. Each time he said he understood and both times as soon as the doctor was out of sight he told me that they don't know what they are talking about.

I do not mention the D word or the A word ever when dad is around, just a little memory problem.

Sorry that you and your mum are in this situation but pleas do keep posting as this is a good place and helped me a great deal. Others will be along shortly with most probably the same answer as me but there may be other ideas.

 

[canary]

Hello @Little Sunshine and welcome to Talking Point.
The word that @Duggies-girl was thinking of is anosognosia. Its a very common, but little talked about symptom of dementia which means that they are totally unable to comprehend that they have anything wrong. It is not denial and you will never be able to convince them that they have Alzheimers/dementia, so just stop trying.

I never used the D or A word with mum either and just referred to her memory problems (which was probably just normal for age ) I wouldnt tell your dad about the appointment in advance as it will give him more time to get worked up about it. Perhaps you could say that he has got an appointment so that they can make sure that he is OK,

 

[Duggies-girl]

Yes @Little Sunshine I agree with @canary about the appointments. If dad has an appointment I will stay the night and set my mobile alarm and answer it when it rings. Then I just tell dad that it was the hospital and he has just been fitted in for a check up, it seems to work as he goes along with it with just a little moaning. Dad also has cancer but has no memory of that either and every appointment is his first. As soon as we get out of the door he says that he is glad that that is all done with and that he won't have to go again. My dad is actually very easy to cope with.

It depends on how compliant your dad is. My dad is probably a lot further along the road than your dad so you will need to tread lightly.

I imagine that this all sounds very worrying and totally alien to you but we learn from experience and there is a lot of that to be found on talking point. You are probably overwhelmed with it all at the moment but if you and your mum can try to have patience with your dad and avoid any arguments it is a lot easier.

I only joined Talking Point a little over a year ago and I have learnt more from here than from any of the pamphlets that the memory clinic gave us.

 

[Little Sunshine]

Give up now and it's probably best just to accept that he will never recognise that he has alzheimers. It will save you and him a whole lot of stress in the long run as it is a very common problem. There is a name for this refusal to accept it but I have forgotten it. It is honestly easier all round to just call it a slight memory problem that just comes with age.

My dad does not have alzheimers either, the doctors don't know what they are talking about and they are probably all daft anyway. Dad does take a memory tablet to help as do all other people of his age.

Sorry to be so blunt but you will probably never convince him and it is less upsetting to just agree with him and say that it is normal ageing.

You have POA so that is good.

Do try to follow it up with the GP and get him to the memory clinic as it is the only way to get the medication. My dad has been told twice now by doctors straight to his face that he has dementia. Each time he said he understood and both times as soon as the doctor was out of sight he told me that they don't know what they are talking about.

I do not mention the D word or the A word ever when dad is around, just a little memory problem.

Sorry that you and your mum are in this situation but pleas do keep posting as this is a good place and helped me a great deal. Others will be along shortly with most probably the same answer as me but there may be other ideas.

Thank you, I didn’t realise that there would be another stage to getting the medication. I think the D or A word is what he finds the most hard so I will certainly take your advice.

 

[Little Sunshine]

Thank you all for your advice!

 

[dm2]

I think the advice given is very good! MIL here is the same, but with a very stubborn streak to make it worse. If she hears anyone mention the word dementia you have a screaming banshee on your hands and three days of abuse in punishment. She can't remember anything from 5 minutes ago, but she will remember someone using the word 'dementia' for days on end! She heard me say it this morning on the phone, so i'm in for it now! Lol!

As she is the way she is, it actually was helpful. She has been so aggressive and combatant with doctors and healthcare workers during the diagnosis stage, she was appointed a social worker which apparently people normally fight to get to see for assessments etc. So that was on a plate, so it had some benefits i guess. She refuses to accept she has any health issues. She is on maximum meds which reduces the confusion quite a bit - although alcohol stops that working so well, so you know when she has been sneaking her booze in!

I try to keep everything calm, and relaxed - but nothing is bulletproof. Losing her scooter keys again resulted in a tantrum from hell. My approach was to go to the shop to get her tissues for her, and her that her keys will turn up or she'll remember where they are later. I could go and find them , there are likely three places, they will certainly be in one of them - but that will result in another battle as she will either think you are being controlling by finding them when she couldn't, or even worse you hid them on purpose because you are an evil b*****d.....or likely both!

Social worker said to me 'Whatever you do, you are wrong in her eyes - it isn't about what makes sense to you or anyone else , its' about what makes sense to her' - Which does make perfect sense when you think of it. Your job is to keep them calm and their distress minimised, so if that is what it takes - then so be it. You'll probably get thick skinned eventually, you'll certainly get blamed for a lot - but don't take it personally, you are walking the line that is dementia.

Let him think whatever he is comfortable dealing with, give him whatever help he is comfortable accepting.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

My mother would also get agitated when the A word was used. What worked for me was "Well, your memory isn't what it used to be" which she reluctantly accepted.

As far as going to appointments, I would just sweep her along on the day. I found there was no point in telling her as she would forget anyway.