Help..abx not working!!!

[Baby Bunty]

Hi all..i just posted but not sure were..i still no good at this.x as mentioned in previous post..mum is end stage vascular dementia. With re current chest infections..she had 4 course off abx and they havent worked..doctor gave us 3 options..1...hosptial..
2 cont abx
3 withdraw abx.. doctors suggested to withdraw..but we as a family decide another course so this is 5th course..however she finish this on fri and her chest is still bad...help as i dont know what to do..if i say withdraw i feel like i am signing mums death sentence!!..once agian i am overwhelmed with emotions!!!!

 

[Beate]

No one is signing anything. At end of life antibiotics can stop working. It was the same with my OH. They put him on IV antibiotics in hospital but decided after a few days that they weren't working so they were withdrawn and he was made comfortable. Sometimes we just have to accept the inevitable.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thankyou so much for reply..i just feel helpless..cant bear thought off mum dying and yet i understand it will come...she so so tired and exhausted..i know i need to do whats best for mum..but find this totally overwhelming...she only 39kg..was a big lady..know she cant do anything for herself at all..sleeps 22 hours and when awake she says she tired..my heart is breaking!.xx i honestly dont think hospital is an option as we want mum to stay in her care home. ( recent admission in hospital was 15 hours on trolley for mum to be disharge on oral abx)..were the staff all are brillant..and know mum..and she loved there.xx

 

[Bunpoots]

I had to make exactly the same decision for my aunt. She had no children of her own and we were very close. I too thought she'd pull through, but the antibiotics stopped working. It is heartbreaking.

I didn't move her to hospital and the care home staff were amazing. She died peacefully without the stress of a pointless move.

Thinking of you.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thankyou for reply...i dont want mum in hospital as dementia patients dont get care needed!!..we are lucky as mums home is amazing...just finding it so so hard..thankyou agian for reply ..as i feel like i am having a breakdown..i am youngest off 7and thankfully we are all close and want whats best for mum..but i not sure i am doing my best..or am i being selfish..!!

 

[canary]

This stage is very difficult and upsetting - Im sure you are not being selfish.
If your mum is just made comfortable and antibiotics withdrawn you could ask whether she could go back to her care home. Sometimes, though, they dont want to do this if the move would cause distress.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thank you for reply..Mum is in care home..as we think hospital is not best place..re admission in dec..15 hours on trolley then discharge on oral abx..since the she has stayed in her care home.xxx

 

[canary]

Sorry, I thought you meant that your mum is in hospital.
Mum didnt go into hospital at the end either. I talked to the GP at mums care home and to the manager of the care home and it was agreed that mum would be put on palliative care only. She was kept comfortable at the end with painkillers via a syringe driver - all other drugs were removed. She passed away 17 days later in her care home surrounded by family and in familiar surroundings. The staff at the care home were wonderful to mum.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thankyou...all i want is for mum to be comfortable and gp and home is brillant..however should i say try 6th course..or is it futile??.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Sorry for going on..just cant stop crying !!!

 

[nae sporran]

Sorry I have no advice for you Baby Bunty, but the alzheimers society have a helpline if you think talking to someone might help, the number is 0300 222 1122. It's open 9am - 8pm Monday to Wednesday, 9am - 5pm on Thursday and Friday, 10am - 4pm on Saturday and Sunday. You can also email them at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.

 

[Cat27]

What would your mum have wanted for herself pre dementia?

I made the decision for my Dad on the advice of doctors & knowing Dad’s own wish to be let go peacefully.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thanks for replys..i cant talk to anyone..as i cry constanly..xxx mum would hate it as she was a very independent person and never asked anyone for anything! If she knew she is unable to feed herself...double incontinent..unware off herself..unable to move herself..now in bed or sometimes hoist in to wheelchair ..she would be mortified!!!..mum was a very very proud person.!!..she saying she been with her grandmother..how died aleast 70 years ago!!..this disease is so so cruel!!

 

[canary]

Somebody on here said about medical intervention in late stages - Are you prolonging life, or merely prolonging death?

I found that very helpful when mum reached final stage.

 

[karaokePete]

I didn’t comment on this thread earlier as I didn’t want to seem insensitive, however, the thread has moved on somewhat. I once read a paper written by a chaplain in a hospice (sorry can’t find the reference) that concerned end of life decisions. The basic finding was that many months after a persons death the family members often expressed the view that they wished they had stopped active treatment sooner. The death was prolonged by the family being unable to ‘let go’, so as to speak, and they came to realize that they weren’t necessarily acting in the best interests of their loved one. It was an interesting concept.

It is a difficult time and one that I faced with my dad when he was in the terminal stages of cancer. We let him go peacefully and I have never regretted the decision to request the stop of active treatment. I wish you the strength you will need at this time. Keep posting on TP as we are all here for you @Baby Bunty.

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thankyou so much for reply..its very much appreciated..i totally understand what you are saying..and yes that chaplain is right..that whats worries me..when i said am i being selfish..and thinking off myself and not my mum.x i know mum wouldnt want this.xx having a meeting tomorrow with family and yes i think its time to let her be and be comfortable and pain free as that is my main concern..once agian thankyou to you all ..this as been a god send to me this forum.xxxx

 

[canary]

((((((((((hugs))))))))) @Baby Bunty
Its a hard decision, but I think its the right one

 

[Baby Bunty]

I know..just hard to accept..once agian i am grateful to you all for support.xxxx

 

[Soobee]

It's one of those decisions you never think you would have to face, let alone learn to accept the reasons for making it.

If antibiotics have stopped working it seems that in a way the decision may have been made for you?

I hope your mum remains comfortable.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I had to make a similar decision for my dad last year with iv fluids and antibiotics fully understanding the consequences of my decision taken after talking to his consultant.i had in my mind how dad would want end of life...to keep trying against the odds when the inevitable would happen eventually if not the sepsis then the advanced dementia or let him have a peaceful and comfortable end of life. I also had in my mind two phrases...just because we can doesn't mean we always should and intervention in dad's circumstances prolongs death it doesn't prolong life. I regret only that dementia made me make that and other crucial decisions but at the time and a year on I don't regret the decision itself and dad would have been proud of me that I was able to take that final kind decision for him. I send you best wishes and hope you are able to come to a decision whichever way you go however maybe looking at having so many courses of antibiotics and still no improvement is giving you your answer