Graham now in nursing home


Registered User
Apr 6, 2007
I cannot remember the last time I posted but graham is now in a nursing home needs 24 hour care sadly I could not look after him any more.I have ,I think
agreed with my conscience that I did the best I could for as long as I could, it does not stop me wanting to bring him home.Unlike most of the residents he has still has some insight and understanding (but not of his own problems) and is aware of the differences However he has challenging behaviour is unpredictable and changes in a flash from Mr Nice to Mr Nasty.yesterday he threw or kicked anything that was in his reach his shoes, socks, glasses, cup, cake,furniture swore at the staff slapped one of them tried to pull the curtains down.Sunday he was the same only a little more lucid.I get very very upset when he says about coming home and getting better it is all said in the right order and context and makes me think he should be home here,then common sense prevails, he started to swear at me and told me to go away in strong language.I left and sat in the car with tears streaming down my face,I drove to a very good friend who lives close to the home and cried so many tears yet again. If Graham did not have that degree of awareness I may feel better.
My social life has picked up again but when I drive home I am saying sorry to him all the time ,I feel so guilty that he is in a home yet I am enjoying our lovely home, and as he was such a home bird it makes it worse.Do these awful feelings ever go away?Does everyone feel like this? the emotional turmoil is so draining
I am going to see our son in New York next month, and as the days tick down I am feeling more and more guilty had I been going by myself I would probably have cancelled by now, but our daughter is coming with me,a treat for all she has done for us .
My faith is certainly tested some days, and life can be very "dark"this is such a cruel illness,then an act of kindness a phone call or invitation restores my belief and hopes lifting my spirits again,I am very fortunate to have such good kind friends and a wonderful daughter .
next month his NHS funding assessment is due, social worker kindly told me that he has no legal obligation to help us if we need to fight again , as Graham would be self funding had he not had NHS care.Just when you need help and support
from the so called experienced people it is not forthcoming.
We live to fight another day..

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Please don`t feel guilty Barbie, you have done as much as you can.

It`s OK to feel sad your husband can no longer share the pleasurable things in life with you, but guilt is only if there were an alternative, and I`m sure there isn`t.

So enjoy your social life, your husband wouldn`t want it, and enjoy your trip to see your son, your husband wouldn`t be fit to travel.

Love xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Barbie, I know exactly how you feel. My husband John has just been admitted to a NH, and I'm suffering exactly the same emotions as you.

There is always guilt. We always feel we could have done more. When John has a good day, I come home and cry, because I think I could be looking after him at home. When he has a bad day, paradoxically I feel better, because I know i couldn't cope. He's being well looked after, by people who go home at the end of shift. The worst of caring at home is that it is literally 24/7, and when you're not getting any sleep it becomes progressively more difficult.

I feel so much better, both physically and mentally, and I've started going to U3A classes again. I'd given them up because mentally I couldn't cope. It's great to be able to have normal coversations with friends again, and I visit John feeling positive again. Friends are so important.

Enjoy your trip to NY, and don't feel at all guilty about it. You've done as much as you could, and have now handed over to professionals. It doesn't mean you've abandoned Graham, or that you don't love him. You've just done as much as you're physically capable of, as have I.



Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
Dear Barbie,
I think when you have done all that you can possibly do to care for someone 24/7 you mustn't feel any guilt, as it's not through lack of wanting, just sheer exhaustion.
This time comes for most carers and as you have found out, it is not easy, but, life goes on. Having good friends in your life sure is a blessing. I hope that you and your daughter have a wonderful time visiting in New York. Take Care Taffy.


Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
Newport, Gwent
Dear Barbie

Life is not sadly a rehearsal for any of us, we pass this way but once. You have done all you can for your hubby, and now you have made sure he is safe, and very well looked after by those who are qualified to look after him.

I know its hard, but you cannot put your own life on hold, you have to find a balance and start living again. What would it do to your son and daughter to see you not having any kind of life yourself.

Be kind to yourself, dry those tears, and start looking toward the future. Enjoy your holiday with your son and daughter, and start creating good memories for them.


Cate xx


Registered User
Oct 17, 2007
kelowna, bc, canada
I'm relatively new to this world of Alzheimer's but I can and do sympathise greatly as I can see your path is the one my mother is travelling along with my dad. He's slowly declining and she's devoting every waking hour to him. I know too, that if she ever comes to visit us in Canada she'll have the same feelings of guilt.

I keep saying to her to make the most of the time she has with him while he still has some awareness, but not to forget that she has a right to a life too, and my dad wouldn't want her to feel guilty.

Enjoy your trip, make the most of your time with your family, and be sure that your husband appreciates all the time and energy you gave him until he became so ill.


Registered User
Jul 31, 2007
Dear Barbie
I am so sorry to hear about Graham. Hazel has written what I have felt so many times. Unfortunately, it does not get easier. To-day i went to see Peter in the N.H. and he was in the lounge by himself turning the furniture upside down..So I put the furniture back and tried to get his attention by showing him photos of our eldest Grandson and his fiance. Nothing registered. Peter wandered off back to the lounge and started turning the furniture upside down again. I became so upset I could not go back into the room. When I got outside I felt GUILTY big time(mind you I always do after visiting) Sat in the car, had a cigarette, repeating over and over I must not cry. I know that everything I could have do for Peter I did. Even the Consultant telling me I gave Peter 2 extra years at home. They are still our loved ones and I think personally, it is the fact I don't want to let go.
I wish you all the best.