Hello I've joined today.

[Pepperdog1]

My eldest sister has picks dementia and doesn't speak at all. She doesn't recognise anyone it's heartbreaking I miss having my sister to talk,laugh and love with. She's currently in a care home in Kent. I'm in Scotland and I can't even talk with her on the phone.
I'm absolutely heartbroken.

My mum also had early onset dementia and lives with my very nasty and controlling sister who gives mum a hard time. She won't let me speak to her on the phone and is denying myself and my brother all contact despite mum wanting to see/ chat with us.
I've rang social services and they told me to call police.
I call police and they tell me to call social services.
Mum is not happy where she is, and feels like she's treading on eggshells.

Recently her POA was changed from my brother to the nasty sister, but mum is adamant she's not changed it knowingly and still thinks my brother is still her POA. We have complained to office of the public guardian and they are investigating it.

My evil sister is all about control and recognition. She does care a little for my mum but doesn't care about her.
She gives mum no freedom of speech,no privacy and no choices of clothes to wear or food to eat.

I couldn't even get to wish my own mum merry Christmas or happy new year. It's totally outrageous what she's doing but I don't know where to get help?
Mum says her life is miserable and not worth living. She's 88 and in poor health. Has anyone else had or know of anyone with a similar problem?

I'd be so grateful for any help XXX

 

[try again]

Who are you getting this information that your sister is giving your mum a hard time?

 

[Pepperdog1]

Who are you getting this information that your sister is giving your mum a hard time?

From my mum on the odd occasion I've managed to speak to her on the phone. My sister is always swearing and shouting at mum in the background as the phones always on speaker. Mum can never speak to anyone privately.

 

[try again]

People with dementia often say hurtful things about the people that look after them
As far as swearing and shouting in the background,is this just the way your sister is, could it be a sign of stress (I know I used to swear like a trooper out of frustration behind my mum's back) or is she having her own mental health problems?
Do you live close enough to them to visit?

The phone may be on speaker phone because your mum can not hear via the handset

 

[Pepperdog1]

People with dementia often say hurtful things about the people that look after them
As far as swearing and shouting in the background,is this just the way your sister is, could it be a sign of stress (I know I used to swear like a trooper out of frustration behind my mum's back) or is she having her own mental health problems?
Do you live close enough to them to visit?

The phone may be on speaker phone because your mum can not hear via the handset

AHH thanks for your reply my friend.
Mums hearing is fantastic it's on loud speaker because the sister wants to talk for mum and correct her all the time plus she wants to know what we are speaking about. Mum can't say what she wants because she's frightened of upsetting the sister.
The sister is swearing about me and my brother which just causes more stress for mum.
Mum recently went to hospital with breathing difficulties.
No one contacted me or my brother to explain or even just notify. If it hadn't been for my ex partner....we would still be none the wiser
The sister and her husband just will not co operate with myself and my brother.

I'm glad the OPG are investigating mum's finances tho, as the sister has recently bought a new car and had a new drive!. The sister doesn't work and the husband works only 3 mornings a week!
I just don't know how my brother and I can legally gain access to mum and Be able to speak freely with her ( if we are allowed )without interference from the sister.

Mum misses us both and we miss her.
Mum has said in the past they switch off their phone, so mum never knows if we have tried to call her.

The sister has mental health problems and is on a lot of medication. She gave mum oramorph to knock her out one day because my brother was insisting that he go collect mum.
When he arrived to collect mum, mum was not even able to stand because of the medication given to her ( not prescribed for mum).

We are at out wits end with it all.
Mum is in Kent, I'm in Scotland.

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Pepperdog1 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of elements to your post and I am not sure that I can be of much help. There are other members who live at considerable distance from the person who has dementia and may have more useful ideas. A few things do occur to me, though. These are things that you may wish to address for yourself. I am not expecting you to answer them in any detail here.

Firstly, given the apparent tension between them, what is the reasoning behind your mum living with your sister? Is this in the best interests of either? Are there other arrangements that might be more suitable?

Has your mum had an adult needs assessment by social services? If so, is there a clear statement of her care needs and a plan to meet them? What about your sister? Caring for someone with dementia is hard. Has she had a carer's assessment?

Does your mum have assets that are above the £23,250 threshold? If so, she would be considered a self-funder for any care procured.

Changing Power of Attorney is not a simple matter. If someone is not already a named Attorney they can't just be added. A process of revocation of the existing Lasting Power of Attorney and making a new one would be involved. Your mum would have to have the capacity to do this and to have had her signature on the documents witnessed and confirmed by a Certificate Provider. If duress is suspected this should be raised with the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG).

Why is it an issue that your sister may now be Attorney for your mother's finances? This might be necessary in order to pay any care or other bills. If an Attorney is thought to be acting improperly this is also a matter for OPG.

