Head or Heart!

[Lady M]

my beloved OH , married 55years, is once again in hospital.
He has lost his mobility...his dignity..has been reliant on two carers x4times a day for personal care...toileting etc.. he is catheterised but until a few weeks ago was shaving himself(saying a woman can’t do it properly!) At my insistence changed to an electric razor but now does not the strength to hold the razor for long so inevitably I shave him.
Before his admission his motor skills were declining...struggling to grip cutlery and difficulty finding his mouth, .
Life was wheelchair...recliner or bed...but he was at home with me. I was having to administer one of his three insulin injections as DN would only visit twice.
He has now been assessed as unable to weight bear.....nor use a rotunder and will be assessed tomorrow for chair safety, as he slumps to one side , or backwards .
Head knows that it is really time to say I cannot undertake the possibility of him returning home...knowing that the progression will worsen and my poor health will suffer .
BUT I lay awake thinking perhaps we should try at home( he would probably need hoisting!) but what if I am Iunwell or worse taken I’ll ..then it would be an emergency situation.
My heart is breaking writing this .......I suppose in my heart I know the head is right but can I bring myself to admit it! And make that decision that a placement in a home I would be the right move.
How would I live with that and the fact that OH would believe I have abandoned him........!
Apologies for long post but "...............................

 

[Shedrech]

I hope it has helped you @Lady M coming here and posting to use the forum as a sounding board
You know that you will not abandon your OH should it be the time for a move to residential care, you will stand by him as you always have and visit to make sure he is well looked after
small comfort, I appreciate
post as often and as long as you need to ... that's what DTP is here for
very best wishes to you both

 

[Izzy]

I just want to echo @shedrech’s post.

My heart goes out to you. I hope sharing here is helping, even just a little. Wishing you strength.

 

[jaymor]

My husband was in nursing care for the last 4 years of his life. Not where I wanted him to be but where I was told he should be. If it had been my decision I know he would have been at home and I know that would have been the wrong decision knowing what I know now.

When I entered his nursing home I entered his world as I had when he was at home. I was his eyes and ears and I made sure everything was as it should be. Once he was settled and I had trust in the home and the Carers I found that I was no longer consumed by care and I was once more a wife to my lovely husband. He was more relaxed and so was I. We both benefited from the care he received in the nursing home.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear @Lady M

Once you have had the courage to make the decision your head tells you is the best one, the weight of the world will be off your shoulders.

Once our son and I had made the same decision for residential care for my husband and his father, we found out his Social Worker and my husband`s Community Psychiatric Nurse were of the same opinion. They said they could no longer support my husband`s care at home because it put us both at risk.

It sounds as if it is the same for you.

If you have been married for 55 years now is the time for others to share the caring with you. It doesn`t mean you will no longer the most important person in his life, it just means sadly you will not be under the same roof. However if our experience is anything to go by, your time together I`m sure will be of improved quality.

 

[jenniferjean]

I don't have the experience of the other people who have posted on here @Lady M as my OH is not so far down this road. I can only go on what I have read on other posts. So in my view you were once his wife and then because of this dreadful disease you became his carer. Now if you allow others to do the caring you will once more be able to be his wife. You will both benefit.