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Helo.im.new .we are looking after our mum.age 77 she.vascula dementia she had bad sundowners on.evening ringing up about 8 times a night asking same q


New member
Mar 28, 2020
Mum.in.law has vascula dementia she 77 lives alone in bungerlow .refusing help .we try go 3 times a week..we both have full time jobs me and hubby .we trying our best .mum rings us io to 10 times a night .thinks her hubby still.alive thinks her children are small ..mum.is getting worse .we in contact with social care but mum refusing help .what do we do any advice please thanks ❤
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Registered User
Mar 27, 2020
It may be a possibility to contact an Admiral Nurse in your area. They are able to provide advice and signpost to help available much like Macmillan does for cancer. Also surgeries often have a designated person for over 75s, which I found very helpful. It's so hard for you when you are working and living with guilt that you definitely SHOULDN'T have as it's clear you are trying. Has your mum got an adult care social worker designated as you could talk to them about your individual mum and circumstances. There are also buddy schemes who can ring your mum just for a chat through Age UK. I know these might not work for your mum in law but thought it may be worth a try. Good luck x


Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Roxyroco

You must be absolutely exhausted with all the phone calls at night. Could you leave the phone to go to answerphone with a comforting message on it after a certain time so that you can get some sleep.

It’s not easy to get someone to accept help when they don’t believe they need it. My dad was the same but I managed to get him to accept a care visit by telling him it was someone who needed a cleaning / gardening job. At first she just did the housework and a bit of gardening and checked he’d taken his pills. She’d also have a coffee and a chat and dad enjoyed her company. As he needed more help she’d also check he’d eaten and microwave him a meal.
He started with 3 visits a week and ended up with 4 visits a day as his needs increased.

Other people have used other “reasons” to get care accepted. Just say what you think your mum will accept ...sometimes with dementia you have to bend the truth..


Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
N Ireland
Hello @Roxyroco and welcome from me too

I wonder if you may find any local support services to be of some use. You can do a post code check to see what's available to you by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

The full list of the very informative Factsheets can be found with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

Admiral Nurses have been mentioned and you can get to their site by clicking the following link

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