Hi, my Dad has alzheimers - diagnosed 4 years ago, and on a significant decline. I'm trying to find a way to cope with the waves of grief which hit me every time I see him, and there's a little more of him gone. Today he forgot my name for the first time and it's destroyed me. How do you put your emotions to one side and not crumble? Is it selfish to feel like this?
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- Thread starter Sophieprotected
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Hello @Sophieprotected and welcome to this friendly and supportive forum. There is a lot of shared experience of dementia to be found here, so I am glad you have found us.
I am so sorry to read of your Dad's Alzheimer's and the progression of it. I've had personal experience of it with my Mum, (now passed away) so I know how horrible and painful it is to see them be slowly stripped away, bit by bit, of their normal self, by this horrible disease. I do feel for you.
Do you live nearby, which makes visiting him easier? Does he have carer's come in at all to assist with personal care etc.?
No, it most certainly is not selfish of you to feel the way you do. Please try to put that thought out of your mind. I am sure you are doing your absolute best for your Dad,; you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I'm sure forgetting your name today has caused you extreme upset and pain. Of course it will; it wouldn't be natural if you didn't feel like that. But yes, your emotions are in such a tangle and you really can't separate them out-- that's natural too.
Please so have a good look round the forums , and I'm sure others will be along shortly with suggestions and advice. Take care
I am so sorry to read of your Dad's Alzheimer's and the progression of it. I've had personal experience of it with my Mum, (now passed away) so I know how horrible and painful it is to see them be slowly stripped away, bit by bit, of their normal self, by this horrible disease. I do feel for you.
Do you live nearby, which makes visiting him easier? Does he have carer's come in at all to assist with personal care etc.?
No, it most certainly is not selfish of you to feel the way you do. Please try to put that thought out of your mind. I am sure you are doing your absolute best for your Dad,; you have nothing to feel guilty about.
I'm sure forgetting your name today has caused you extreme upset and pain. Of course it will; it wouldn't be natural if you didn't feel like that. But yes, your emotions are in such a tangle and you really can't separate them out-- that's natural too.
Please so have a good look round the forums , and I'm sure others will be along shortly with suggestions and advice. Take care
Hello @Sophieprotected and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear of your Dad's diagnosis and sudden decline.
No, you are not being in the slightest bit selfish. Watching a loved one deteriorate like this can be a traumatic time for all affected, whether it be the person diagnosed or the family and friends witnessing it. Always know that you deserve care and understanding for yourself and it is not selfish to seek it.
I don't have the answers about the best way to cope. I crumbled a few times myself during my years of caring for my husband. My only real approach was not to crumble in front of him because I didn't want him fretting even more - but away from him I allowed the emotions out.
My husband did forget my name once in a while, but fortunately it was more of a temporary blip rather than completely forgetting me. It was the same for our son and daughter - though in their case he seemed to know their names but was not necessarily aware of the relationship. Again, these episodes were short-lived.
We are always here for you, whether you want to ask something or just offload.
No, you are not being in the slightest bit selfish. Watching a loved one deteriorate like this can be a traumatic time for all affected, whether it be the person diagnosed or the family and friends witnessing it. Always know that you deserve care and understanding for yourself and it is not selfish to seek it.
I don't have the answers about the best way to cope. I crumbled a few times myself during my years of caring for my husband. My only real approach was not to crumble in front of him because I didn't want him fretting even more - but away from him I allowed the emotions out.
My husband did forget my name once in a while, but fortunately it was more of a temporary blip rather than completely forgetting me. It was the same for our son and daughter - though in their case he seemed to know their names but was not necessarily aware of the relationship. Again, these episodes were short-lived.
We are always here for you, whether you want to ask something or just offload.
Hi @Sophieprotected and welcome from me too. My wife seemed to remember my name long after she was not certain who I was. I tried to make light of it when she asked me where K was. That's me, I would say. She agreed that I was a K, just not the K she was looking for. Now, 7 years after diagnosis and with an advanced presentation of Alzheimer's Disease it is no longer clear who she recognises.
Yet, although she never calls me by name, she still seems to trust me and is comfortable in my presence.
Forgetting one's name seems such a big thing. But it doesn't mean that everything you have shared with your Dad has suddenly been erased. Try to find the things that still give meaning and bring pleasure to your relationship. There's no certainty as to whether he will remember or forget your name again. But there's more that binds you even if it can't always be expressed in conventional ways.
Yet, although she never calls me by name, she still seems to trust me and is comfortable in my presence.
Forgetting one's name seems such a big thing. But it doesn't mean that everything you have shared with your Dad has suddenly been erased. Try to find the things that still give meaning and bring pleasure to your relationship. There's no certainty as to whether he will remember or forget your name again. But there's more that binds you even if it can't always be expressed in conventional ways.
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Hello @Sophieprotected
I know how strange it must be for your Dad to forget your name. I recall very well, 3 years ago, when my Mum first asked me where I was - a chilling moment at the time, now it's just the way things are.
Sometimes she asks my name, I tell her, she normally replies, "Not another [my name]". I don't tell her I'm her son as that's caused trouble in the past. She'll call me by my name, but then asks me "How's your mum?" "Oh she's fine" - strange but true.
She knows I'm a friend, that's all that matters. Does she really think I'm not me, deep down? Maybe not, as that's too logical, and logic ends with this disease. But who cares, as long as she's happy.
You do get used to it over time.
I know how strange it must be for your Dad to forget your name. I recall very well, 3 years ago, when my Mum first asked me where I was - a chilling moment at the time, now it's just the way things are.
Sometimes she asks my name, I tell her, she normally replies, "Not another [my name]". I don't tell her I'm her son as that's caused trouble in the past. She'll call me by my name, but then asks me "How's your mum?" "Oh she's fine" - strange but true.
She knows I'm a friend, that's all that matters. Does she really think I'm not me, deep down? Maybe not, as that's too logical, and logic ends with this disease. But who cares, as long as she's happy.
You do get used to it over time.
My mother is still here, but my mum has gone. I’m apparently not her daughter as she says she’s not visited in years. I’m referred to as “that woman” . She’ll sometimes ask my name but makes no connection.
I’m now at the point where I feel guilty for not being able to communicate with her as a daughter.
You’re certainly not selfish in any feelings that you’re going through now or will in the future. Most of us here seem to experience a vast range ourselves, your certainly not alone.
