Full of anxiety because of mum

[Kaos012]

Hi, I'm new to this but I feel that I'm in need of some good advice. My mum who's 90, is in a nursing home because she can't walk due to arthritis. She's been there for a few years and likes it. She was diagnosed with unspecified dementia quite a few years ago and up until now has been sort of okay apart from forgetting things, repeating things etc. She's always up for a laugh but recently things have taken a turn for the worse.
My lovely dad passed away 9 years ago and the last couple of weeks she's been asking for him, asking where he is, asking when he died and is getting very upset by this as she can't remember things. She even asked me how she was going to live without him and was crying and very agitated. You can have a lovely conversation for a couple of hours and then she mentions it again. I don't understand it. I then go home after seeing her and feel totally, utterly anxious for the rest of the day, so much so that I don't want to eat, do anything and feel sick with worry. I sit here and imagine her getting upset about my dad and getting confused. The staff are lovely but to be honest with you I don't know how to cope with these sad feelings. I hope someone can help me. How do I not think about her every day and worry? Sorry guys I just find it hard to just get on with stuff. Thanks.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Kaos012 you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

If this is a recent development it's just possible that an infection of some sort, like a UTI is responsible. Maybe this could be checked and, if anything is found, treated as this may roll back the current downturn. When you dad is mentioned the best thing to do is to try to divert the conversation or your mum's attention as she will just continually relive the loss due to her loss of memory.

Beyond this, I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list which covers all aspects of dementia and dementia care. If you are interested in this, clicking the following link will take you there

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[Beate]

Are you telling her the truth about her husband having died? If so, please stop right now. Tell love lies about him having popped out or being at work or whatever might work, then distract. Logic will never work with someone with dementia, and your overall goal has to be to reduce her anxiety. I'm afraid you will have to do it over and over again because she might not remember. She just has a feeling that something isn't right, and where is her husband? Try to stay calm and cheerful because PWDs pick up on moods. Basically, fake it until you make it! Trust me, if it works and makes her calmer, you will feel a lot better too.

This article tells you all about compassionate communication:

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/