Going on external visits from a care home with dementia sufferer

[cricksurfer]

Hi all, my mum has Parkinsons disease and dementia. She is 69 and living in a care home since December 2020. The care home has been under lockdown because of COVID for several weeks/months at a time on-and off in the last year. I have ECG status so have been able to maintain regular visits to mum. The latest lockdown was from Dec 2021 through to Apr 2022. We are now able to take mum out again for a cup of tea and cake, see old friends and wider family members. However, we are finding that according to the care home mum is very unsettled by the visits out. After the visits mum can get very unsettled to the point where she gets sweaty because she is that agitated, this has been heightened since going out of the home again. There have been times when after outings mum has become aggressive towards both staff and other residents both physically and verbally, this then unsettles mum more as she is aware after the event of what she has done and this is very much not her normal character.

I get that the dementia is the cause of the behaviour changes and this is to a certain extent to be expected as dementia progresses. But I wonder what to do about it. I believe it is right thing to do to take mum out of the home and see people as she remembers these visits more than if I just sit in her room with her and she often says she is in prison and doesn’t know what she did wrong. But this is clearly something that the home are struggling to manage afterwards and should I be trying to find a way to minimize the impact to them, or is it part of what we pay them for to handle mums care needs? Should I reconsider external visits and stick to visits in the home instead?

Many thanks in advance.
James

 

[jaymor]

As. much as you want to continue taking your Mum out if it’s upsetting and unsettling your mum after them it’s best not to do it. my husband enjoyed going out then suddenly he became agitated and wanting to go back to the nursing home. We then walked around the garden and had tea outside. Then taking him outside was no longer a pleasure to him, he would begin to shake after just five minutes. I don’t think it’s so much that the staff should manage this behaviour, they want your Mum to be as settled and content as she can be. They work to keep residents calm and settled. Seeing my husband agitated and distressed was heartbreaking, I was more than happy to say no more trips and the garden only if he was happy. The first sign of agitation he was to go back. Even with me with him he shook from head to foot.

Dementia sadly marches on and visits and outings that had been appreciated and enjoyable outings become too much.

Could the friends not visit her within the home? It is sad when something else can no longer be part of their life but it’s kinder to stop what is upsetting your Mum. I think we feel it more than they do.

 

[canary]

I wonder if visiting friends/family is triggering "Hostess Mode", leaving her exhausted and confused?

Try taking her out for shorter lengths of time for coffee and cake, but not visiting other people.

 

[cricksurfer]

Thanks for the replies. It has been difficult because of COVID to be able to do visits in the home. There are only so many available slots to visit and a lot of residents with their visitors to accommodate.

My sister being limited to weekends due to work and living some distance away further narrows visiting options. Taking mum away from the home means we can visit consistently but clearly we have to do what is best for her rather than what suits us.

Will try taking her out briefly then come back and sit outside, now the weather is improved, and that may give her time to get used to being back in the care home environment. We usually visit in the mornings just before lunch so her lunch is a distraction after we go, maybe we should try a different time of day.

Thanks again!

 

[canary]

I used to find that taking mum out in the mornings was best @cricksurfer and I used to do the same as you - arrive back before lunch so that lunch can be used as a distraction when leaving. As mums dementia advanced, however, I could only take her out for increasingly shorter periods of time, before she would get too tired and have to go back.