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Has anyone else experienced this

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Bugsbunny4, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    My husband went into a care home just over four weeks ago from hospital. He was very unsettled at first but now seems much better. Some of his medication has been removed and he us more awake and communicative than he was. However he is now asking to come home, wants to know when I will take him home. I said I didn't have any help at home but his reply was simply that we can manage together. He hasn't lived at home since August but I am concerned that he thinks it will be easy to come back and be able to manage. It's very hard telling someone you love that you can't care for them alone.
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Hi Bugsbunny4
    I'm glad that your husband is settling in the care home - it's good that he's more awake and communicative.
    Sadly the wanting to go home and not grasping that this isn't realistic seems pretty much par for the course.
    I found that dad when he first went into the home (April) thought I could look after him and wanted to go back to his house - now he just wants to go home with no idea what or where that is, which is heart-breaking
    I try not to engage with this conversation at all as he can't be reasoned with so it's best not to talk about it - some distraction (coffee and biscuit, TV, moving to another room ...) sometimes works - leaving him for a while if he starts on this, then going back into the room as if I'd not seen him before sometimes works - and I also have to resort to leaving and let the staff support him as he just thinks I'll take him home if he sees me and gets angry that I don't
    so, sorry, I don't have an answer for you
    lots of sympathy, though - and hope that your husband asks the question less and less
    best wishes
  3. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    Yes, bugsbunny, I think this is very common.
    There is no point in trying to explain - as someone else said on here, dementia trumps logic. He will simply have no idea of the problems involved in looking after him - because, in his eyes of course there arnt any problems and you will not be able to convince him otherwise.
    Mum went into her CH from hospital and when she said that she wanted to come home I said that she was convalescing from having been in hospital and the doctors wanted her to stay "a bit longer" until she was well enough. Eventually she stopped asking.
  4. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello bugsbunny, l have the same problem with my hubby, he cannot understand why l keep leaving him, says l am coming with you, always very diffi ult when leaving him, it does upset me. I told him l cannot look after you anymore l am not well enough, he said l can look after you, there is no answer to this, just hope that he will stop asking to go home with me.
  5. Corriegal

    Corriegal Registered User

    Feb 7, 2015
    #5 Corriegal, Dec 11, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2015
    It's not easy.My Mum has been in a CH for just less than 1 week & has surprisingly settled in quite well, tho continues to ask when she is going home and had I arrived to take her home. It does pull at your heart strings, but the other side of things are that medically she is not able to cope/live independently any more, even with a full care package, myself & my family supporting her.The CH mum has activities most days and this does go a long way to keeping mum's mind off things. Has the CH got an activities organiser? Visiting Mum most days, I use this time to discuss what's in the daily/local newspapers/favourite magazine. I also developed a "Memory File" of local/family photos, newspaper articles etc which helps focus on happier times. Maybe listening to music will help. Given time, things will ease especially - being positive about how well your husband is doing in the CH. It's still early days and each day will be different. Hope this helps
  6. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    My mum, in care for 4 years, still occasionally asks to come home with me. For 4 years, I have told her, Im really looking forward to the time she can come home with me, but we have to wait until the doctors say she can

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  7. Bugsbunny4

    Bugsbunny4 Registered User

    Nov 6, 2015
    #7 Bugsbunny4, Dec 12, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2015
    Thanks to all the replies I have had. It is helpful to know there are others in the same boat even though there may not be an answer.
    Dementia to me is a weird thing, one day a person can be quite lucid, and appear just like anyone else, and the next day it's all change again.
    My husband has been taken off some of the medication he was prescribed in hospital and this does seem to have made a big difference to him being more like his old self. This improvement in his presentation makes it all the harder to leave him behind.
    Of course I am pleased to see he has improved because he is less stressed and clearly more comfortable.

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