Hello again. :(
- Thread starter LadyA
- Start date
I'm so relieved!
The meeting this morning went well. The consultant only really needed to chat to mum with us, because yesterday, mum said that her wish would be to go home, but the family felt she needs full time care. He needed to be absolutely sure mum wasn't agreeing under any kind of undue influence.
So we had a chat about her care needs, the almost certainty of her falling again, etc again and mum agreed that home is no longer safe for her, and she's happy for nursing home care, where she'll be safe, get the best care, have things to occupy her, etc. And, she signed the form herself - mum hasn't been able to sign her name for a few months now. So now we just wait until she's fit to go.
I have to say, mum's had over 3 weeks hospital care now and had litres of fluid pumped into her, and she looks and sounds better than for months. It's such a huge worry lifted! I can relax in the evenings not worrying that she's fallen again after I left!
The meeting this morning went well. The consultant only really needed to chat to mum with us, because yesterday, mum said that her wish would be to go home, but the family felt she needs full time care. He needed to be absolutely sure mum wasn't agreeing under any kind of undue influence.
So we had a chat about her care needs, the almost certainty of her falling again, etc again and mum agreed that home is no longer safe for her, and she's happy for nursing home care, where she'll be safe, get the best care, have things to occupy her, etc. And, she signed the form herself - mum hasn't been able to sign her name for a few months now. So now we just wait until she's fit to go.
I have to say, mum's had over 3 weeks hospital care now and had litres of fluid pumped into her, and she looks and sounds better than for months. It's such a huge worry lifted! I can relax in the evenings not worrying that she's fallen again after I left!
Little update.
Mum was moved to "Interim Care" at a nursing home while her application for funding is being processed, and while we then wait for funding to become available, which takes, I'm told, about 12 weeks. Most times we visit, she seems quite content, but, bear in mind, she's had to isolate in her room for five days. She hasn't been in the day room, dining room, or mixed with other residents yet. Mum is not terribly social, having lived alone since dad died, and having few friends (and a few of those she had have died in the last few years).
Sunday, she was a little upset about the fact that she feels she has become so helpless. And, she's missing my dad, and the long ago days, when we were all young. She said "I never dreamt that my children would be in their 60s." Indeed, mum. I never thought my "baby" would be rapidly running through her 30s, and heading toward 40 in a couple of years!
Occasionally, mum has said something like "maybe I'll be ready to go home soon." I didn't go in to her yesterday as I was working, and it's quite a drive to the nursing home for me. And I didn't go today, as my daughter has little boys with tummy bugs and copious amount of puke to deal with, so I was helping her out by getting her groceries, and distracting the boys for a while. My sister in law did visit mum yesterday though, as she lives out that direction, so called on her way from work. She said mum was a bit upset with her too. She said the "owner" (actually, the Director of Nursing) asked her if she'd like some company, which mum took to mean they were going to put someone else in her room (it's a twin room). Mum firmly declined. But I'm wondering if it was actually asking if she'd like to go to the day room.
Myself, I just can't seem to stop crying about it all. I'm very like mum, I like to be at home, in my own space, and am not a big socialiser. I can't "do" crowds at all, and mum isn't great at crowds either, so I don't know how she will cope with all these people around her, whose dementia seems to be further advanced (or maybe just presenting differently). I find myself just wanting to scoop her up, take her home and comfort her. It's really me that needs the comfort. I know this. Mum and I have been very close, both being widowed, we did a lot together, and supported each other.
My head knows this is all quite normal. My head knows that of course it will take time for mum to settle in to her new life, and for me, too, to accept that the staff are quite capable, and don't need me hovering around like a tigress protecting its cub ! My head knows that mum has really needed full time care for a while now. I also know that by now, after this last fall, mum's mobility has deteriorated to where I would be unable to get her in or out of my car, much less in or out of her home, with it's steps everywhere. And I know that the reason mum appears so relatively well at the moment is precisely because she has been getting the level of care and attention that she needs. My heart, however, has its fingers stuck firmly in its ears, and is "la, la, la'ing" loudly, because it does not want to hear or acknowledge these things. I have warned the family that just now, I am the weakest link!
Mum was moved to "Interim Care" at a nursing home while her application for funding is being processed, and while we then wait for funding to become available, which takes, I'm told, about 12 weeks. Most times we visit, she seems quite content, but, bear in mind, she's had to isolate in her room for five days. She hasn't been in the day room, dining room, or mixed with other residents yet. Mum is not terribly social, having lived alone since dad died, and having few friends (and a few of those she had have died in the last few years).
