Hello everyone, hoping you can give me advice. My mum seems to be starting with dementia. Her short term memory is going.

Ashy75

New member
Apr 12, 2024
5
0
My mums memory is going and she has started to trust complete strangers. I have told her not to answer the phone to strangers especially when they ask her to press numbers on her phone , which gives them access to her phone line. She also recently had a gardener ring her , a complete stranger. He agreed to come cut her lawns and tidy her small garden for thousands of pounds, she had agreed to go get cash for him before he did it. Luckily I managed to stop her. She didn't know his name or his telephone number or his business name. She said she didn't know that she needed all that information. I explained that she should have got a written quote first and that reputable firms do not ask for cash upfront. She didn't seem to realise that this was a scam. How do I stop her falling for these conman
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,345
0
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Ashy75. This is a very friendly and supportive place with lots of knowledgeable members.
First of all scratch the three numbers off the back of your mums credit/debit cards as that means she won’t be able to pay for things over the phone that way. There are also various systems you can use to block unwanted calls and I’m sure that someone that knows about them will be along soon that knows about them.
Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney? If you do talk to her banks about managing her account, and make them aware how vulnerable she is. I know bank tellers should have training on how to spot people at danger of scams.
It sounds like your mum is on the edge of needing more support. Does she have carers coming in. It might be an idea to ask social services for a needs assessment for her and a caters assessment for you.
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
227
0
It must be so sad for you to see your mum like this. Depending on what stage she is at, it might be that you have a conversation but she then forgets, my OH would but I’m here so it’s not a problem for us. I think it’s time to think about her finances in general as it’s possibly just the first time. We have had BT Call Guardian for some years as previously I would get home to appointment being made - some of these people are very clever how they word things so it sounds like a done deal. Our phone is set to accept calls from certain people, everyone else is asked to announce themselves so these sellers don’t bother, we genuinely haven’t had the problem in years now. If you don’t have BT other providers have the equivalent or you can buy one that just plugs into the phone. For personal callers, could you do a ring doorbell that comes up on your mobile and you can talk to them before they get to your mum. It’s all more that you have to deal with when you aren’t there but it will help keep her safe.
 

Ashy75

New member
Apr 12, 2024
5
0
Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Ashy75. This is a very friendly and supportive place with lots of knowledgeable members.
First of all scratch the three numbers off the back of your mums credit/debit cards as that means she won’t be able to pay for things over the phone that way. There are also various systems you can use to block unwanted calls and I’m sure that someone that knows about them will be along soon that knows about them.
Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney? If you do talk to her banks about managing her account, and make them aware how vulnerable she is. I know bank tellers should have training on how to spot people at danger of scams.
It sounds like your mum is on the edge of needing more support. Does she have carers coming in. It might be an idea to ask social services for a needs assessment for her and a caters assessment for you.
Hi Sarasa,
I've tried before to get her assessed and get her to have carers but she flatly refuses and she gets very angry if I mention support.
She's falling over regularly and the last 2 weeks she has banged her head on open cupboard doors, or so she tells me when I ask how she's got another black eye. She's started lying about things, especially when I notice bruises on her, I know she's probably had another fall but she won't say she has, the fall clinic people came to see her but she told them to go away. She's wating to go abroad on her own, and won't listen to sense. Luckily her passport has run out but she keeps asking me to renew it. She still drives at 89, but I think she should give up, she's had loads of knocks and scrapes in the car. But she won't give up until she has an accident. I cant seem to stop her.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,052
0
Kent
Hello @Ashy75 Welcome.

I have protected calls. The caller has to press the hash key and say their name. If I want to accept the call I press 1 and the call comes through.

After that, all calls from the same numbers are accepted without question.

It might be complicated for your mother but it is a good system
 

Ashy75

New member
Apr 12, 2024
5
0
Hello @Ashy75 Welcome.

I have protected calls. The caller has to press the hash key and say their name. If I want to accept the call I press 1 and the call comes through.

After that, all calls from the same numbers are accepted without question.

It might be complicated for your mother but it is a good system
Hi Granyg
It may be a good idea thanks, but my mum may not grasp what she needs to do to accept the call. She is forgetting lots of things now, like how to answer her mobile or how to use the remote for the TV. She just complains that things are broken but in reality it's her memory that has forgotten how to do things .but thanks anyway
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,052
0
Kent
Hello again @Ashy75

She still drives at 89, but I think she should give up, she's had loads of knocks and scrapes in the car. But she won't give up until she has an accident. I cant seem to stop her.

