from hospital to carehome, not sure what to expect

[Amy in the US]

That's a great suggestion by @DeMartin thst I forgot to mention.

Sorting instead of clearing could be a compromise! Also, cleaning could be an outlet for your sister. She can come and deep clean my house if she needs some distraction!

I forgot to say that, YES, you should keep more clothes and shoes and so on, than you think you need, even if there is eventually a permanent placement in care.

It was trial and error, and still is over three years after going into the care home, about what my mother would need. A lot of clothing wasn't suitable (dressy clothes from 40 years ago) but all the practical bits you should hold onto. For example, my mother will only wear one type of shoe and had bought multiple pairs. I have the extras st my house in case she loses one or they need to be replaced. You can't have enough nightgowns, in my experience. And so on.

My mother has also gained and lost and gained weight with various ailments and so having access to things that fit, has been helpful.

If your sister could sort everything out it could actually be quite helpful. And then send her my direction!

 

[love.dad.but..]

It was 6 months after dad went into his NH that I felt ready and he was settled enough to sort through his clothes and not until I sold his house 18 mths later that I and 2 sisters sorted and cleared mum's who had died 3 years before that. Dad died 10 months ago and I still have all his personal things in my spare room although I finalised his affairs months ago. There is no rush your mum has only just gone into care other than practical house stuff like clearing fridge...giving a clean...keeping the house secure...but unlike your sister my 2 sisters didnt want to get involved I had to keep pestering them when the time was right. Her personal things you should both go through together I feel.For me mentally with everything going on it would have been far too soon. I hope
things in all directions calm down for you and be firm if you have to

 

[jen54]

I have said to leave mums stuff in her bedroom alone,as that is fine where it is,not actually that much in her bedroom..
I think I cant bear hearing terms like "rummaging" and chucking out mums stuff , so soon
I kniw she is probably distracting herself as a way to cope

 

[DeMartin]

There is a need to do something.
Maybe start in the kitchen, pots pans, all have to be listed, washed, packed in paper ready for donation.
I can’t totally explain, but it’s a coping mechanism some people have to move forward, be doing something, “helping” in their own way.

 

[Kale-and-mash]

I have said to leave mums stuff in her bedroom alone,as that is fine where it is,not actually that much in her bedroom..
I think I cant bear hearing terms like "rummaging" and chucking out mums stuff , so soon
I kniw she is probably distracting herself as a way to cope

Yes, maybe your sister feels restless and/or unhappy and sorting is her way of coping. It would be great if she could be persuaded to sort/clear out things that you both agree on can be sorted/cleared - not things which may be necessary later on and things of sentimental value to your mum and to you both. Sorting things into boxes and labelling them, but not throwing them away could be a compromise for you both perhaps?

Your poor mum with pneumonia! That will not help her settle in, but I hope she will feel better soon. Hopefully the staff will soon get to know her likes and dislikes - especially regarding food and drink, as eating and drinking things she likes will hopefully help to make her feel more content.

My mum's mood and dementia is always worse when she has an infection or other physical ailment like constipation, so you may find your mum is more content and settled when her pneumonia has cleared up. It was positive that she had met a lady in the home who she felt she liked. Hopefully they can become friends when your mum is feeling better and can move about.

My mum has lived in a care home for nearly a year and her mood varies. Sometimes she is upset and wants to leave - which is distressing for her and us of course, and at other times she is happy and joins in with activities with enthusiasm.

I wish you and your family best of luck and strength,
Kale-and-mash

 

[jen54]

Sister still manically putting stuff in piles,bags ..though she has said nothing personal..mm, but all the same,I don't feel up to checking through bags,as sister has suggested..

