Hello!

[Kathychick]

Hi everyone. I'm a carer (with my sister) For my mum who has alzhiemers and vascular dementia. There's a long history of mental health as well.

I'm just exhausted. We've tried care at home, 24 hour care, and most recently a care home. She took to calling the ambulance every day at home, so we organised 24 hour live in care, which she really struggled with and now tried 2 weeks in a care home which is making her more agitated than ever and she's constantly asking to "go home".

Looks like we will need to get her home again. Its all just so exhausting. I just don't think we can ever really get this right. She constantly asks to go home when she is home.

At a loss.

 

[Kevinl]

Don't worry, we've all been there as carers, going home alone when leaving my wife went into care and I went home alone, saddest day of my life. K

 

[Kathychick]

Don't worry, we've all been there as carers, going home alone when leaving my wife went into care and I went home alone, saddest day of my life. K

Thankyou

 

[Kathychick]

Thankyou

Sounds tough 😪

 

[Kevinl]

More than welcome Kathy. K

 

[Kevinl]

Well it was a bit tough, with mum I think was down to self neglect, living alone and not eating properly, soon as she came to live with us she turned out to be brains of the operatinion.
As my wife declined much faster then mum was the brains of the operation, wife did as told.
its a mess up, 24 solid gold mess up, and carers are just taken for granted.
sorry for ranting. K

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Kathychick and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. Asking to 'go home' is very common and doesn't necessarily mean a specific place, it's more a case of wanting to be somewhere 'safe', away from the confusion of dementia. My mum went through this too, and as you have found, your mum is asking to 'go home' wherever she is so a move back home isn't going to change this. Dementia doesn't come with instructions, and it can sometimes be difficult to know what to do for the best, but it's not a case of you not getting things right, you and your sister are doing your best for your mum and she is safe and receiving 24hr care. As she has only been in the care home for two weeks it is very early days in terms of settling, this can sometimes take months. How often are you visiting her? Visits from relatives can sometimes act as a 'trigger', a reminder of home, so it may be helpful for you to speak to the staff to see how your mum is when you aren't visiting. It's not surprising that you and your sister are exhausted but I hope that things start to improve for you all soon, and you may find find the attached link helpful in terms of some techniques that might help. This is a friendly and supportive place so you may receive other suggestions too as people are happy to help if they can:

‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @Kathychick do try to stick with the care home, for all the reasons outlined by @Louise7 above. You will find your Mum won’t be happy wherever she is, as her dementia will follow her. It’s the best place for her, and for you and your sister.