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He is at peace, but I'm so lost.

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Kristivazq, Dec 23, 2015.

  1. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    17
    My Daddy died. I can't believe those words came out of my mouth. My Daddy died. He died 12/12/2015. I miss him more every day. I flew from New York to Alabama to be with him in his final days and those days are so precious to me. I'm now back in NY and wondering how my world has come undone like this. I haven't lived at home for 20 years, but knowing that he isn't there anymore is just about more than I can take. I am attaching a picture that was taken the day I finally got to him. I got in his line of sight and he raised his hands. I laid down with him and he lowered his arms and stroked my forehead. My Mom and cousin said he hadn't responded to ANYONE in 2 days before that. I hope the picture doesn't disturb or offend anyone.

    Kristi
     

    Attached Files:

  2. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    I am so sorry to hear you have lost your Dad, my condolences to you and your family.
    That is a very special picture , thank you for sharing it with us.

    image.jpeg
     
  3. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,497
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I am so sorry you have lost your father. I send you my sympathy and condolences to your family. x
     
  4. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    A lovely picture that showed your Dad had some sense of who you were. I'm so sorry that you have lost your Dad and I'm sending my condolences to you and your family.

    Take care of yourself

    Lyn T XX
     
  5. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,207
    Merseyside
    I'm so sorry you've lost your beloved Dad.
     
  6. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    So sorry to hear Kristi. A sad time for you. We don't really mourn for the sake of the one we lost, we mourn for ourselves, and their loss to us.
    [​IMG]
     
  7. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    17
    Thank you all. I am happy that he is no longer suffering. He is no longer frightened. I am also glad that the way he went spared him the years of lingering that so many people must endure. I know where he is. I know he is safe in heaven with God. I thought I had at least a couple more years. We are in the process of moving back to Alabama and I was intending on taking over a lot of his care so my Mom could rest. In August he was confused and the aphasia was just beginning, but he had moments of clarity and was still able to care for himself such as bathing, toileting, etc. The last visit I had with him he kept asking me where he was. He was convinced that his house wasn't his home and he kept asking me to take him home. When it was my time to leave to drive home with my children he came outside carrying a little shopping bag with 2 pairs of underwear, a pair of socks and my Mom's t-shirt. He sat in my car and said he was ready to go home now. It broke my heart to leave him. I would have never in a million years believed that it was the last time I would ever have any type of conversation with him. It was just so fast in the end. I can't explain what the doctors' said happened, but the Alzheimer's caused a stroke or a stroke like condition. They never found blood on his brain, but he lost all ability to talk or walk. His vision was affected and he refused all food and water. They tried in the beginning, but the doctors saw what was happening. He had a living will and a DNR order so we brought him home on hospice. Even then they said 3 weeks so I planned on coming after the holiday so my boys could finish out their school, but then hospice called and said if I wanted to see him somewhat awake that I needed to get there NOW! I was on a plane with my 4 year old the next morning.

    I think he knew me, but I KNOW he knew Kate. His Katie Hope. I managed to get her in his line of sight as well and he raised his hands again. I laid her on him, and he SMILED! A really honest to god smile. Everyone in the room was stunned. Kate and her Granddaddy had a special bond from the first second they met. In the end it was me, my Mom and Katie Hope who had our hands on his chest. We had been waiting and watching when Kate came in and climbed up. She kissed his head and put her hand on his chest. He opened his eyes and took 2 more breaths. Then he was gone. I think he waited for her to say goodbye.
     
  8. claire43

    claire43 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2013
    153
    South Wales
    I am so so sorry for your loss x
     
  9. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    3,538
    Female
    South Gloucs
    I'm so sorry for your loss but want to thank you wholeheartedly for the photo. What it says to me is that he was at peace x
     
  10. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    17
    4 weeks

    4 weeks. It has been 4 weeks. I can't believe it. 4 weeks ago right now (6:45 PM), I was sitting beside Daddy praying. I didn't know what to pray so I just said over and over "Jesus please." Please what, I didn't know then and still don't, yet that seems to be my fallback prayer, "Jesus PLEASE!". That night I lied to Daddy over and over as well. I told him I would be ok. Maybe I will be, but for right now I'm not ok. I miss him more today than I did yesterday, and yesterday I missed him more than the day before.
    I know all the things that SHOULD make me feel better. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Daddy is with Jesus and that he is rejoicing at the feet of our King. I know that he is well again. I know that he is happy. I know that one day I will see him again. I know that many many Alzheimer's patients have a much longer and more tortured path. I know all these things, but I can't help being selfish. I want my Daddy back. I want to call my mom and ask how he is doing. I want to have one of the long wacky conversations we had this past year. Even more I want him back like he was 7 years ago. Smart as a whip, funny, arrogant and all around just a big mess.
    Today Frank and I did a small repair on our deck. I was the one using the power tools and I remembered all those Saturdays watching him in his workshop and helping him. I learned a lot from him. I so wanted to call and tell him how I scribed the wood, used the circular saw and how perfectly the replacement boards fit. He wouldn't have said much, but I think he would have been proud of me. Reminders are everywhere. In the grocery store I see older couples and I almost cry because Mom and Dad will never go to the grocery store together again. I have a cup of Mc Cafe coffee and think of Daddy and his beloved McDonald's coffee. I remember Lindsay calling me up 2 years ago so excited because she was going to get Daddy a sausage biscuit and coffee because we got a true miracle and he came back to us. We got an extra 2.5 years, 2 of which were pretty good. I am so grateful for that.
    I know that I am not the first person to lose a beloved parent. If we are blessed to live long enough we will all face this at some point. I just had no idea how all encompassing the grief would be. I'm sorry to **** and moan, but I just don't know how to do this.
    Please say a prayer for me tonight and a prayer for Daddy's soul. I hope he knows how very much I love him.
     
  11. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    You will be ok. It's going to take time. It may help for you to talk things through with someone. But you will be ok. Your grief is not for your dad, but for your loss of him - for all the things you are missing. I once heard a preacher talking about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, and one of the things he said stuck with me. He spoke about what it must have been like for Lazarus' family - who had been grieving his loss for four days - to have him back again. The joy they must have felt. But he pointed out that when Jesus rose from the grave, the grave clothes were left behind. But Lazarus came out of the tomb wearing the grave clothes - because he would need them again. Lazarus got a temporary reprieve, and would die eventually. It's part of life. Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your parents, and that's why it hurts so much now.
    When there's something you want to tell your dad - call someone else and tell them. But hold on to the fact that it's very early days, and as time passes, the pain will get easier. xx
     
  12. Scarlett123

    Scarlett123 Registered User

    Apr 30, 2013
    3,802
    Essex
    I am so sorry to read your posts, but thank you, so much for sharing such a precious photo. You and your Dad obviously adored each other. May his dear sweet soul Rest In Peace xxxx
     
  13. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    17
    Here is a picture of a happier time. Daddy loved my daughter Kate. I mean he REALLY REALLY loved that girl. They had a connection that I cannot even fully comprehend. She knew things about how he was doing before I did and that was with him living almost 1,000 miles away. The last time the full family came up to NY I hired a professional photographer to come and take pictures. We had just found out about his diagnosis so I wanted to make sure I had some really great photos of him and all of us. So here we are, me, my Daddy and Kate. :) <3

    [​IMG]
     
  14. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I just wanted to tell you how sorry i am that yoy have lost your daddy. I my own belived dad 20 years ago. The ultimate act if love i think is to ask god to take soneone back home. He will always be with you as he is only a though away. He lives in in yoy and you beautiful girl. Sending you peace and a big hug.
     

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