Sunday, she was a little upset about the fact that she feels she has become so helpless. And, she's missing my dad, and the long ago days, when we were all young. She said "I never dreamt that my children would be in their 60s." Indeed, mum. I never thought my "baby" would be rapidly running through her 30s, and heading toward 40 in a couple of years!
Occasionally, mum has said something like "maybe I'll be ready to go home soon." I didn't go in to her yesterday as I was working, and it's quite a drive to the nursing home for me. And I didn't go today, as my daughter has little boys with tummy bugs and copious amount of puke to deal with, so I was helping her out by getting her groceries, and distracting the boys for a while. My sister in law did visit mum yesterday though, as she lives out that direction, so called on her way from work. She said mum was a bit upset with her too. She said the "owner" (actually, the Director of Nursing) asked her if she'd like some company, which mum took to mean they were going to put someone else in her room (it's a twin room). Mum firmly declined. But I'm wondering if it was actually asking if she'd like to go to the day room.
Myself, I just can't seem to stop crying about it all. I'm very like mum, I like to be at home, in my own space, and am not a big socialiser. I can't "do" crowds at all, and mum isn't great at crowds either, so I don't know how she will cope with all these people around her, whose dementia seems to be further advanced (or maybe just presenting differently). I find myself just wanting to scoop her up, take her home and comfort her. It's really me that needs the comfort. I know this. Mum and I have been very close, both being widowed, we did a lot together, and supported each other.
My head knows this is all quite normal. My head knows that of course it will take time for mum to settle in to her new life, and for me, too, to accept that the staff are quite capable, and don't need me hovering around like a tigress protecting its cub ! My head knows that mum has really needed full time care for a while now. I also know that by now, after this last fall, mum's mobility has deteriorated to where I would be unable to get her in or out of my car, much less in or out of her home, with it's steps everywhere. And I know that the reason mum appears so relatively well at the moment is precisely because she has been getting the level of care and attention that she needs. My heart, however, has its fingers stuck firmly in its ears, and is "la, la, la'ing" loudly, because it does not want to hear or acknowledge these things. I have warned the family that just now, I am the weakest link!
@LadyA Head and heart are normally in conflict. At least you are aware of this - so many people are not and make decisions which have dire outcomes.
My mother was in care for 15+ years and even toward the end, when she was incontinent, wheelchair-bound and non-verbal, I still had my moments wishing I could take her away. These moments do become further and further apart but do not be surprised when one seemingly springs out of nowhere.
My mother was in care for 15+ years and even toward the end, when she was incontinent, wheelchair-bound and non-verbal, I still had my moments wishing I could take her away. These moments do become further and further apart but do not be surprised when one seemingly springs out of nowhere.
Thanks @Canadian Joanne . I do know it's just wishful thinking. And I remember when William was about 6 weeks in the nursing home, he was looking so much better, I almost took him home. Gosh, that would have been a disaster.
It's just so terribly heart-wrenching.
Hi @LadyA
Our family doesn't do crowds either so I know how you feel. Dad did ok in his carehome. He was allowed to stay in in his own room, with his telly and his radio if he wanted them or he could join in the activities which he would sometimes choose to do.
I'd always hoped I could keep him at home until the end but he eventually settled well with his new "family" - and so did I...
Our family doesn't do crowds either so I know how you feel. Dad did ok in his carehome. He was allowed to stay in in his own room, with his telly and his radio if he wanted them or he could join in the activities which he would sometimes choose to do.
I'd always hoped I could keep him at home until the end but he eventually settled well with his new "family" - and so did I...
There was no one who liked crowds less @LadyA than my husband. He was such a private person, we even had a private funeral because I knew this is what he would have preferred.
There came a time when I know he felt unsafe at home with me. He told me he was lonely although by then he was never left alone. Because he had lost the concept of time, even if I went to make a drink or prepare a meal, even if he was alone in the living room and I was in the kitchen, he felt I was out of the house and he was in isolation.
I suspect your mum is not yet at this stage but it`s likely she may be in time.
The care home gave my husband another perspective.
Once he had settled, somehow he understood nothing was expected from him and he became a people watcher. He loved watching the comings and goings of the residents, staff and visitors who made no demands on him but seemed to give him the security that he was safe and not alone.
I know he had felt unsafe at home with me at times. He told me he was lonely although by then he was never left alone. Because he had lost the concept of time, even if I went to make a drink or prepare a meal, even if he was alone in the living room and I was in the kitchen, he felt I was out of the house and he was in isolation.
I hope your mother will settle and enjoy watching the comings and goings as my husband did. It is possible yours will be the bigger adjustment.
