Heartbroken

vivcary

New member
Nov 4, 2019
5
I last saw dad 2 days before everything locked down his dementia had progressed so when it was suggested using an I pad to communicate with him it wasn’t really feasible when coronavirus hit I rang his care home 3 /4 times a week to check on him . If he was awake I would get a chat to him if he was asleep ( he done that a lot ) then I would leave him to sleep and call back later, last Saturday I got to chat to him and I can say it was bizarre never having been an emotional man and the dementia had also left him quite aggressive I was amazed that he kept saying he loved me and I was a wonderful daughter this carried on for a while until he gave the phone to the carer at that point I asked if he was okay as this was most unlike him . Sunday the home rings to inform they have 2 positive cases of covid and dad is showing signs of it . He’s taken to hospital as by now he is desaturating hospital then rings things aren’t looking good and they think he will pass , he does manage to talk to me on the phone again this time it’s they are killing me and this isn’t a joke he’s back to shouting at me . Covid test comes back positive things are getting worse not allowed in to see him and he passes away Wednesday morning. I’m feeling so bad and guilty that he was in the care home and they got covid just wondering if this has happened to anyone else and also because I wasn’t allowed into the hospital to visit him I can’t shake the feeling that he is still in the hospital and I’m arranging someone else’s funeral also funeral director won’t let me into see him as he’s a definite covid case it’s a closed casket 😢😢
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,632
South coast
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @vivcary

This is every carers worst nightmare and Im so sorry that it happened to you.

Please, please dont feel guilty that he was in the care home. He could have caught covid even if he were at home. My SIL was being shielded (cancer), but nevertheless she, her husband and son all went down with covid, which was presumably brought in with the shopping. So you see, you can never eliminate the risk of covid and Im sure there were very good reasons for your dad being in the care home.

Remember that phone call when he said what a good daughter you were. Many people with dementia have a moment of clarity before they pass away and this was undoubtedly your dads true feelings.
xxx
 

May30

Registered User
Feb 25, 2017
48
It happened to me with my dad. I hadn't seen him for a month and he became unwell. He wasn't taken to hospital and they didn't say it was covid but a chest infection. I just wanted it to be quick for him. I got to see him the day before he died to say goodbye but I felt the same heartache that I couldn't do more. My dad was at the stage where he couldn't communicate well so as canary said keep in your mind that lovely conversation that you had where he told you how much he loved you and how wonderful you are. I now take comfort from the fact that his suffering with the disease is over. As canary said I'm sure that you're dad needed to be where he was so try not to think that him not being in the home would have been better. I'm thinking of you and sending you strength ✨
 

vivcary

New member
Nov 4, 2019
5
Thank you everybody I’m glad that he’s at peace now and with my mum , but you do end up feeling so useless with this pandemic he laid out plans years ago for what he wanted for his funeral when the time came and I can’t do hardly any of it because of the restrictions I will just have to the best I can and if he’s looking down hope he understands 😢 he did seem to like it in his care home he made friends and apparently that may have caused him to get the virus as he wanted to go and sit in the living room with them instead of isolating in his room and since he would do whatever he wanted that’s what he did ,one of his friends also passed with the virus .
 

May30

Registered User
Feb 25, 2017
48
I know he would understand. You're doing the best that you can in extremely difficult circumstances. It's so tough, be kind to yourself.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
I’m so sorry @vivcary such an awful time for you made so much harder with the current situation.
Your dad perhaps knew what was happening and wanted to make sure he told you how much he loved you while he could.
Hold onto that and take care x
 

Hoped

Registered User
May 17, 2020
15
I’m so sorry for your loss . The same has recently happened to me and I feel the same as you. At least you managed to speak with your Dad and he told you how he felt that’s priceless.Dads decline was so unexpected we are still in shock but Dad’s funeral was very personal and comforting.i just feel although taken early Covid released Dad from his dimentia before he got to the final stage which for my very independent Dad was a blessing in disguise. Thinking and praying for you and your family.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,015
69
Dundee
I’m so sorry to read of your loss @vivcary. It’s hard enough to lose someone at the best of times but it must be so much harder during the present circumstances.

Wishing you strength,