Hallo everybody, as the title say's I'm new and well... adjusting to the new landscape of my 82 year old father's recent Alzheimer's diagnosis. He lives alone, I am his only child, I live about 120 miles away, don't drive (ADHD) and am feeling a little lost. I am going to visit him tomorrow but am anxious as a neighbour rang earlier to say he is not happy with me as he thinks I have informed the DVLA about his diagnosis. I have not done this as it is something I wished to talk to him about first. He also thinks I have been talking to his doctor about him without his permission. I have talked to his doctor, but he gave permission for this. I am not sure how to handle this, so any suggestions would be most welcome. Many thanks : )
Hallo, I'm new
- Thread starter kettie
- Start date
Hello @kettie Welcome.
If your father is 120 miles away from you it will not be easy for you to monitor the progression of his dementia. Some people have a rapid progression while with others it is much slower and it`s impossible to predict.
Driving and financial independence are the two things which people hold on to for as long as possible. Discussion about your father`s fitness to drive will likely be a time bomb. I`m not sure how you will be able to handle this when you live such a distance away. Many people in the early stages of dementia could be safe enough but there is always a risk, as there is with any ageing person. Reactions slow down but it`s a fact which is very hard to face.
I`m afraid it might be a culture shock for you but I advise you to be as `economical with the truth ` as possible. Some people refer to this as love lies. I refer to it as trying to keep the peace. There is already a certain level of paranoia in your father who is suspicious of you. You do not need to tell him everything while whatever you do will be in his best interests even if he doesn`t agree with you.
This link might help pave the way for you.
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
If your father is 120 miles away from you it will not be easy for you to monitor the progression of his dementia. Some people have a rapid progression while with others it is much slower and it`s impossible to predict.
Driving and financial independence are the two things which people hold on to for as long as possible. Discussion about your father`s fitness to drive will likely be a time bomb. I`m not sure how you will be able to handle this when you live such a distance away. Many people in the early stages of dementia could be safe enough but there is always a risk, as there is with any ageing person. Reactions slow down but it`s a fact which is very hard to face.
I`m afraid it might be a culture shock for you but I advise you to be as `economical with the truth ` as possible. Some people refer to this as love lies. I refer to it as trying to keep the peace. There is already a certain level of paranoia in your father who is suspicious of you. You do not need to tell him everything while whatever you do will be in his best interests even if he doesn`t agree with you.
This link might help pave the way for you.
Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired
The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...
forum.alzheimers.org.uk
Hi @kettie
I agree with Sylvia about being economical with the truth - with dementia the important thing is to avoid distress. I wouldnt start a conversation with him about his diagnosis as he may well become distressed - many people with dementia truly believe that they have nothing wrong with them (apart from maybe a bad memory) and are unable to understand why they have a diagnosis - a bit like how you would feel if someone told you you had broken a leg when you know that you havent because there is no pain and you can walk on it properly.
If he starts to accuse you of reporting him to the DVLA make sure you say that it will have been the doctor who did this. If you feel you must and that this will pacify him, then you can tell him that he can appeal, but do not assist him in doing this. If he cant fill in the forms then he shouldnt be driving either.
Reporting a diagnosis of dementia to the DVLA is mandatory and it will be the doctor who has done this.
I agree with Sylvia about being economical with the truth - with dementia the important thing is to avoid distress. I wouldnt start a conversation with him about his diagnosis as he may well become distressed - many people with dementia truly believe that they have nothing wrong with them (apart from maybe a bad memory) and are unable to understand why they have a diagnosis - a bit like how you would feel if someone told you you had broken a leg when you know that you havent because there is no pain and you can walk on it properly.
If he starts to accuse you of reporting him to the DVLA make sure you say that it will have been the doctor who did this. If you feel you must and that this will pacify him, then you can tell him that he can appeal, but do not assist him in doing this. If he cant fill in the forms then he shouldnt be driving either.
A welcome from me too @kettie . Trying to help someone with dementia from a distance isn’t easy. If you can try to persuade your dad to appoint you as his attorney with a Lasting Power of Attorney . You can do this online and a neighbour could witness it. This will help you help your dad manage his affairs, and as things progress you can take over more and more.
This is a very friendly and supportive place, so I’m glad you’ve found us.
This is a very friendly and supportive place, so I’m glad you’ve found us.
