4 weeks
4 weeks. It has been 4 weeks. I can't believe it. 4 weeks ago right now (6:45 PM), I was sitting beside Daddy praying. I didn't know what to pray so I just said over and over "Jesus please." Please what, I didn't know then and still don't, yet that seems to be my fallback prayer, "Jesus PLEASE!". That night I lied to Daddy over and over as well. I told him I would be ok. Maybe I will be, but for right now I'm not ok. I miss him more today than I did yesterday, and yesterday I missed him more than the day before.
I know all the things that SHOULD make me feel better. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Daddy is with Jesus and that he is rejoicing at the feet of our King. I know that he is well again. I know that he is happy. I know that one day I will see him again. I know that many many Alzheimer's patients have a much longer and more tortured path. I know all these things, but I can't help being selfish. I want my Daddy back. I want to call my mom and ask how he is doing. I want to have one of the long wacky conversations we had this past year. Even more I want him back like he was 7 years ago. Smart as a whip, funny, arrogant and all around just a big mess.
Today Frank and I did a small repair on our deck. I was the one using the power tools and I remembered all those Saturdays watching him in his workshop and helping him. I learned a lot from him. I so wanted to call and tell him how I scribed the wood, used the circular saw and how perfectly the replacement boards fit. He wouldn't have said much, but I think he would have been proud of me. Reminders are everywhere. In the grocery store I see older couples and I almost cry because Mom and Dad will never go to the grocery store together again. I have a cup of Mc Cafe coffee and think of Daddy and his beloved McDonald's coffee. I remember Lindsay calling me up 2 years ago so excited because she was going to get Daddy a sausage biscuit and coffee because we got a true miracle and he came back to us. We got an extra 2.5 years, 2 of which were pretty good. I am so grateful for that.
I know that I am not the first person to lose a beloved parent. If we are blessed to live long enough we will all face this at some point. I just had no idea how all encompassing the grief would be. I'm sorry to **** and moan, but I just don't know how to do this.
Please say a prayer for me tonight and a prayer for Daddy's soul. I hope he knows how very much I love him.