Going on alone

[sunray]

I am okay thank you. I have just been away for two weeks with rather a complicated itinerary but all worked out well. First I visited my son and family, then flew to Adelaide for a convention, then back to Sydney and down to my daughter's place for Mothers Day, had a nice time there, lovley to have someone else do the cooking. I got home this afternoon and was sooo glad to be in the peace and quiet of my own place.

The convention I went to had only a few widows and single people there, it was mostly couples, but there was no melt-down, just a sigh of regret from time to time when I saw couples dancing. I shared a room with another widow so she understood, her husband died from cancer two years ago.

I am glad it is acceptable to dance alone with the new modern dances so we danced alone and smiled and laughed and all was well as it could be. And at least we were in company and having a good time.

 

[Grannie G]

You did well Sue. I`m glad it wasn`t all too stressful for you. I know just how you felt to be back in the peace and quiet of your own place.

We can`t win, can we.

 

[grouse]

your convention sounded good, nice to have some like minded people to talk to, did you manage to swap phone numbers with anyone? maybe having someone who understands without you having to explain would make you feel slightly less alone with everything you're going through.
best wishes xx

 

[sunray]

Grouse, I guess I am slow at skills like swapping numbers. I did have a gentleman sit beside me at morning tea and inform me he still had 50 cows on his farm. With apologies to any farming folk reading this I did not feel I wanted to be a cowgirl at my age...lol.

It is hard to make new friends. I think I might have to join a Seniors Centre and see if I can take up some new hobbies and make some new friends. With winter coming on now I admit it is tempting to just snuggle down and not do much.

Sue.

 

[grouse]

I agree, it is hard to make new friends, and I dont blame you not wanting to be a cowgirl!

is there any chance you could plan a trip or something to look forward to?

 

[sunray]

Another birthday come and gone. Two out of three of my children rang, I didn't expect to hear from the other one. I had some phone calls from old friends, some emails and a couple of cards in the post. It is good some people remembered. My DIL and her three took me out to dinner and I enjoyed their company.

I cried when I got home, as you do. There is never a substitute for being without the one you loved so long and so well but somehow life has to go on and be accepted for what it is - your life now.

Sue.

 

[Saffie]

O Sue, it's hard isn't it, this being alone.
I know I still have my husband but in the main, I am alone.
I so admire the way you have got on with your life.
No, it's not great and it's not perfect but you're getting on with it.
I doubt if I could do anything like as well.

Where birthdays are concerned, mine are now just really for the grandchildren
They think that birthdays are happy days - I feel a little differently. x

 

[sunray]

I have two new people added to my visiting list for the church and both of them have dementia. I now have two ladies in the Lodge Mum was in and one in one of the wards that specialise in people who need to walk around but have had some problem behaviour at home. I am so used to dealing with people with dementia that I am quite capable of visiting them and having conversations and just being one of the many "nice people" they see. All have to have had previous contact with our church. That makes the criteria very narrow but it is the best we can do.

Legally there has to be a request by the POA for me to visit so that covers the church if anyone questions why I am there. I have a Diploma that covers the work I am doing and regular police checks that I am still a suitable person. So far I get on well with all three ladies, if that changes I pull back until we decide if the visits are benefiting them and acceptable to them or not.

As far as I know we do not have the equivalent of Dementia Champions here. There may be some similar programs in Australia that I don't know about. There are a few mentoring programs and peer support programs for other long term illnesses but as far as I know not for dementia. In the meanwhile people like me who have had experience with dementia and some pastoral training fill in the gaps I guess.

Some one asked me the other day what I did to fill in my time and I said all the things I did before besides looking after Ray but more of it. So far, so good.

 

[Saffie]

You are doing such good work Sue. I am full of admiration.
I wish I hadn't posted before.
I really know what it is to be alone now, not just at home.
xxx

 

[Spamar]

No Saffie, you are not alone. You have your friends and family in the real world and all of us who are rooting for you, and just wishing we were as good a person as you are. We are all ( I'm taking a liberty here, but I don't think I'm wrong) we are all rooting for you 24/7.
You have always given me strength, so I can now give a little back. But you are not alone. Physically, yes. Mentally, no.

 

[sunray]

A couple of things that have happened lately have shown me I need to learn how to make decisions. Now when Ray was at home, even towards the end of his time here I always felt we made joint decisions. I know that is not so but I would tell him what I intended to do so felt I had discussed it with him. Then as I made decisions on his behalf I did it in consultation with either the doctor, the nursing home staff or some of the family members, I never felt I was doing it alone.

Now I have to make some more decisions, house repairs, financial decisions, maybe replacing the car. Strangely enough I cannot seem to do it, I dither and second guess myself and just keep on putting off making the decision. I have done it for a while now and feel this is stopping me from moving forward. I need to make decisions, get in some tradesmen etc.

What do other widows do I wonder? Some probably are more confident than I am and are okay but what about those like me who are not as confident?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Sue

We too always made joint decisions.

Recently one of my friends praised me for stepping out of my comfort zone. It was over nothing big, just small things like cleaning out the shed and facing the spiders, getting a new fence erected, etc.

