Grandma refuses to listen to us?

[SA23]

Hi I'm new to this support forum and i need some advice.

My grandma is in her early 80s and is being looked after by my mum who is in her late 40s and I need some advice on why my grandma behaves the way she does.
First of all my grandma left her house a few years ago because her other grandkids kicked her out kinda and she has been living with us since then. When they are not there she is always talking about how they kicked her out and how she doesn't like them and how her eldest daughter never comes to see her. However, when she is with those people or any of her other relatives she talks about how she loves them so much and how they do everything for her.

One time when she was ill she was staying at my aunties for like a week and my mum made her something that's supposed to help you get better and my grandma went around telling everyone that my aunty does everything for her and that she is the only one who does anything. I really don't understand why.

Another thing is that recently she doesn't tell anybody when she needs to go to the bathroom. For example, I think it was my dad who was in the bathroom the other day and he didn't know that she was waiting to go to the bathroom because she didnt even say like 'hurry up' or anything along those lines. So he was taking my time and then when he walked out of the bathroom she was just sat there on the bottom step and when she got up she had wet her pants and the carpet was all wet. Then as anybody would my mum got a bit mad and was saying to grandma 'why didn't you tell anybody'. She has been doing this repeatedly and she never listens and i think this is effecting my mums mental health now. The situation i just mentioned above happened again literally 15 minutes ago but nobody was in the bathroom and my grandma was just stood there at the door watching what my mum was doing who wasnt even in the bathroom and she did it on the carpet. And because of this my mum seemed to be on the verge of tears.

I feel like I'm ranting now but finally my grandma puts on an act when she eats. At breakfast time she eats in her room and she finishes her weetabix and tea quickly. However, when she eats her evening meal at around 7 she sits at the dining table with us and some days she will finish all her food but some days she eats half of it and leaves the rest and somedays she literally leaves one mouthful ONE MOUTHFUL. And then my mum loses her temper and starts shouting saying to her why do you never eat infront of us its literally one mouthful it wont kill you to finish it and then she will finish it. She will never finish all of her food unless my mum has to say something to her. And whenever my mum's friends are over she will leave at least half of her food.

I would really appreciate if somebody could answer why she behaves like this and if she doesnt like my mum and our family or if its something else.

Thank you

 

[Louise7]

Hello @SA23 and welcome. Sorry to hear about the problems you and your family are having at the moment. You don't mention if your grandma has been diagnosed with dementia but the things that you have described are all quite common with dementia. I don't think that your grandma is deliberately refusing to listen to you, but as dementia progresses behaviour changes happen which can affect thought processes, and there are often physical changes too. This can include things like saying the same thing repeatedly, no longer being able to say or do or understand things like they used to, and also being critical of those who are providing the most care. My mum has dementia and her appetite does vary, sometimes she'll eat a lot and other times not much at all, that's part of the dementia. As dementia progresses it is common to become incontinent and it does appear that your grandma has now reached the stage where she needs incontinence pants/products. It sounds as if your mum is getting very stressed but shouting at your grandma will not make her listen or understand things. You mention that your mum made your grandma "something that's supposed to help you get better" but unfortunately dementia is progressive so will only get worse, although there are medications that can help with the symptoms, depending on the type of dementia. Are you in the UK? If so please reach out for some support, as the local authority can undertake a care needs assessment for your grandma and a carer assessment for your mum, and may provide help if your grandma is not able to pay for her own care. I think it might also be a good idea for you or your mum to contact the Dementia Support Line or Admiral nurses as they will be able to offer advice and support for you and your family, and let you know about local resources too. Details here:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[Jessbow]

Shouting at her is pointless. It doesnt matter how loud someone shouts, if you dont understand, you just dont understand.

As it progresses she will understand less and less.
She will confused people, who does what, who cares for her and who doesnt- again perfectly normal- dont take it to heart

Wetting is very common,and as she progresses she may well lose more understanding. Maybe its time to look for a home for her

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I'd suggest you and your mum read some of the threads on this forum. It will give you a better idea of how people with dementia behave.

It will be a depressing read - it's a very steep learning curve. Dementia is unlike anything else and it's hard to get your head around sometimes.