Hard to believe but ss want to send mum home!

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SueShell, Jan 21, 2015.

  1. SueShell

    SueShell Registered User

    Sep 13, 2012
    Upon my visit to the NH this morning the Clinical Manager said SS rang them yesterday, as they did me, but failed to tell me that Mums stay in the NH was only respite and they want her to go home. The CM was very angry and the senior nurse said Mum now needs 24 hour care and something that carers coming in each day if she went home cannot deliver. The NH is really excellent, Mum likes it there although she still says she wants to go home. I just can't have her home. I'm only just getting back from a nervous breakdown having cared for her for 4 years on my own. Surely someone not eating, barely drinking, bed-ridden and doubly incontinent cannot come home. I'm worried sick but at least the staff at the NH are backing me and not SS. As Mum isnt self funding Im assuming they will not want to pay for her, thats the bottom line. Sue
  2. Boldredrosie

    Boldredrosie Registered User

    Mar 13, 2012
    I'm sorry to hear this & I don't know legally what your position could be but I'd refuse to have her home. I met with a SW last month who told me they support. Bed bound people with dementia who live on their on; all I could think was, how cruel. Surely somebody that disabled should have some body around all the time.
  3. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Oh Sue! Don't they ever give up? Thank goodness the NH recognises your Mum's needs and are on your side. Stick to your guns my lovely. You have done so well-first in looking after your Mum and then giving SS what for:D You shouldn't have all of this pressure on your shoulders. Just keep telling SS you will hold them fully responsible if any harm comes to your Mum. Also remind them that you will not be able to do ANY hands on caring if your Mum is sent home. You can do it.


    Lyn T XX
  4. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    I can believe it as we were in the same situation before Christmas.The main difference was that in the end my mum didn't say she wanted to go home.Had she done so I don't know what would have happened.SW thought she was well supported at home and that all her needs were met,she was in a similar situation to your mum I think,totally immobile,incontinent,unable to handle cutlery or a cup.I have since discovered that she lost 26% of her body weight between May and November last year.I made the decision that I would withdraw all my support and I would have done just that.On a positive note the opinion of care home manager seemed to carry quite a lot of weight.I can really empathise with you over this,I really though the stress would kill me sometimes.Good luck and stick to your guns.

    WILLIAMR Account Closed

    Apr 12, 2014
    I find it almost unbelievable what SS try on on times.
    A mother had been living in a daughters bungalow and just before she was taken in to hospital she had left the unlit gas on.
    The mother had also done a lot of damage to the furniture.
    Social Services wanted the daughter to downsize to pay for the mother's care but she refused.
    Immediately after this the mother became physically disabled and Social Services wanted to do several alterations to the bungalow to accommodate the mother.

    A lot of argument happened

    1) Social services were not correct in telling the daughter to downsize.
    2) The daughter was in her late 60's and could not handle the mother.
    3) The daughter was not happy the mother was safe in view of the gas incident.
    4) Social Services were prepared to do the alterations but they would not put the bungalow back in to the original state when the mother passed away.

    In the end the mother was put in the nursing home and she passed away within weeks.

  6. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Unbelievable. You MUST put your foot down - refuse to discuss it - they will just try to wear you down. They can't send her home without your cooperation - you would have to there to receive her. I am assuming they don't have door keys so can't just take her home anyway, as I know has happened to others.

    IMO you must just say no, and put the phone down on them if necessary. or say, 'I'm sorry but it's out of the question and I am not prepared to discuss it any further.'
    And then hang up.
    Please don't get drawn into arguments/discussions where they will very likely try to cajole or bully you into giving in.
  7. Ladybird23

    Ladybird23 Registered User

    Feb 28, 2014
    When my Mum was ill, the SS were horrible and I had many an argument on the phone with them. Grr! But I have to say my Mums Care Manager was very good and she helped me through the nasty bits. This gave me the heads up when my dad was diagnosed with AZ, and we have been fortunate to keep them away from the door.

    Stand up to them!

    All the best.
  8. angelface

    angelface Registered User

    Oct 8, 2011
    Oh dear, not AGAIN! Have these SS no sense at all?

    Stay strong, keep on saying no. Bear in mind it takes a long time to get over a breakdown. You may feel much better, but to wouldn't take much to pull you down again.
    Tell SS you cannot be responsible for at least a year, until you are really better, then see what they say:)
  9. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    I could weep for you. I mean really!!! What on earth are they thinking. I'm absolutely furious on your behalf. I do hope this gets sorted and these ridiculous people get reposted for their callous uncaring dispicable attitude. Arghhhh
  10. angecmc

    angecmc Registered User

    Dec 25, 2012
    So sorry, yet again they are letting you and your Mum down, I agree with Witzend advice, stay strong xx

  11. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    This just beggars belief, Sue, after all you've been through. I'm so sorry they're trying it on again - I just can't understand them.

