1. tulapip

    tulapip Registered User

    Mar 17, 2008
    1
    Hampshire
    Hi, I am new to this site but from what I have read it seems a great place for comfort and reassurance for carers. My Father has had AD for about 6 years and I have been his main carer for most of that time. However, during the last 6 months things have been quite hard and we made the decision to put him into a care home in January, needless to say it has been the worst 2 months of my life! He was first placed in a state run care home about 40 mins from his home where Social Services wanted to keep him because it wouldn't cost them so much, regardless of the fact that the security of the home was very, very, lax and he had managed to "escape" twice! I fought them long and hard to get him a place closer to home so that we could visit him more often. I eventually found him a lovely room 5 minutes away but was told by SS that it was more than their "rates" and the family would have to pay £55 top up fee's which we just couldn't afford. So a very stressfull time was made much worse by their attitude! We eventually managed to get a room at their rates and moved him 3 weeks ago, however, although its a lovely place and I believe he's well cared for moving him after 5 weeks has seriously disrupted and unsettled him and he is having trouble settling at the new place. 2 weeks ago he got really agressive because he wanted to go home and the staff struggled to cope with the situation so they asked us if we would mind not going to see him for a few days in order for him to settle in. We agreed, but since then they have just kept saying another few days, another few days and its is now 2 weeks since he has seen any of the family. I am finding this very stressfull and my Father must think he's been abandoned. Is this normal procedure or should I be making more of a fuss?
     
  2. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,156
    Toronto, Canada
    Quite often I hear that care homes ask that families not visit for a while. But two weeks is very difficult on you, although it may not be bothering your father as much as it is you.

    Why don't you suggest that you visit the home but spend a little time going over things with the staff? You can maybe just have a little peek at your dad. I would be asking about medication too. They tend to have an overly free hand sometimes. If push comes to shove, can they actually keep you out? I don't think so. But explain your concerns and keep your visits very short when you first start going in.
     
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Hallo tulapip, welcome to TP.

    I would agree with what Joanne has suggested. Only you know what your relationship with your dad is, and how it may be affecting him.

    Of course it has been a difficult time all round, with two moves in such a short time. You need to reassure yourself that all is well.

    You can be at the home, and give background about your dad, which could help them to settle him.

    Please let us know how things work out.
     
  4. jane@hotmail

    jane@hotmail Registered User

    Mar 13, 2008
    49
    Bedfordshire
    You poor thing, you must feel so bad right now. We had to move my mum into a care home when things got really bad for my dad about 18 months ago. I'll never forget the feelings we all went through.How unsettled and distressed she was, it was horrible. You've had the added stress of having to move him too. I think the care home is being very harsh, expecting you to stay away so long. I think you've done very well to stay away, but I think you should explain to them how you're feeling. After caring for your father for so long it's only natural that you're feeling the way you do. I agree with joanne and connies advice. For your own peace of mind you need some input. Good luck
     
  5. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Make a fuss
    Barb X
     
  6. zoet

    zoet Registered User

    Hi Tulapip, that must be very hard for you, (I would be frantic with worry), but it's quite common practice to let people settle before family visiting.

    How about you make your own version of a care plan to give to the Home to help him settle quicker? Its basically a sort of list of each area of your dads life, and how he and you deal with it. Try to cover things like eating and drinking, tolieting, sleeping, walking/moving, bathing/washing, leisure/activities.

    Write what your dad does and doesn't like, and any problems he has with things and what you do about them.
    For example: "Dad likes a cup of tea first thing in the morning. He takes two sugars and not much milk. He likes it in his big mug and drinks it in bed. He eats cereal, (warm milk and bran flakes) and has a piece of toast with jam on for breakfast. He loves chicken but hates liver and tuna. He only has a small meal for tea, a sandwich or a piece of cheese toast. He doesn't like eating with lots of noise going on, and he uses the loo just before his meals." That would be an eating/drinking example. Do that for each area. It will make you feel much better sharing your knowledge of dad, and will help the staff tremendously to ensure he settles.

    In my experience the littlest things make all the difference, and they can be overlooked by a Home. You may be able to think of something that does just the trick to comfort him and make him feel at home. YOU KNOW HIM BEST.

    Of course there are some areas he will have to adjust because being IN a home is never the same as being AT home. But he WILL adjust so dont worry. It takes time and patience from the staff and you, and you are doing really well waiting so long.

    I would ring the home and TELL them you will be visiting, it is your right, and I dont think your visiting will set him back too much really if all his other routines are kept up as much as possible.
    I hope you get to see him very soon. Good luck and take care. x:)
     
  7. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Hello and welcome to TP,

    I really feel for you and personally feel that you have stayed away long enough. You have accommodated their wishes so far and found that very stressful.

