Heartbreaking ....

[Krankies]

Hi all,


Ive joined today after having the memory nurses round to assess my Dad whos 83. He's been agitated, stressing over little things for a while, bit forgetful but was coping quite well.

He was concerned over his memory and I offered to go to the Docs with him to see what help there is. My Dad is my Mums full time carer as Mum can only walk with a zimmer frame and he does everything for her.

When I waited in the Docs with him, he started rambling, saying the lady tells him to buy fish, she comes to the house (no one comes), then he asked me who my real Mum is, not Teresa (who is my Mum), not his wife but he said he doesn't know who my Mum is ?

Hes deteriorated so rapidly, within last 3 months he rambles, hes always been very articulate and now struggles with his vocabulary, gets confused, upset and doesn't always make sense.

Couldn't recognize my Mum, asked her where his Wife was !

Just wondering how people begin to cope with the loss of their loved one even though they are still alive, just mentally slipping away ?

I need to be strong for my Mum and obviously for my Dad too but constantly crying and im so stressed, I find myself working every hour that I can so I can keep busy and just not think about it all.

Going to seek POA and waiting for the next step to hopefully get him medication after the nurses get back with the results but they suggested the POA before they left today.

 

[Amy in the US]

This won't be a great reply, but I couldn't read and run.

Welcome to Talking Point, @Krankies, and I'm so sorry you have had to find your way here. Members who live in the UK will likely be along later with some specific advice about Social Services and so on, but I would say you have the right idea about sorting out PoA, and getting support in place for both your parents.

The feeling that you talk about-the person slipping away while they are still physically here-is something all too many of us here have experienced and it is awful and I'm sorry. It's sometimes called "anticipatory grief."

It's a lot to process, and a lot to sort out, and (for some of us like me, anyway) can be a big learning curve.

Please do feel free to ask questions. You may also find it helpful to read around on others' threads, both current and past. The Alzheimer's Society also has very good information on their website you may find helpful.

I hope you find support and help here on TP. It's been a lifesaver for me. Best wishes to you and your family.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP @Krankies
You may find these threads helpful
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/anticipatory-grief.85774/

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[Krankies]

This won't be a great reply, but I couldn't read and run.

Welcome to Talking Point, @Krankies, and I'm so sorry you have had to find your way here. Members who live in the UK will likely be along later with some specific advice about Social Services and so on, but I would say you have the right idea about sorting out PoA, and getting support in place for both your parents.

The feeling that you talk about-the person slipping away while they are still physically here-is something all too many of us here have experienced and it is awful and I'm sorry. It's sometimes called "anticipatory grief."

It's a lot to process, and a lot to sort out, and (for some of us like me, anyway) can be a big learning curve.

Please do feel free to ask questions. You may also find it helpful to read around on others' threads, both current and past. The Alzheimer's Society also has very good information on their website you may find helpful.

I hope you find support and help here on TP. It's been a lifesaver for me. Best wishes to you and your family.

Thank you @Amy in the US I feel I will likely be on here quite a bit in the next stage of life. Its a great forum and I know I'll be able to get some support via others in similar situations.

 

[malengwa]

Hi krankies, I have found this forum a lifeline, often just to read rather than post, but it helped me to stay sane when I felt so alone on this journey with mum.
If your dad is already rambling and getting confused, it's possibly too late for POA, so do seek advice on that one.
When I look back now (mum passed away two weeks ago), mum was quite late being diagnosed, and she went downhill quite quickly. This year especially, even looking back a year, she was mobile, still able to hold conversations, go out with help, enjoy her music. But although mum is now gone and we're planning her funeral, i've been missing her all year, piece by piece, grieving for the person she was. I cried lots, wished I was closer, tried to do things to keep the memories going. I've been slowly digitalising her photos and that's brought back many happy memories. I made her a family book so that she could keep her family close to her and gave her something to talk about. Did they help? Well, I think so, she smiled when we shared the memories and it helped me come to terms with losing her. Each time I visited there was another piece of her missing.
I wanted to look back and say I did everything I could. I didn't want to look back with regrets.
This is how I coped. At times it wasn't very well, but somehow you just find strength to keep going.
now she's gone, I still cry every day. Every time I wake up she is on my mind. Despite everything, I still can't quite believe she's gone.
Do visit often, read, post when you want to, there is a whole army if people here who just 'understand'.
I wish you well.

 

[Scouts girl]

This forum was a great support for me when I was going through the heartbreaking journey with my mum. Do keep posting when you feel you can we are all here for each other.

 

[Shedrech]

hi @Krankies
well worth getting Powers of Attorney (for both finance & property and health & welfare) as soon as you can - your dad needs to agree to sign and grasp that they are to make it easy for you to support him at the time he signs (he doesn't have to retain every detail of it later)
https://www.gov.uk/government/collections/lasting-power-of-attorney-forms
https://www.gov.uk/government/publi...ing-power-of-attorney-a-guide-web-version#A10
I suggest you have 2 Attorneys to act jointly and severally and if possible a named replacement for just in case - of course, they will be your dad's choices
actually, it would be wise to have POAs in place for your mum too
and have them both review their wills to make sure they are as they want them to be
if you think that either or both of your parents are not coping with daily tasks, there's nothing to stop you contacting their Local Authority Adult Services and asking for an assessment of their care needs for each of them - don't mention their finances when you do, say you'd have to check with them as you don't have details; any financial assessment should come after the care needs assessment