• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

guilty explanation

oldboy

Registered User
Mar 28, 2021
12
0
just needed to get this of my chest more on my wifes admission into care home. one morning she was sat having breakfast and an hour later she was in the care home there was no discussion she had no say in it i just packed a case and off we went you could see the bewilderment in her eyes when she was addmited she had no idea what was going on all this happened because i said so, because the previous night i had flipped and decided that i couldnt cope any longer, when she asked the other day if i had come to take her home i said she had to stay until she was better, we all know thats not going to happen. she is only 72 i feel i have condemed her into care for what could be many years. hope i am not around to see it
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,924
0
South coast
You did what all of us who have placed a loved one had to do. It is impossible to prepare them, or explain or anything and you wont get them to agree that its for the best because they dont see any of the problems that you are having. Often telling them beforehand will just make things worse and distress them. None of them understand why and they never will, so we have to use love lies. I told mum she was convalescing after her hospital stay.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
211
0
New Zealand
just needed to get this of my chest more on my wifes admission into care home. one morning she was sat having breakfast and an hour later she was in the care home there was no discussion she had no say in it i just packed a case and off we went you could see the bewilderment in her eyes when she was addmited she had no idea what was going on all this happened because i said so, because the previous night i had flipped and decided that i couldnt cope any longer, when she asked the other day if i had come to take her home i said she had to stay until she was better, we all know thats not going to happen. she is only 72 i feel i have condemed her into care for what could be many years. hope i am not around to see it
@oldboy. In time you will come to realise you've done the best thing for you both. It's an awful situation to be in, but time will prove you did the right thing. I dreaded placing MH into care and initially he refused to co-operate with the staff, but after a few weeks he was settled in. He's only been there 5 months, but about a month ago he told me that it is his place and that that's where he lives.
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
720
0
@oldboy There is no right way to go about this and the way you chose was as good as any. The best way has to be judged by those closest to the patient.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,148
0
Newcastle
It is the best way to do it @oldboy. Discussion would have been pointless. The day before my wife went into care we had a good time out together with the dog. It gave me pause for thought as to whether I was doing the right thing. But then back home that night I realised that the good day was a rarity. It was sadly overshadowed by all the challenges of giving her the care she deserved, that I wasn't able to provide. On the day of the move she asked a few times where we were going and I answered very vaguely. At the home I said that I had some business there and would she come in with me or sit in the car.

With such subterfuge began her life in care. It didn't feel good but I soon established that in practice - and in my own mind - it was for the best. Soon, when I called to see her she would say what a lovely room she had, ask me if she could stay and so on. If she asks about 'home' now it is the one where her Mam and Dad still live, not the one she shared with me for over 40 years.

I hope that things start to settle for you and your wife and you make peace with the decision that you had to make.
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
167
0
Hi @oldboy You have written my thoughts exactly.

I have just rung the home where my OH went to on Wednesday and I end up in floods of tears visualising him bewildered by the new surroundings he finds himself in.

The carer I spoke to said he keeps asking where he is and wanting to go home- she has told him he is there to get his strength back after many falls, but I am haunted by that statement because I want him to stay there and get the 24/7 care he needs- but he doesn't know.

But on the other hand I wish he was back home with me and that I could cope. I feel so useless.

You say she may have many years to live and that 'I hope I am not around to see it'- yes I know just what you mean. I feel as if I don't deserve a life after doing this to him.
 

northumbrian_k

Registered User
Mar 2, 2017
1,148
0
Newcastle
What you have done to him @Old Flopsy is to make sure that he is in a safe place where he gets the care he needs and deserves. You have done your best by him. You can still have a shared life even when living apart. And you of course deserve a life for having the strength to do what is necessary. Be kind to yourself, it is still early days.
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
182
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
But on the other hand I wish he was back home with me and that I could cope. I feel so useless.

You say she may have many years to live and that 'I hope I am not around to see it'- yes I know just what you mean. I feel as if I don't deserve a life after doing this to him.
I can relate to this. Went for a walk this afternoon, and thought 'I don't belong in this place without him'.

@oldboy There is no right way to go about this and the way you chose was as good as any. The best way has to be judged by those closest to the patient.
This is so true MartinWL

Maybe it is still too raw, and more time is needed and one day I'll feel more at peace when I can read the sense of peace in his face.
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
167
0
@DennyD Yes it's so hard- our feelings are so raw. I too went for a short walk this afternoon- first time since before OH went to hospital, and then into the care home. I just felt so alone- and when I got back home he wasn't looking out of the window waiting for me to reappear as he always was.