Hallo, I'm new
- Thread starter kettie
- Start date
Hi Sarasa, yes - I'm staying with him for 4/5 days next week - this is all I can do as I have to travel to Wales after to visit my mother, while she does not have dementia she operates on high levels of extreme anxiety – I have to divide my leave up this way as I'm an only child.
Funny you mention about the paperwork, on my last visit about three weeks ago, I removed the original LPA documents - they are now in my flat in a fireproof folder, so maybe I have to do this with other stuff as well. I guess I'm feeling my way through this, trying to ascertain at what point I overstep the mark, so all of this advice is very valuable and I thank you and Grannie and Canary as well : )
p.s. will bear in mind the 'host mode' information – its useful.
Okay, I suppose I am posting to update and see if anyone else finds resonance with this situation. I live about 100 miles away from Dad and do not drive, so I guess I can be considered a distance carer - Dad is doing well (he still lives by himself), I visited last weekend (can't this weekend - train strikes) and he and his home are clean, this is good - however, he is losing weight and appears unstable on his feet - is this a dementia thing? He has told me he wants to remain living at home and I have promised that I will enable this for as long as possible (I have both LPAs). The thing is, and yes Dad has fantastic neighbours who help and I am in contact with them, it is so difficult to manage this from afar _ I cannot commit to one parent as I have an elderly mother, no dementia but frail who also lives a distance away, I am an only child no partner, no children - the buck stops with me - over the phone with Dad it is hard to try to ascertain whether he has done things, like car tax - yes, he can still drive local journeys - and I worry myself sick as to whether to believe him or not - I struggle with when I go to visit how intrusive I should be (rifling through paperwork etc). Dad is 83, and like many of his generation appears reticent to a) admit anything is untoward, b) accept help and c) be very suspicious of anyone who tries to help – I just wonder if anyone else finds themselves in a comparable situation and wonder if they have any advice to swap? : )
Its hard enough without being 100 miles away. I think you are just going to have to try looking through his paperwork. Won't be easy as PWD often won't admit they have any problems. Unfortunately being suspicious of people can also be part of dementia.
Would he agree to a carer checking on him once a day? Maybe you could persuade him he might need to start having a little bit of help now he's getting older????
Would he agree to a carer checking on him once a day? Maybe you could persuade him he might need to start having a little bit of help now he's getting older????
That is a hard thing to do - Dad has sucessfully overcome so many hurdles - including being born into Hitler's Germany, remembering the Russians arriving in Berlin, safely coming across the barriers of the Berlin Wall - learning two different languages and becoming a UK director of a very large multinational company - to encourage him to accept help or even that there is anything wrong is a huge barrier...........
I haven't posted for a while - things have taken a serious turn, basically I got that call at work that no child wants just over three weeks ago - my Dad had become horribly confused and lost whilst driving - he was still allowed to drive - to cut a long story short he was taken by the police to hospital - I travelled up there immediately - I live about 180 miles from Dad and do not drive. There was a DoLs in place and I was told that he would not be discharged unless it was into full-time care - I do have LPA both sorts - over the past three weeks I have arranged care, readied his room, moved him into a home - its a wonderful place - he is self funding. I have also tried to get to grips with his finances - I have been away from work for three weeks now - the logistics are hard enough but nothing prepares you for the emotions - two weeks prior this event I had visited and he was managing really well but a urinary infection caused a massive deterioration in his Alzheimer's and I have been told that what I see now is his new base level - it's just so sudden - even his GP (also brilliant) has said usually you get more of a lead-in time - what I saw at the hospital was completely different from the person who had taken me out to dinner and watched a rugby game with me two weeks before - I am currently staying in his flat trying to help him and his affairs out - its relentless, any words of comfort are welcome and while neighbours are being brilliant, absolutely brilliant, I am an only child, no children and no partner - the buck definitely ends with me........
Oh dear @kettle I am so sorry to read this - it must be so heart breaking for you to see such a change in such a short period of time. I remember reading what you had said about your dad and his amazing life.
You have done really well arranging everything in such a short space of time. It must be so hard not having anyone to help you but good that the neighbours are so helpful. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
You have done really well arranging everything in such a short space of time. It must be so hard not having anyone to help you but good that the neighbours are so helpful. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
Many thanks, its much appreciated - there are glimpses of his humour though - lying in the hospital bed three weeks ago at 4pm in the afternoon - he asked if I fancied a beer - he announced that he didn't want one - but (and then he talked to the rest of the ward) other people might want one............
my father is slowly starving himself to death - he is in a lovely care home the staff are brilliant - I visit my father everyday - for the past month he has been rejecting food - we have tried everything and now he won't eat at all - just a couple of protein shakes a day - he is dehydrated - his liquid intake is becoming a problem - and where his lips have dried, he has absolutely shredded them, they are all bloody and sore - lip balm is being applied regularly but he still keeps picking at his lips - my father is emaciated and is too weak to get out of bed unassisted – I don't know what to do, except keep coming in and being there - I play his favourite music when he wants and even though for the main he is immobile, his feet still tap - I imagined many things in my life but watching my father slowly starve himself to death was not one of them - the cruelty of this disease is unbridled.
Hello @kettie
Im so sorry to hear that dad has reached this stage.
It sounds to me as though your dad is indeed dying, but not because he is starving himself to death.
When someone with dementia dies from dementia, what happens is that their body closes down slowly, over days, weeks and sometimes even months. As part of this closing down the body can no longer process the food properly so they do not feel hungry (my mum said she felt sick at the thought of food) and they eat less and less. Eventually they stop eating and drinking altogether and, yes, they lose a lot of weight and are emaciated by the end.
I know that there is this feeling of, if only I could get them to eat I could prevent them from dying, but you cant. The truth is that they are already dying and that is the reason why they stop eating.
This is a very very difficult time. made harder because sometimes they rally for a while, so it is a real emotional rollercoaster. Hang on in there
(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
Im so sorry to hear that dad has reached this stage.
It sounds to me as though your dad is indeed dying, but not because he is starving himself to death.
When someone with dementia dies from dementia, what happens is that their body closes down slowly, over days, weeks and sometimes even months. As part of this closing down the body can no longer process the food properly so they do not feel hungry (my mum said she felt sick at the thought of food) and they eat less and less. Eventually they stop eating and drinking altogether and, yes, they lose a lot of weight and are emaciated by the end.
I know that there is this feeling of, if only I could get them to eat I could prevent them from dying, but you cant. The truth is that they are already dying and that is the reason why they stop eating.
This is a very very difficult time. made harder because sometimes they rally for a while, so it is a real emotional rollercoaster. Hang on in there
(((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
You are doing all you can and I am sure he appreciates your support even if he is unable to show it.
Many thanks - yes, I can't help but sit with my morning coffee and mull over what on earth just went on - two months ago I was in work planning to go to a dance class that evening and now I'm planning my father's funeral - to be honest I feel a little numb - but many thanks for your condolences
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