Guilty

[AlzWife]

I already posted today, but I’m feeling greedy (or needy) so I’m posting again. I started sleeping separately from my husband a few months ago for my health and comfort. I miss my bedroom and superior bed, but having peace at night is even more valuable. I’d like to say I miss the cuddles but my husband’s touch does not feel comforting anymore.

He tends to drag out bedtime and stare at his phone or into the fire for hours then he may or may not brush his teeth, may or may not remember to put his hearing aids on charge, etc so he’s up and down. Then he starts grabbing me in bed. Then the snoring begins. The whole thing was beyond madness plus I’d sleep on my side and my shoulder would freeze.

Now I’m pretty settled in the basement but every night when I tell him I’m going to bed he says I’ll be in in a few minutes & I say but I’m sleeping downstairs and he acts surprised. I feel like I’m breaking the news to him anew every night that I no longer sleep with him and I feel guilty like I’ve abandoned him.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @AlzWife

Carers need to be able to make the best arrangements for their own health and sanity without guilt.

Your husband has reached a stage where he may be unable to monitor his own behaviour which is why you have made the decisions you have made.

If you have to tell him of the sleeping arrangements every night, it can`t be helped. It`s in the same way you may need to remind him to wash, clean his teeth and use his hearing aids.

You haven`t abandoned him. Your relationship has changed because of the dementia but you are still there, trying to make the best of a rotten situation.

Try to get some rest.

 

[AlzWife]

Thanks Grannie G. It’s true.

 

[sapphire turner]

I feel the same, it’s been four months now that I have been sleeping in the spare room. I have to go through the guilt every night, he says why are you making me sleep in the dog’s room? I say it’s the best bedroom in the house, with an en-suite bathroom. I can bring the dog up to my room if you don’t want him with you. It’s not that he says, I need you here. I could sleep better if you were here (he didn’t). If you loved me at all you wouldn’t leave me here in the dogs room. Every night!
He just came up with a new approach- could we have a Christmas truce? You come back and sleep with me for a week at Christmas. I said no, Christmas is stressful enough without getting no sleep as well. He says I am so selfish.
It hurts but there is no going back now. Getting up there in my own space as soon as possible after 9pm is what gets me through the evening. It feels cruel but my sanity is on the line! Sending love ❤️ xxx

 

[tonebear]

I already posted today, but I’m feeling greedy (or needy) so I’m posting again. I started sleeping separately from my husband a few months ago for my health and comfort. I miss my bedroom and superior bed, but having peace at night is even more valuable. I’d like to say I miss the cuddles but my husband’s touch does not feel comforting anymore.

He tends to drag out bedtime and stare at his phone or into the fire for hours then he may or may not brush his teeth, may or may not remember to put his hearing aids on charge, etc so he’s up and down. Then he starts grabbing me in bed. Then the snoring begins. The whole thing was beyond madness plus I’d sleep on my side and my shoulder would freeze.

Now I’m pretty settled in the basement but every night when I tell him I’m going to bed he says I’ll be in in a few minutes & I say but I’m sleeping downstairs and he acts surprised. I feel like I’m breaking the news to him anew every night that I no longer sleep with him and I feel guilty like I’ve abandoned him.

In my limited way I have solved the "I'm sleeping somewhere else" conversation / explanation, I just say,OK be in later, it's what i do and then go and look at the computer to find out what's on here. My wife is asleep within ten minutes and I don't then have to listern to a very long and rambling story that i have heard a million time before. Cruel but it tends to preserve my sanity.

 

[AlzWife]

In my limited way I have solved the "I'm sleeping somewhere else" conversation / explanation, I just say,OK be in later, it's what i do and then go and look at the computer to find out what's on here. My wife is asleep within ten minutes and I don't then have to listern to a very long and rambling story that i have heard a million time before. Cruel but it tends to preserve my sanity.

Good method. Lying is very helpful in this situation when they already don’t know what going on. I might try putting him to bed earlier and doing the same escape routine myself. When left to himself, he’s been staying up late for no reason but also getting up at a normal time. He’s then extra zoinked and cranky all day.

