Help and advice needed about mom


Registered User
Aug 31, 2005
Hi everyone

This is my first posting. Mom was diagnosed with alzheimer's twelve months ago. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital because dad had just died and she was almost suicidal. Whilst there alzheimer's was diagnosed. During the past year things have gone from bad to worse. We were told that by now mom wouldn't recognise us. This isn't the case even though her short term memory is now very bad. The main problem we are facing is that mom cries constantly every time we visit her. We had her back at home and arranged for her to go to day centres twice a week. She was fine while she was there but at home and when my sister and myself were there she cried constantly. She has now had to go into residential care and again every time we visit or take her out she cries. It is so upsetting because every visit is so traumatic. The home say that when she is there alone she is fine. She constantly says that she wants to come home. We haven't told her that she is in residential care for good because we fear the consequences.

Please help if you can.


blue sea

Registered User
Aug 24, 2005
Hi Jacky

I'm sure the carers are telling you the truth and that your mum is fine when you have left her (it's like leaving a toddler at playgroup syndrome). I found it easier when dad first went into a home to visit before a meal. I still often do this and leave him as his meal is put on the table - he seems to focus on the food, not me going! The carers are very good. if I let them know when I was ready to go they would distract dad. At one stage he liked them to take him to the window to wave to me in the car park. You might even be better using some white lies - you may find you need to do this more nad more as the illness progresses. I used vague phrases like - 'I'll be back soon' and kept the leaving very quick and casual rather than making it into a big parting. Dad got to the stage where trying to get him to understand what day I was next going to visit just made him very anxious. Leaving your mum with something or someone to distract her is probably the best bet - somec chocolates might help! In any event focus on the fact she is happy and well looked after. You will remember her upset for hours afterwards but she will probably forget it within a couple of minutes.

Thinking of you - we're all in this together.

Blue sea


Registered User
Aug 31, 2005
To Blue sea

Hello blue sea

Thanks for your reply. Only one so far.

Your advice is sound and when I have my sensible head on it's fine but when the emotions set in I feel so guilty particularly as at the moment we are closing up mom's house which includes giving all her things away apart from personal things. She keeps asking how her house is and we feel so crue. The thing is we can't take anything into the home because mom won't have anything there because she says she is coming home.

I do try to visit at meal times. Your comment about children at a playgroup is so so true.

It's so helpful to read and discuss things.

Best wishes.



Registered User
Jun 2, 2005
Los Angeles, USA
Hi Jacky,

You might get more response to this type of post in the "Support for people with dementia and their carers" forum. Frequently that is the only forum I look at. This kind of question/issue would not be out of place there.

Sorry to hear your mom is so emotional, in a way that must be very upsetting for you. It's tough feeling like you are practicing a deception on a parent, even when you know it is for their own best good.

Every dementia patient seems to progress through the disease differently, so I don't think anyone can really predict that someone will, for instance, not recognize family in a year's time. Maybe the doctors were trying to prepare you for the possibility that such might be the case.

I hope your mom will soon get through this phase and to a point where she seems more content.



Registered User
Jul 22, 2005
Probably totally unrelated BUT I had the same problem when my mum was in a short stay assessment centre - absolute nightmare leaving her / really distressed (even when we had just arrived) - cried from the minute I arrived to the minute I left - continously going on about going home and every time I moved got up to come with me (absolutely heartbreaking). The guilt when I left her each day was unbelievable - but she is back home now and I have had to promise that I will never send her to "that place" again - God forbid if situation changes /worsens BUT dont think I will ever be able to break that promise.

Must be terrible for you - Thinking of you and wishing you all the best !

Forum statistics

Latest member
Diana White