Thank you Grannie G ad Sarasa, I will try to take this on board, Sarasa, I already have LPA, both bits, so that is in place - I am so glad I have found this place - there is something else as well though which could make things very tricky, I won't go into too much detail but it is likely that my father has unaddressed PTSD challenges from horrific war time experiences - anyway, I'll do the best I can - many thanks for your advice and care : )
Many thanks for all of your advice - it really, really helped e.g. distraction, focusing on positive feelings, we spent Saturday afternoon in the garden watching the plane trails, guessing at where the planes were going and what the people on the planes might be eating/drinking. Essentially, my father said nothing about his recent diagnosis and this is something (however hard) that I have to both accept and respect. People dropped by over the weekend to see us both and we all made it as pleasant as possible - the strength of such gentle support is humbling : )
That sounds a good weekend with lovely gentle activities and no distress - it doesnt get much better than that 😊
Hallo, haven't posted here for a while...... things OKish with Dad but its sooooo tricky, he won't really talk with me (apart from about the weather). Basically, my father was a full time carer for his partner for seven years (it's cruel that he now has dementia), anyway, this partner is now in full time care and her property was rented out. A few days ago, a neighbour rang me (honestly I swear this country runs off sheer goodwill) and told me that one of his partner's adult children had rung him and said that the property needs to be sold. My father won't talk to me about such things, but I have heard that his partner (now in care) gave him a portion of the property. That makes sense as to why one of her children rang my Dad. The thing is I'm worried that Dad will be asked to sign papers and/or navigate legal matters, which I am not sure he will fully understand. I can't talk to him about it, as I don't think I'm supposed to know. I have the adult child's contact number, but what on earth do I say as I doubt Dad has shared that he has dementia with her but am greatly concerned.... any advice here on how to sensitively handle things would be very welcome....... also, my father has unaddressed PTSD so is prone to outbursts (generally verbal) - I don't want to trigger anything x
btw I live about 160 miles away from Dad and don't drive.
btw I live about 160 miles away from Dad and don't drive.
Hi @kettie, I'd phone the adult child and explain about your dad's diagnosis. I know it sounds like going behind your dad's back, but it will help her family understand why your dad might not be doing things they are asking him to.
Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney as if you do you could handle any legal matters regarding the sale of his partner's property for him, and maybe not even tell him about it, or only in the most general terms.
Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney as if you do you could handle any legal matters regarding the sale of his partner's property for him, and maybe not even tell him about it, or only in the most general terms.
Hi Sarasa, thank you for your reply - OK, I'll have a think about that and yes, I do have LPA (both sorts), but I couldn't do it behind his back – I just couldn't, but I can offer to help or take over basic things with it – thing is he's already suspicious of me (without any cause), so its tricky, but I'll give this. person a ring tomorrow.
Many thanks : )
Many thanks : )
Unfortunately, as the dementia progresses it is something that you have to start doing. When they begin to not understand what is happening, trying to involve them creates anxiety and if they are at all suspicious to start with then not understanding compounds this suspicion massively.
You need to find out whether your dad has any legal interest in the property. Does he, for example, own part of it? If he doesnt, then I doubt that he would be part of the sale and you do not need to take it further. But if he does, then yes, he will have to get involved and sign things, or, if he is unable, or refuses (because he doesnt understand), then you as POA, will be responsible. But first, find out where he stands.
I felt terribly guilty when I first started doing things without telling OH, but I have discovered that "being economical with the truth" makes life so much easier for both of us.
This is not being deceitful, it is protecting someone who is unable to protect themselves. It is speaking up for someone who is unable to speak for themselves. It is acting in their best interests, recognising they have a serious illness which leaves them open to being taken advantage of.
This is going to be a new landscape for me. I suppose because I live so far away there is no doing things 'economically' – I visit my father and have to ask to see paperwork etc. so in that respect I have to talk with him about things, as I don't know where paperwork etc. is. First port of call, though, is to speak to his partners child and try to find out that way. I'm visiting Dad next week, so hopefully I will know more by then. This POA business is confusing though, I was told by a solicitor that it is a process of negotiation and that you have to discuss things and reach agreements with the donor over what you can and can't do........
Anyway, many thanks for your advice, it really does help.
Anyway, many thanks for your advice, it really does help.
Yes, I see that and no, I would not want anything/one to take advantage of him – I worry so much about him - he is becoming increasingly vulnerable and is trying more and more to hide it, and I'm quite a distance away, dodging train strikes when I try to visit. Life really does throw you some conundrums............
@kettie It might help if you contact Social Services and explain your situation.
www.nhs.uk
Social care and support guide
If you or someone you know needs help with day-to-day living because of illness or disability, this website explains your options and where you can get support.
www.nhs.uk
The doctor is great, and is aware of everything. Dad can still drive local distances, keep clean, shop, cook and keep his flat clean and that deems him as having capacity, which for the main he does have, its just more complex things stress him............ I'll see how things are next week, many thanks for your support x
Hi @kettie, Is there anyway you can stay with your dad for a few days? He may well be fine with day to day stuff, but people with dementia can exhibit 'host mode' where they can manage to sound as though they are very capable for a short while when meeting professionals or family for a few hours. I knew my mother had dementia, and that things were getting worse. It wasn't until she went into care I realised how bad things were, as even though I spoke to her on the phone every day and saw her a couple of time a week she could seem pretty together. You may find your dad really can cope, but he may be getting to the stage where he needs more day to day support.
If you can I'd start removing important paperwork. Your dad might get so confused about it he throws it away as it doesn't seem important. Using your LPA to support him may mean not telling him things, but it will be the best way to support him in the end.
If you can I'd start removing important paperwork. Your dad might get so confused about it he throws it away as it doesn't seem important. Using your LPA to support him may mean not telling him things, but it will be the best way to support him in the end.
Being POA means doing things that he is unable to do, and doing things in his best interest.
This may mean negotiating with him and reaching agreement over what you can and cannot do, but sometimes this may mean overriding his wishes when he doesnt understand a situation, or even just doing things without consulting him if you know it will upset him, but they have to be done.
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