 

[AlzWife]

I feel the same, it’s been four months now that I have been sleeping in the spare room. I have to go through the guilt every night, he says why are you making me sleep in the dog’s room? I say it’s the best bedroom in the house, with an en-suite bathroom. I can bring the dog up to my room if you don’t want him with you. It’s not that he says, I need you here. I could sleep better if you were here (he didn’t). If you loved me at all you wouldn’t leave me here in the dogs room. Every night!
He just came up with a new approach- could we have a Christmas truce? You come back and sleep with me for a week at Christmas. I said no, Christmas is stressful enough without getting no sleep as well. He says I am so selfish.
It hurts but there is no going back now. Getting up there in my own space as soon as possible after 9pm is what gets me through the evening. It feels cruel but my sanity is on the line! Sending love ❤️ xxx

Thanks for the love sapphire! I need it! I totally agree that I’d be in an institution if I didn’t have me sleep & my separate space. I invite him down to watch TV most nights. Then I start the tooth brushing routine or he’ll get tired and come upstairs himself but he’ll often find sone distractions on the way to the bathroom or he’ll get in bed and look at the phone for hours…so it’s good I’m not there!

My husband isn’t asking for me to sleep with him but when I do lay down occasionally he goes into spasms about how much he loves me and that’s OK every now & then. I just leave once he’s fallen asleep which happens in two minutes if the lights are out & he’s disconnected from his phone.

Sorry your hubby has got your number, but don’t feel guilty! Thanks again for replying!

 

[Touchstone]

It is so difficult wanting your own space for a while. My partner is in early stages of Alzheimer’s and still drives amazingly well, many other things, he is hopeless. He was meant to go away for the weekend with his brother and I was in heaven. I then get a call this morning saying he’s on his way home after one day. I was so looking forward to my space. He is now saying he came back to order flowers for Valentine’s Day, three days early!! Quite sneaky though. I am totally miserable, I never have any time to myself, he has no outlets and has been extremely rude to a neighbour and annoyed another one. I don’t know how I will carry on. I haven’t mentioned that my husband died 25 years ago and I still miss him so much. This was a partnership of convenience, which I am now regretting, but am not able to do anything about.

 

[sapphire turner]

Yes it's awful to get stuck in this situation especially if it is a fairly recent relationship. I reached a point 6-7 years ago just after I retired when I could see the way things were going (at that point it wasn’t definitely dementia in my mind, possibly depression, but a very big change in what he could bring to our relationship) and I thought if I am going to leave, it is now or never. I just couldn’t do it tho, we had had 25 years together, mainly happy……
I often think back to that fork in the road and wonder how things would be for us both now if I had left, before anyone else realised. I can’t imagine that anyone else would be mad enough to look after him tho, grumpy old *******. I really really need my space tho. We have both had norovirus this week and it has been an absolute nightmare on so many fronts. Particular highlight was him vomiting all over the just delivered post 🙈🙈🙈
Sending love to all ❤️

 

[tonebear]

Yes it's awful to get stuck in this situation especially if it is a fairly recent relationship. I reached a point 6-7 years ago just after I retired when I could see the way things were going (at that point it wasn’t definitely dementia in my mind, possibly depression, but a very big change in what he could bring to our relationship) and I thought if I am going to leave, it is now or never. I just couldn’t do it tho, we had had 25 years together, mainly happy……
I often think back to that fork in the road and wonder how things would be for us both now if I had left, before anyone else realised. I can’t imagine that anyone else would be mad enough to look after him tho, grumpy old *******. I really really need my space tho. We have both had norovirus this week and it has been an absolute nightmare on so many fronts. Particular highlight was him vomiting all over the just delivered post 🙈🙈🙈
Sending love to all ❤️

my sympathy is with you, but on the bright side most of the post i get is asking for money and need vomiting on.

 

[sapphire turner]

Haha tonebear that’s true! There were a couple of hospital appointments I had already had by email that were very soggy, and a U3A magazine that was beyond saving but nothing of concern as usual 😹