Anyway,visited mum today, she was in dining room,with a cuppa..moaning it was awful tea..on a small table with three other residents, she had eaten, and to my surprise..had had a shower and hairwash and had enjoyed it, her nails had been cut and filed too
I queried the lack of clothes in her drawer s,but was told they had probably been taken to wash..mmm..
But at least they are labeled.her throw had gone too..we will see.
I left the life booklet with them and explained what food she likes..think we had spoilt her over the years as we catered for her taste completely.
So she had toast this morning as she hadn't eaten the porridge..which is good,carers taking notice and trying something different.
No cough today..so not sure what district nurse meant..it was my sister who went yesterday,and sent me the text.
Unfortunately an elderly lady kicked off mid visit and was waving her stick around threatening to take carers on and yelling for the police to get her out...her visitor had just left,and she had seemed happy..
Mum was happy dozing with the others in the dining room,so I left..no fuss..i remembered to leave my coat in car,and as I had popped in and out with forms she seemed happy when I went
Then I got accosted by another woman saying she was lost..so led her to her room..lucky I had heard them say her name..then she wanted me to pull her curtains..
Must be quite a job working with dementia..as I ended up reassuring her her relatives were on the way..in fact they had just left..but she had forgotten.
I just hope the other residents don't set mum off, but so far so good. She did ask how she had come to this..and then on about all the elderly and no wonder over populated..lol

 

[love.dad.but..]

As dementia things go...that sounds quite a positive day so hope it continues that way for you all. Sister...well you can only say what you feel and maybe she will run out of steam and the urge to sort in the near future then you can when you feel recharged go through stuff together. At dad's NH laundry was generally taken every day and replaced clean either the same day or following morning. I found as he declined and his incontinence gathered pace sometimes he changed trousers 2 or 3 times a day so at that stage made sure he always had enough complete set of clothes to take that into account.

 

[jen54]

Yes, thankyou..its hard to know how often she is changed ,used to her wearing clothes for a good few days
I will go shopping and get some more nighties I think

 

[Amy in the US]

Ask your sister if she's found any nighties!

Sorry if the humour is misplaced, but couldn't resist.

How are you doing?

 

[jen54]

Ask your sister if she's found any nighties!

Sorry if the humour is misplaced, but couldn't resist.

How are you doing?

Lol..yup, that was my worry as sis said she was going to clear out mums bed drawers..unfortunately mum would never wear a nightie..only slips..which are in practical as so slippy.. and make it difficult for her to sit up in bed,
I am off to buy sone more nighties..the one she has is one I got her two years ago..never worn,very pretty and button through..i would wear it..she doesn't think she is old,so wont wear old peoples clothes..lol. That's my worry,that sis will throw out stuff she may wear now,even though she wouldnt a year or so back.as sis is the same..scoffed at the old persons slippers I got mum two years ago..but mum is now wearing them,they were still in bag in wardrobe,never worn.. Mum is now wearing them in carehome..they also are nice,and not what I call for old people ..

 

[canary]

Its surprising how they take to things though.
Mum never used to wear anything in bed - or only a slip type nightie if there was company!
Once she moved into her care home, though, she loved her brushed cotton PJs
I would never have believed it

 

[Kikki21]

I must admit that my mum is also a dementia hoarder & probably has stuff in her cupboards that needs throwing out going back god knows how many years.
She has no kitchen work top space whatsoever so I feel a sort out is definitely needed.
There are papers & cards all over that I am itching to just go through.

She has not let anyone throw anything out, you have to do it by stealth so maybe your sister sees it as an opportunity to clear stuff out because your mum wouldn’t let you do it otherwise.

My mum has stuff over a few wardrobes that would fit into just her bedroom so not sure why she has done that, another dementia thing.
She still has loads of material, cotton threads, buttons & god knows what else in her sewing room as she used to dress make for people. It all needs to go as she has not sewn anything for ages.

As for discharging people that are still unwell, it doesn’t surprise me at all. They did that to my mum the first time round. I can see an increase in people sueing the NHS for medical negligence for sure. I hope your mum feels better soon & settles in well.

 

[DeMartin]

Lol..yup, that was my worry as sis said she was going to clear out mums bed drawers..unfortunately mum would never wear a nightie..only slips..which are in practical as so slippy.. and make it difficult for her to sit up in bed,
I am off to buy sone more nighties..the one she has is one I got her two years ago..never worn,very pretty and button through..i would wear it..she doesn't think she is old,so wont wear old peoples clothes..lol. That's my worry,that sis will throw out stuff she may wear now,even though she wouldnt a year or so back.as sis is the same..scoffed at the old persons slippers I got mum two years ago..but mum is now wearing them,they were still in bag in wardrobe,never worn.. Mum is now wearing them in carehome..they also are nice,and not what I call for old people ..

Try a tee shirt type nighty, nice modern pattern, after all it’s only for modesty if she gets up.

