1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

He Loves the Day Centre, but He seems to hate us.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Hindy, Oct 6, 2015.

  1. Hindy

    Hindy Registered User

    Jul 31, 2014
    My Father has dementia and prostate cancer.

    Every Wednesday and Saturday, my Father goes to a day centre (Four hours is hardly a day). He practically runs to the mini bus, all smiles.

    When he's at home with us, we're run ragged. He's destructive, verbally abusive (swearing is about the only thing that is said clearly) and sometimes aggressive (just stopping short of our faces). Every time we try to help, he acts as though we're the enemy.

    We've started securing the garden gate so that he can't get at neighbours cars or property (He's walked into other peoples homes without warning). The neighbours are very good about it, but I think their patience is starting to wear thin. We have wind chimes above a door that leads into the basement, so that we can be alerted and stop him from going to the toilet on the floor and small hidden garden gnomes that whistle when someone uses one of the doors to leave the room.

    I doubt that he will be at home with us for Xmas, we're struggling to cope, he needs full time care.

    My Mum has been dealing with relatives with dementia or visiting nursing homes for the last 20 years or so. She does not give her needs the attention that they should have. I'm worried that my Father's illness is sucking the life out of her and me.

    I'm going to give the Carers Advice Line a call tomorrow. I need to know if there is anything else that can help.
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    It sounds like you are doing all you can as far as the home environment is concerned. I does sound like you need to consider a move to care.
    Your mother must be exhausted and her long and short term health needs considering. What does she think about a move for your father ?
    He too may be more stressed living at home now ,as it appears he relaxes when out of his home environment.
    Speak to his doctor and CMHT too for advice and help.
  3. Hindy

    Hindy Registered User

    Jul 31, 2014
    Thanks for responding

    Hi 1mindy,

    I've been saying the same thing for a long time, but it's had to be my Mum's decision.
    We're finally at a point where she's taken steps toward seeking care.

    My Father doesn't recognise us. He does what he wants to do, which isn't any different from when I was little.

    My Mum has sacrificed more than anyone ever should. I can't help thinking that if I wasn't living at home and shouldering some of the weight our suffering would not have been perpetuated.

    After last night and today, we will definitely be contacting our social worker to speed up the recent social worker upgrade.

  4. missmarple

    missmarple Registered User

    Jan 14, 2013
    Just wanted to say that if you are self funding (assets of £23000 or more, not including the value of the home if you own it as your mum lives there) it might be worth asking for a continuing health care assessment, based on your father's behaviour. This would essentially mean his care is paid for by the NHS. Post again if you want more info on this.
  5. bero

    bero Registered User

    Oct 8, 2015
    More info on NHS continuing health care

    My mum has quite advanced Alzheimers and has recently gone into a care home. I would like to know more about how to apply for CHC, I would be grateful if anybody could advise me where to start?

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