On communication, from my experience a person with dementia may lose the concept of using a telephone. I always had to answer before handing the phone to my wife but quite often she would put it down and walk away. Have you tried other virtual communication methods such as Zoom?

You have mentioned denial of all contact. Do you mean by telephone or are you and your brother not 'allowed' to physically visit?

Finally, portraying your sister as 'evil' is not the best place to start from if you do wish to see your mum. You don't necessarily have to agree with her or like what she does, but trying to see things from your sister's perspective may help. She is the one who is looking after your mum, which may not be an easy task. Taking what your mum says at face value may be misleading as what people with dementia may sincerely believe is not always an accurate reflection of the true situation.

I hope at least some of what I have said may help.

 

[Pepperdog1]

Hi @Pepperdog1 and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. There are a lot of elements to your post and I am not sure that I can be of much help. There are other members who live at considerable distance from the person who has dementia and may have more useful ideas. A few things do occur to me, though. These are things that you may wish to address for yourself. I am not expecting you to answer them in any detail here.

Firstly, given the apparent tension between them, what is the reasoning behind your mum living with your sister? Is this in the best interests of either? Are there other arrangements that might be more suitable?

Has your mum had an adult needs assessment by social services? If so, is there a clear statement of her care needs and a plan to meet them? What about your sister? Caring for someone with dementia is hard. Has she had a carer's assessment?

Does your mum have assets that are above the £23,250 threshold? If so, she would be considered a self-funder for any care procured.

Changing Power of Attorney is not a simple matter. If someone is not already a named Attorney they can't just be added. A process of revocation of the existing Lasting Power of Attorney and making a new one would be involved. Your mum would have to have the capacity to do this and to have had her signature on the documents witnessed and confirmed by a Certificate Provider. If duress is suspected this should be raised with the Office of the Public Guardian (OPG).

Why is it an issue that your sister may now be Attorney for your mother's finances? This might be necessary in order to pay any care or other bills. If an Attorney is thought to be acting improperly this is also a matter for OPG.

On communication, from my experience a person with dementia may lose the concept of using a telephone. I always had to answer before handing the phone to my wife but quite often she would put it down and walk away. Have you tried other virtual communication methods such as Zoom?

You have mentioned denial of all contact. Do you mean by telephone or are you and your brother not 'allowed' to physically visit?

Finally, portraying your sister as 'evil' is not the best place to start from if you do wish to see your mum. You don't necessarily have to agree with her or like what she does, but trying to see things from your sister's perspective may help. She is the one who is looking after your mum, which may not be an easy task. Taking what your mum says at face value may be misleading as what people with dementia may sincerely believe is not always an accurate reflection of the true situation.

I hope at least some of what I have said may help.

Thanks so much for your lovely reply I really do appreciate it x.
1 my brother lives closer. Half an hour away. He had visited as he was allowed to take mum home with him on Sundays only. Quite a few times he would turn up at the same time which was agreed by all to find mum still in bed at 12 lunchtime.
He's been turned away from the door by the sister saying " she's not coming with you...and no other explanation.
Mum lived with me in Scotland for some time previously but the sister would call the police telling them I had kidnapped her and would ring mum up to 20times a day telling her if she didn't go to her house in Kent she would kill herself ( she's tried this many times and ended up in hospital).
Mum was happy with me but unfortunately I got cancer and mum had to return to her own home. My brother and I set up a care package with carers and mum was happy with that.
She wanted no contact with the sister as she had spoken badly to mum calling her all the names under the sun.

Mum was happy and getting on with things, my brother and I called very frequently and he visited her every day.
The sister would go to mum's and keep banging on her windows and doors, mum wanted nothing to do with her.
Mum called the police a few times.
Mum got a water infection and the sister went on her usual rant on mum's doorstep mum thought there were people breaking in to her house as she had got terribly confused and frightened by the sister's persistence.
The police came and removed the sister but mum ended up in hospital.
This gave the sister full access to mum and the coersing and brain washing started.

My brother had no chance to visit mum in hospital because the sister and her husband were always there at visiting times.

A best interests meeting was held and mum said she wanted to live with the sister ( after much coersing).
Mum now realises it was a big mistake as the sister does very little to help mum because she is disabled with autoimmune diseases plus is heavily medicated with sleeping tablets pain killers and antidepressants.
The husband does most things.

The plan was to sell mums house and buy a bungalow of her choice and I would move in and take care of mum.
I've had over 30yrs of care experience and worked at a hospital as a nurse for 13 yrs.

When the sister heard about this, she immediately got mum to change her POA. My brother was removed and she was appointed. It's under investigation at the moment because mums capacity is variable.
She has stopped all our calls and will not answer the phone. She has stopped our contact.
I've heard mum in previous conversation say the sister don't want me here.....and I've heard her in the background saying no...I don't...I hate you.!?!

She doesn't want to look after mum....but doesn't want myself or my brother to either.
This is a very long reply I know, I thank you for caring enough to read it.