I need to let off steam for a moment. Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so how did they deal with it please?
In 2016 my 88-year-old father was diagnosed with vascular dementia. His condition deteriorated to the extent he was violent towards my mother, wandered a lot, and used to urinate/defecate around the house. My elderly mother and sister could not cope with him any more, so had to place him in a nursing home. He has deteriorated further, thankfully no more aggression, but his vocabulary has deteriorated to grunts, yes, no and 'I want to go home'. When we see him at the nursing home, we manage 10 minutes maximum in the morning before the 'I want to go home' pleas start. We have to use therapeutic lies, such as covid 19 is still out there.
Fast forward to today, 2023. In 2022 my 88-year-old mother had a stroke, and my sister and I have had to care for her, hoping she would regain some mobility and cognitive function. It looks as if she is declining and dementia has set in. She needs assistance with mobility, transfers etc. She can't cook for herself, clothe herself, do her washing, bathe without prompting, take her medication, is incontinent, and is verbally aggressive toward my sister and me who care for her. It has been exhausting for both my sister and I who do all her activities, food shopping, medical appointments etc.
Mum is now fixated that her husband can return to the family home, from his nursing home, and all will be well. I feel it's to meet her loneliness. She said she would organise a taxi to and from the nursing home and Dad would be collected in the afternoon. I think she has fixated on Dad is able to cognitively function, as he was years ago, before dementia kicked in.
My anxiety is around being reeled in to care for them both. It's exhausting enough with just one 88-year-old with dementia. Two people who can't do the basic activities of life (toileting, cooking, walking etc.) and expecting my sister and I to do it. To jump on command as Mum has been doing like a mini dictator is too much. My sister and I do not want to do this.
Throughout my childhood, it has always been Mum's way or no way. No negotiation. I have had to placate her and say if she wants it to happen, she has to organise it. I'm not her taxi driver, or maid, and neither is my sister. If she is adamant Dad returns, and she can care for him. My sister and I will take the day off.
In 2016 my 88-year-old father was diagnosed with vascular dementia. His condition deteriorated to the extent he was violent towards my mother, wandered a lot, and used to urinate/defecate around the house. My elderly mother and sister could not cope with him any more, so had to place him in a nursing home. He has deteriorated further, thankfully no more aggression, but his vocabulary has deteriorated to grunts, yes, no and 'I want to go home'. When we see him at the nursing home, we manage 10 minutes maximum in the morning before the 'I want to go home' pleas start. We have to use therapeutic lies, such as covid 19 is still out there.
Fast forward to today, 2023. In 2022 my 88-year-old mother had a stroke, and my sister and I have had to care for her, hoping she would regain some mobility and cognitive function. It looks as if she is declining and dementia has set in. She needs assistance with mobility, transfers etc. She can't cook for herself, clothe herself, do her washing, bathe without prompting, take her medication, is incontinent, and is verbally aggressive toward my sister and me who care for her. It has been exhausting for both my sister and I who do all her activities, food shopping, medical appointments etc.
Mum is now fixated that her husband can return to the family home, from his nursing home, and all will be well. I feel it's to meet her loneliness. She said she would organise a taxi to and from the nursing home and Dad would be collected in the afternoon. I think she has fixated on Dad is able to cognitively function, as he was years ago, before dementia kicked in.
My anxiety is around being reeled in to care for them both. It's exhausting enough with just one 88-year-old with dementia. Two people who can't do the basic activities of life (toileting, cooking, walking etc.) and expecting my sister and I to do it. To jump on command as Mum has been doing like a mini dictator is too much. My sister and I do not want to do this.
Throughout my childhood, it has always been Mum's way or no way. No negotiation. I have had to placate her and say if she wants it to happen, she has to organise it. I'm not her taxi driver, or maid, and neither is my sister. If she is adamant Dad returns, and she can care for him. My sister and I will take the day off.