There came a time when I know he felt unsafe at home with me. He told me he was lonely although by then he was never left alone. Because he had lost the concept of time, even if I went to make a drink or prepare a meal, even if he was alone in the living room and I was in the kitchen, he felt I was out of the house and he was in isolation.
I suspect your mum is not yet at this stage but it`s likely she may be in time.
The care home gave my husband another perspective.
Once he had settled, somehow he understood nothing was expected from him and he became a people watcher. He loved watching the comings and goings of the residents, staff and visitors who made no demands on him but seemed to give him the security that he was safe and not alone.
I know he had felt unsafe at home with me at times. He told me he was lonely although by then he was never left alone. Because he had lost the concept of time, even if I went to make a drink or prepare a meal, even if he was alone in the living room and I was in the kitchen, he felt I was out of the house and he was in isolation.
I hope your mother will settle and enjoy watching the comings and goings as my husband did. It is possible yours will be the bigger adjustment.
I think you've nailed it. I'm finding myself getting nothing done. Feeling a bit rudderless.
Mum's already told me she's sleeping much better, and she thinks it's because she feels safer and more secure than at home. She was nervous on her own, and constantly alert for noises outside - people talking, traffic, etc. Now, she knows there are people around, so she's safe
So much emphasis is put on the PWD settling into care, and properly so. But the carers also have had a great upheaval in their lives by their people going into care. They also need to adjust and settle into a new life but it is not as recognized as it should be.
That's it, exactly. When you've been so responsible, it's very hard to let go, and trust someone else with it all.
Mum was in bed today. She said they'd got her up and washed, but she was very tired, so they put her back in bed. She fell asleep twice while I was there.
Mum's been in care for 10 days now. In the hospital, she was being pumped with iv fluids, so was feeling quite good the first few days in the nursing home. However, the last few days, she's seemed to deteriorate again. (Mum has severe kidney disease. ) She's been extremely tired, and some days, doesn't get up.
Today, I had a call from the Home. They had contacted out of hours doctor, as mum had started coughing after lunch, and seemed to have a lit of secretions that she was unable to clear. The nurse thinks she aspirated. But, covid protocols meant they had to isolate her until they get results of a pcr test, so we can't visit for a couple of days. She's been started on precautionary antibiotics and a nebuliser to help her clear things.
Today, I had a call from the Home. They had contacted out of hours doctor, as mum had started coughing after lunch, and seemed to have a lit of secretions that she was unable to clear. The nurse thinks she aspirated. But, covid protocols meant they had to isolate her until they get results of a pcr test, so we can't visit for a couple of days. She's been started on precautionary antibiotics and a nebuliser to help her clear things.
Well, I find that it's confirming that nursing home care really is needed for mum now. No question of thinking we could manage her care at home. I've been expecting mum's dementia to progress to more severe stages, but now, I actually don't think it will get to that. Mum's never been in great health. I think her heart condition, her chronic kidney disease etc will take her before her dementia gets much worse. And tbh, that's probably a good thing.
Oh, dear. I have an awful sense of deja vu
This morning, mum couldn't swallow at all, the nurse said her throat and chest were full of secretions, oxygen saturation was down to 49, and she was turning blue.
She's gone to hospital for maybe iv antibiotics.
This is what happened to William, almost exactly. Chest infection which turned out to be aspiration pneumonia. A week of iv antibiotics , but it didn't respond, and he was sent back to the nursing home to die.
My sisters in law are talking about "the hospital will build her up with antibiotics and fluids and she'll be fine. " Not sure how blunt I should be. Because, hard as it is on my siblings overseas, I wouldn't want mum being tortured with treatment just so she can hang on for another few weeks/months.
This morning, mum couldn't swallow at all, the nurse said her throat and chest were full of secretions, oxygen saturation was down to 49, and she was turning blue.
She's gone to hospital for maybe iv antibiotics.
This is what happened to William, almost exactly. Chest infection which turned out to be aspiration pneumonia. A week of iv antibiotics , but it didn't respond, and he was sent back to the nursing home to die.
My sisters in law are talking about "the hospital will build her up with antibiotics and fluids and she'll be fine. " Not sure how blunt I should be. Because, hard as it is on my siblings overseas, I wouldn't want mum being tortured with treatment just so she can hang on for another few weeks/months.
Recent Threads
-
Tax implications for power of attorney bank account and trust
- Latest: My Mum's Daughter
-
-
-
-
Breaking news of partners death to someone with dementia
- Latest: My Mum's Daughter
-
-
-
-