    I think for your own peace you need to visit and know your dad is alright. Take Care, Taffy.
     
  8. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Hello Tulapip,

    Don't hesitiate. Go and see your dad. It must have been an agonising time for you all, not being able to see him. As has been said, perhaps keep your visit short but then again, long enough to give yourself time to see that his wellbeing is being catered for. Ask to see the manager, ask what has been happening with dad. You moved your father so that you could visit!! Any good care home welcomes visits by relatives. They know how much it means for the residents to have contact with families.

    Use your own judgement in matters such as this. You know your dad better than them. xxTinaT
     
  9. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Tulapip

    I know residents in a care home need time to settle in, but in my opinion 2 weeks without visits, as per care home request, for family, is way too much and I would be asking, why.

    When my parents were in respite for 2 weeks I didn't visit (as advised) Different scenario?
    But when in permanent care, 4 - 5 days without a visit, is enough time to see how things are settling. MAYBE?

    I know it takes longerthan 4 - 5 days to settle, but for my own peace of mind, I would have to visit, just to make sure they were alright and I don't think visiting upsets our relatives as much as it upsets us.

    Take care
    Alfjess
     
  10. linemm

    linemm Registered User

    Dec 1, 2007
    1
    hampshire
    I am new too

    HELLO THERE , I TOO HAVE PUT MY DAD INTO CARE JUST OVER A WEEK AGO,I WAS ASKED TO STAY AWAY ,AND MANAGED 6 DAYS BEFORE I NEARLY WENT MAD , THEY ALWAYS SAY THE PERSON NEEDS TIME TO SETTLE , BUT YOU JUST PICTURE THEM SAT THERE WONDERING WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED ,AND THE PERSON THEY LOVE AND TRUST HAS JUST WALKED OUT OF THE DOOR AND NOT RETURNED , WHEN I WENT DAD ACTUALLY DIDNT SEEM TO DISTRESSED , BUT I FELT TERRIFIED OF HIM ASKING ME ABOUT HIS HOME , HE DID MAKE REFERENCE TO ODD THINGS BUT I JUST HAD TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE TO DISTRACT HIM , THE NEXT DAY WHEN I PHONED ONE OF THE CARERS SAID THAT I HAD REALLY UNSETTLED HIM AND HE HAD BEEN TRYING TO GET OUT , WELL I CANT TELL YOU HOW BAD I FELT , IT TRULY IS AN UNBEARABLE SORT OF PAIN INSIDE YOU ,YOU KNOW YOU HAVE DONE THE BEST FOR THE PERSON BUT NO ONE CAN PREPARE YOU FOR THE HURT YOU FEEL BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU HAVE DONE ,ITS LIKE CAGING A HELPLESS ANIMAL UP, I HAVE NOW BEEN IN SEVERAL TIMES AND IN TRUTH HE DOES SEEM OK ISH , BUT I AM SO NERVOUS EVERYTIME I HAVE TO LEAVE IN CASE HE BEGS TO GO HOME , YOU CANNOTT MAKE TO MUCH FUSS , JUST MAKE A GETAWAY STORY AND WALK, DONT LOOK BACK!!!! NEXT STEP IS TO CLEAR HIS HOME OUT ,AS HE WILL NEVER GO BACK , NOT SURE IF I CAN FACE IT YET , IT FEELS LIKE SUCH AN ACT OF BETRAYAL TO GET RID OF SOMEONES THINGS WHEN THEY ARE STILL ALIVE , I KNOW THINGS WILL GET EASIER IN WAYS , BUT HOW AWFUL IS THIS FEELING, IT JUST TAKES OVER YOUR LIFE ,THE CARING BEFORE IS BAD BUT THIS IS REALLY HORRIBLE TO COPE WITH AS WELL. BYE SOMMER.
     
  11. Carolynlott

    Carolynlott Registered User

    Jan 1, 2007
    232
    Newcastle upon Tyne
    Hi Linemm
    Just to say Hi, welcome to TP, and I could have written your post just a few months ago - so many others here could too. Four months on from my Dad going into his home, I still feel as you do.

    I still dread seeing him because I never know how he will be - will he realise I am there, will I make things worse, will he want me to help him escape, will he ask about Mum? It's hard to imagine the trauma of leaving his home and being put in a strange place with people he doesn't know. Sometimes he hates it and hates everything, sometimes he just seems to accept it. He is living in his own world now so it doesn't much matter where he is.

    The first sight of him is awful - how does he look? Explain to him who you are, ask how he is, what has been up to? Leaving him is worse - like you say, make an excuse, got to pick the kids up, promise you'll be back soon, walk away, choke back the tears, drive home, try to convince yourself he's in the best place, push him away the front of your mind, get on with it.
     

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