You don`t want your mother to have an accident and put the lives of others at risk.

You can stop her by reporting her to the DVLA. I did this when my mother had dementia and told me her car knew its own way home.


DVLA asked my mother to return her licence.
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
289
0
Grannie G’s suggestion of reporting her to the DVLA is excellent. That’s what we did for my mum.

Could you email her GP surgery with a list of the reasons for your concern, asking if they could invite her in for a “routine annual health check” without mentioning dementia or memory in their communication? My Mum’s surgery is excellent at doing this, and they slip in memory checks between things like taking blood pressure, pulse etc. It’s the only way we can get Mum in front of a medical expert about it. We even manoeuvred her into an appointment with the specialist Dementia Nurse last year using this technique. Just for once she accepted me going into the appointment with her (as long as I kept quiet!) and the nurse managed to ask all the relevant questions without causing any alarm. Mum came out feeling perfectly happy, not realising that she’d had a checkup for her dementia. It’s a sad thing to be proud of, but I know we’re acting in her best interests and her GP supports us in this approach.
 

Ashy75

New member
Apr 12, 2024
5
0
Grannie G’s suggestion of reporting her to the DVLA is excellent. That’s what we did for my mum.

Could you email her GP surgery with a list of the reasons for your concern, asking if they could invite her in for a “routine annual health check” without mentioning dementia or memory in their communication? My Mum’s surgery is excellent at doing this, and they slip in memory checks between things like taking blood pressure, pulse etc. It’s the only way we can get Mum in front of a medical expert about it. We even manoeuvred her into an appointment with the specialist Dementia Nurse last year using this technique. Just for once she accepted me going into the appointment with her (as long as I kept quiet!) and the nurse managed to ask all the relevant questions without causing any alarm. Mum came out feeling perfectly happy, not realising that she’d had a checkup for her dementia. It’s a sad thing to be proud of, but I know we’re acting in her best interests and her GP supports us in this approach.
Thanks, I'll try all that
 

Ashy75

New member
Apr 12, 2024
5
0
Hello again @Ashy75



You don`t want your mother to have an accident and put the lives of others at risk.

You can stop her by reporting her to the DVLA. I did this when my mother had dementia and told me her car knew its own way home.


DVLA asked my mother to return her licence.
If I report her to the DVLA what do I say, just thats she's old and shouldn't be driving
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
82,052
0
Kent
If I report her to the DVLA what do I say, just thats she's old and shouldn't be driving

Say she is 89 and has dementia She is currently having lots of small knocks and bumps and you want her to stop before the knocks and bumps become more serious. You would never forgive yourself if she caused a serious accident and you had done nothing. She refuses to accept she is a danger to herself and others.
Ask them to keep your report confidential. If your mother learns you have reported her it would harm your relationship and it`s the last thing you want.
 

Ellie2018

Registered User
Jun 26, 2023
227
0
Hi Granyg
It may be a good idea thanks, but my mum may not grasp what she needs to do to accept the call. She is forgetting lots of things now, like how to answer her mobile or how to use the remote for the TV. She just complains that things are broken but in reality it's her memory that has forgotten how to do things .but thanks anyway
The BT one doesn’t need you to do anything unless they come through to you but in my experience that almost never happens, the caller from tele calls don’t bother trying. You can set up doctor, family friends etc to come straight through.
 

SherwoodSue

Registered User
Jun 18, 2022
620
0
I think you are struggling because you don’t have a diagnosis? Write to GP urgently saying the kind of things you have told us. Mum is a vulnerable adult and these are safeguarding issues. I hope you are then able to get mum to agree to LPAs being done. Many of us have the refusal of carers to begin with. Would mum accept a cleaner and then build up?
You will be able soon to help mum claim attendance allowance, the money will come in handy. I confess I would be terrified about someone with these deficits travelling alone abroad.
I hope you can make an ally of your mums GP and crack on.
I would get myself as designated carer on GPs system too.
Your mum won’t be thrilled with any of this but it’s what mum needs now, not what mum wants.
Good luck x