    Stick to your guns and just keep saying that it's impossible and you won't discuss it any further.
  12. SueShell

    SueShell Registered User

    Sep 13, 2012
    Ive since found out that when clinical manager spoke to SW he pointed out how poorly Mum is and the SW said well shell have to go back to hospital then. How callous. The clinical manager was livid. Ive written an email to SS setting out points, eg, if mum is well enough to come home how comes 4 homes assessed her and refused to take her. Why did SW tell me to cancel my final 6 days respite carried over from last year in February. Clinical manager said mum needs 24 hour care, so I assume you will arrange night care as well but I thought the maximum care is 4 times a day( I know they won't so put this in). It was SW fault by going over my head that she was discharged from hospital in the first place and was back in A and E within 3 hours. Also, as I'm recovering from a nervous breakdown if she comes home you will be responsible for her because I am unable to be hands on or I will relapse. Watch this space. Social Workers are damned if they do and damned if they don't, but I can now really understand why they are so hated. Thank you for all your support, Sue xx

    WILLIAMR Account Closed

    Apr 12, 2014

    Hi Sue

    Social workers and the NHS are under a lot of pressure with their budgets and my step mother was in hospital for a month and 50 homes rejected her.
    The first suggestion was the bungalow she was living in should be sold to pay her fees. The problem was I was the owner.
    I was then approached and was told if I did not pay she could be let out and she could seriously hurt a child and I would be responsible.
    I just said I was going to involve a solicitor and walked out.
    About 2 hours later I had a phone call and CHC funding had mysteriously been agreed.
    50 homes assessed her and an expensive home was found which would take her.
    I was then approached by the social worker who said a special meeting would have to take place which could not happen for 2 weeks as some of the people who were needed for this meeting were not available and she said the room could be lost.
    She did say however if I paid my step mother could go straight away.
    I just refused to pay knowing my step mother was safe in hospital.
    How it happened I don't know but 3 days later we had a call saying my step mother was being transferred to the home.
    I learnt after there were always empty rooms at that nursing home because of the death rate being high because of the types of patients they took in.
    When I collected my step mother's things I was told by the social worker that it cost the NHS over £3,000 per week to keep my step mother in hospital.
    My only reaction was why did the NHS not save its money and agree to the care home fees at £1,050 a week in the first place.

  14. Different budgets.

    I feel it only fair that I declare my politics here - I'm left of centre and very pro-NHS. I didn't like it when internal charging was brought in some decades ago and still don't like it.

    Once you carve up a budget for someone's care, and you also introduce cutbacks like we have now, you end up with everyone playing pass-the-parcel so their budget will balance.

    It keeps (some of) the politicians happy but leaves the rest of us with gaps in care.

    Here endeth the political diatribe.

    WILLIAMR Account Closed

    Apr 12, 2014
    Hi Petrina

    I agree with what you are saying.
    As I said before it was a lot more to keep my step mother in hospital rather than send her to a nursing home on CHC funding.
    I think they must have realised at the start they were going to get nothing out of me for her care but the social worker spent a lot of time trying to persuade me to pay.
    As far as I am concerned it must have been obvious only the expensive home would take my step mother.
    Obviously the fees were paid by the NHS.
    Probably keeping her in hospital came out of one budget but financing her in a care home came out of another.
    If the figures I was given by the social worker were correct £9,000 plus must have been wasted.

  16. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    This doesn't always happen; in my Husband's case the all singing, all dancing, more expensive homes refused to take him as they couldn't deal with him. I found a not very luxurious but homely CH for Pete. Higher charges don't always equate to adequate care for a dementia sufferer.

    WILLIAMR Account Closed

    Apr 12, 2014
    Hi Lyn

    I am not disputing what you are saying.
    You are in a different area and it is what was available at the time.
    The home my step mother was in specialised in taking violent patients and they don't have them everywhere.
    That said an end of life centre is being built about 2 miles from me and it is in the same group as one of the less expensive homes nearby.
    I don't know what fees they will charge or if they could have looked after my step mother but this does not alter the fact I would not pay.

  18. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Sueshell

    Sorry your thread seems to have gone off track somewhat. I'm one of the guilty ones-sorry again.

    Have you had a response from the SW to your email?. I shouldn't think so but I was just checking. I hope that you are not feeling too stressed.

    Just to let you know that I am thinking of you


    Lyn T XX
  19. PeggySmith

    PeggySmith Registered User

    Apr 16, 2012
    You couldn't make it up. Wishing you strength and a positive outcome, Sue.
  20. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    Sue I am so glad you are getting the support of the NH and indeed that you are happy with the care and that your mum is content there. So cross with this SW for inflicting further stress on you, it's unbelievable. I hope you get confirmation soon that your mum can stay there. Fingers crossed it is sorted out soon. Take care.

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