Getting mum into respite

[Sarahjdh]

Please, any advice for going about getting my mum to respite as my dad can't cope. Mum has no awareness of dad's needs! She wants to go on holiday and move house! We can get a bed, just tricky to get her to agree to go

 

[JoannePat]

Hi @Sarahjdh, I can only give you the advice from experience of putting my mum in respite.

When it was time for my mum to go into respite to give my dad a break I was really nervous about having the conversation. It had got to the point of no going back, we all needed a break.

The way we explained it to her was that SHE needed the break, also, dad had some things that he had to do and couldn't spend the time with her that she needed. My mum was accepting of this, she realised that dad was knackered.

It's not an easy conversation to have, far from it, but the PWD is often more accepting than we realise.

We also didn't leave a phone with her, in case the 45 phone calls a day to me started. When I spoke to CH Manager about how we should leave, she told us to just say "see you later", it worked!

Good luck and please let us know how you get on,

Jxxx

 

[Sarahjdh]

Thank you, its nice to read an experience that went well. I like the idea of saying dad needed to do some things. I think we could yse that idea in terms of house renovation (minor plans but might work if we make them sound more significant).

Has anyone experience of getting DoLs from a GP?

 

[canary]

People with dementia frequently lose the ability to see things from other peoples viewpoint, so describing the respite in terms of how it will benefit them often works and I have found it best not to mention to OH how it will benefit me, not to imply that he cant do things for himself. He seems to think that he can still look after himself, despite not being able to as much as prepare himself a sandwich and has carers coming in to help him wash and dress. So in his mind, I dont need a break, because, what do I do?

I first sold it to him as a nice little break and to be able to get away from a nagging wife!! After that I referred to it as his bolt hole and he seemed quite happy to go back. He has just come back from respite again, but this one really was an emergency as we had a mains water burst in the front garden and there was no water in the house! Its now fixed OK, but I was glad he washappy to go into respite and that wasnt around during the builders fixing it.

 

[Christabella]

Please, any advice for going about getting my mum to respite as my dad can't cope. Mum has no awareness of dad's needs! She wants to go on holiday and move house! We can get a bed, just tricky to get her to agree to go

 

[Christabella]

I'm in the same position with my husband; he's going in for respite tomorrow... I've told him we're having a short break, although I'm not sure it's registered with him at all.

My worry is that I still won't be able to cope with him when the respite is over, and I'm not sure what to do about it......

 

[ShivyDevon]

My worry is that I still won't be able to cope with him when the respite is over, and I'm not sure what to do about it......

Have you contacted adult social services to undertake a needs assessment for your mum and a carers assessment for your dad? This will be a good first step to decide the benchmark for support.

 

[Sarahjdh]

Hi, its the end of June and my parents are still in exactly the same position, though mum has deteriorated yet further. My dad has to make the decision but I am getting to the point now where we've been round in circles so many times I honestly think he must make it soon for all our sakes. He knows that mm won't accept it and be devastated he has abandoned her and will say he doesn't love her anymore. It will be horrendous for us all but there is no choice anymore. What can I say that might help him understand that the indecision is detrimental to us all!? And does anyone have any other advice about how to tell her this is what is happening. I think it may have to be a lie of some sort. He is physically good for 85 so she can't see why he can't do this any more because she has little understanding of her own difficulties. And finally, can anyone recommend a form of some counselling for me to cope better with it all?
Thanks for listening...

 

[sdmhred]

Hi @Sarahjdh

its so tough to go through. Counselling has helped many here. The main advice appears to be to find someone who has experience of dementia so appreciates the struggles we go through. Are you looking for face to face or online?

 

[Sarahjdh]

Either. Just wondered if there was a charity that can support family of pwd as I am not the main carer.

 

[clare77]

Where I live our local carer support charity offers counselling. If not your local GP practice should be able to advise I’d have thought

 

[sdmhred]

Yes, I was going to say that free or discounted counselling tends to be locally organised so you’re best to look in your area.

Some private will also offer discretionary rates. I have a friend that does that but its still quite expensive

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I think it may have to be a lie of some sort. He is physically good for 85 so she can't see why he can't do this any more because she has little understanding of her own difficulties.

Could your dad 'do his back in'? I'm sure he's a good actor... Maybe your mum would be more accepting if you told her, 'The doctor says he needs complete rest for a couple of weeks so...'

You'll need to convince your dad first though! Maybe suggest that unless he has a break he'll make himself ill then he won't be able to care for her at all.

 

[canary]

does anyone have any other advice about how to tell her this is what is happening. I think it may have to be a lie of some sort.

Yes, it will almost certainly have to be a "love lie" because she is unable to understand the truth of her own situation.

I have found that phrasing things so that something is for OHs own benefit works best. Dont use a "reason" that implies that she cant do things - dont say that you cant cope anymore, or that your dad has to go into hospital, or anything like that because she is convinced that she doesnt need any help. She may well say that she can look after your dad herself. I have found that "building works" is best. Its not something that she can do herself and will create a huge amount of disruption, men in and out of the house, dirt and noise. When I told OH that we had a mains water pipe burst in the front garden and people would have to dig 2 ft deep trenches in the front garden (actually true in this case) he was very happy to get away from it all. Maybe the electrics need updating (a new government requirement) or the roof needs fixing (as that also involves ladders and people "looking in").

I guess the problem will be your dad who may well not want to lie to his wife - even if they are love lies and necessary. He at least should be able to understand your problems. Tell him that you need a break too and Im guessing that you need a holiday, so tell him this as well. It can be difficult, though. I reached carer breakdown and my children told me bluntly that they were losing their dad and didnt want to lose me too. It may or may not work with your dad

 

[Sarahjdh]

Thank you for your replies and advice. Having seen them this weekend, dad is sounding much more decisive and mum is somehow getting the idea it is happening soon and she is doing it for his benefit. Fantastic! Just got to get dad to choose between 2 homes and start the process and not rally round and try to keep going. I am a teacher so have said if he makes a decision within a couple of weeks I can go and help him get her there at the beginning of the holidays, and help him not pull her out again! Hopefully this is a further incentive to sort it.

 

[canary]

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