It made me realise that during the 4 years Dhiren was in residential care, even though I was living alone, I still felt I had his support.

Now he is no longer here it is up to me. It`s ridiculous logic because it has been up to me for the last 15 years.

 

[rajahh]

We too always made joint decisions.

Recently one of my friends praised me for stepping out of my comfort zone. It was over nothing big, just small things like cleaning out the shed and facing the spiders, getting a new fence erected, etc.

It made me realise that during the 4 years Dhiren was in residential care, even though I was living alone, I still felt I had his support.

Now he is no longer here it is up to me. It`s ridiculous logic because it has been up to me for the last 15 years.

I feel exactly the same. I made the decisions over the last 9 years, even about buying this bungalow and organising the decoration and a new boiler, and any small repairs needed over that time.

It is different now though being totally on your own. I did not realise how different or difficult it would be.

I certainly feel more alone now than I have ever felt in my life.

Jeannette

 

[Saffie]

It is different now though being totally on your own. I did not realise how different or difficult it would be

That's just how I feel Jeanette.
I didn't realise either as you can see by my post above, written before Dave had died.
It's the totallity of it. Dave couldn't have done anything to help but somehow, his just being, was some sort of support. I still had a husband.
I had a certain amount of confidence which has now fallen away.

I understand your logic too, Sylvia, it makes perfect sense to me.

Sue, once again I say how well you have done. I mean, you travelled across the world so that involved some big decisions! That took courage and I doubt I could do it.

Mind you, I really hate having people in to do jobs which is why I've always done so much myself if I can but I'm going to have to start opening up I think if I don't want the house to start to fall apart. So you are not alone in that. Can you ask a friend for recommendations of tradesmen.?

Sorry Spamar, I've only just seen your post so thank you.

 

[sunray]

Just had a visit from my daughter and her family as always great when they are here sad when they are gone. We had a couple of days when we went about with my daughter in law Pam and her three children so it was lovely to have the five cousins together. I love my family and wished they all lived close by but have to deal with them being further and further away as so many widow/widowers do.

I am coping okay with winter, half way through now and still managing. It is more isolated than summer, the wind, the cold and the short days mean not many people in my neighbourhood are out and about and so we lose contact with friends and neighbours. But Spring is only eight weeks away now.

I have been busy with handcrafts and reading and sitting here on the computer. Of course there is still yard work and I was busy this week after days of wind trying to gather up all the twigs and sweeping up the leaf litter. So there is plenty to do.

Really missing Ray as at least we were housebound together. Sometimes the house seems so hollow and empty with just me rattling around in it.

Sue.

 

[sunray]

On day three with a chest infection. One of those times I want to scream: "Who is supposed to be here looking after me?'

 

[sunray]

A friend of mine has the same bug I have just had and her doctor said five days inside and then try going out. I went out today, day six, and coped okay. Mind you I did come home sit down to have a cup of tea and fell asleep! Luckily the cup was on the coffee table or it would have finished up on my lap.

Winter is back colder again as we have snow down south, on the Snowy Mountains and Victorian Alps. There have been record falls this week so the cross country skiiers will love it. Sadly we lost two young men snowboarding who got caught by an avalanche, deaths on our snow fields are rare.

I lost the bad headaches on day four but still have a nasty cough. Moan, moan, whinge, whinge...Bah Humbug.

 

[Saffie]

I hope you feel completely better soon Sue.
It's horrible being ill when your on your own isn't it.
Do you have a pet?
It's just that what really bothers me about living alone is what happens if I'm really ill and can't let someone know to come and look after my dog.

I always fill her bowl up with fresh water before I go to bed so that she will at least have a drink and I have my phone beside me by the bed so that I can press one button and one or other of my daughter can be contacted, depending on which button I land. It's all about the dog though, I'm not bothered about myself!

Your remarks about winter make me dread the onset of next winter. I really hate it more each year. I'd love to hibernate!

Do look after yourself and keep warm. xxx

 

[sunray]

Our second wedding anniversary without Ray. I got a bit teary twice today but that happens. I do acknowledge now that those times of celebration are behind me. There are no Father's Day, birthday, Christmas or anniversary celebrations now for Ray. And for me my birthday, Mothers Day and all other celebrations are the poorer for his passing. But nonetheless I have to put a brave smile on my face and go on.

I drove one of our widows to church today and just as she was getting out at her house she touched me on the arm and said: "You don't seem yourself today, is anything wrong?" and I told her. No word from family members or anyone else. I guess this is another example of :"we'll put it all behind us now" as one of my sons said last year. After 44 years of marriage I think it is hard for me to forget so soon.

 

[Saffie]

I'm sorry Sue.
I can't wish you a happy anniversary because I know it can't be that.
Perhaps, you could look through some photos of the original event and read old letters or something similar.
It won't cheer you up and you will probably cry but it will be a way of reliving the past and bringing Ray closer, just for a little while.
I think this is what I'll do on what would be our 53rd in a fortnight's time.xxx