 

[Amy in the US]

My mother loves the soft cotton nighties, she's more sensitive to how things feel since dementia. I get her the ones from Lands End online (on sale!) as they are very soft and don't have buttons or seams that bother her. They stand up well to the industrial washers and dryers st the care home. I get all her trousers there, too.

Reading what Kikki said, I can see my own reaction when my mother was in hospital. My mother was a dementia hoarder and I wasn't even permitted into most of the rooms, so I actually had no idea how bad it was until I saw it when we went to get her clothes. My immediate reaction, not at all considered, was to start cleaning. But there's history for that. My husband's reaction was to be appalled that I would disturb my mother's things and said we should leave it all for her as it was for when she came home. So maybe this is a not uncommon reaction?

If your sister objects to something like the slippers or a nightie that you take for your mum, you could just say to her, that's it's just for now until you sort something else out.

When my mother first went into her care home and was more aware, she would often reject "new" things that I brought her. I learned to bring them in and say that it had been in the laundry, or I mistakenly had taken it to my house, and then I'd just put it in her wardrobe and she'd wear it. If I showed it to her, she would reject it. So you might try that if you meet with any resistance.

 

[Kikki21]

My mother loves the soft cotton nighties, she's more sensitive to how things feel since dementia. I get her the ones from Lands End online (on sale!) as they are very soft and don't have buttons or seams that bother her. They stand up well to the industrial washers and dryers st the care home. I get all her trousers there, too.

Reading what Kikki said, I can see my own reaction when my mother was in hospital. My mother was a dementia hoarder and I wasn't even permitted into most of the rooms, so I actually had no idea how bad it was until I saw it when we went to get her clothes. My immediate reaction, not at all considered, was to start cleaning. But there's history for that. My husband's reaction was to be appalled that I would disturb my mother's things and said we should leave it all for her as it was for when she came home. So maybe this is a not uncommon reaction?

If your sister objects to something like the slippers or a nightie that you take for your mum, you could just say to her, that's it's just for now until you sort something else out.

When my mother first went into her care home and was more aware, she would often reject "new" things that I brought her. I learned to bring them in and say that it had been in the laundry, or I mistakenly had taken it to my house, and then I'd just put it in her wardrobe and she'd wear it. If I showed it to her, she would reject it. So you might try that if you meet with any resistance.

I didn’t even realise the reaction to “ New” things existed until I gave my mum a new jumper for Christmas because she didn’t recognise it, she said it wasn’t hers!
We had to tell her a few times that yes it was hers & that it was a present & she was very happy with it.
My mum was very attached to a poncho type blanket I got her for her birthday which is nice to see. I think I will have to get her some heated slippers next as she complains that her feet are cold.

 

[Amy in the US]

Kikki, I didn't know there was such a thing as heated slippers! I need some of those!

Would your mum accept warmer socks? I find wool is much warmer than cotton and there are brands that aren't itchy. My mum is always, always cold now.

I also only found out about the "new, not mine" reaction with dementia when we moved my mother into the care home. I got her new towels, lovely new ones, as her towels at home were older than I was and not even fit for rags. I don't know what she had done with all the other towels, thrown them out, I suppose, like a lot of other things. It was an unbelievable battle to get her to accept the new towels. Unbelievable.

Jen, sorry, we are not meaning to hijack your thread. How are things today?

 

[DollyBird16]

I didn’t even realise the reaction to “ New” things existed until I gave my mum a new jumper for Christmas because she didn’t recognise it, she said it wasn’t hers!
We had to tell her a few times that yes it was hers & that it was a present & she was very happy with it.
My mum was very attached to a poncho type blanket I got her for her birthday which is nice to see. I think I will have to get her some heated slippers next as she complains that her feet are cold.

Slippers try Just Sheepskin ladies classic, not cheap nevertheless oh so warm and good grip sole.
Then add a pair to your wish list. X

 

[Kikki21]

Slippers try Just Sheepskin ladies classic, not cheap nevertheless oh so warm and good grip sole.
Then add a pair to your wish list. X

Thank you - only my mum’s feet are tiny child size 12/13!
@jen54 - I hope you got the nighties for your mum & that she is feeling better.

 

[jen54]

Thank you - only my mum’s feet are tiny child size 12/13!
@jen54 - I hope you got the nighties for your mum & that she is feeling better.

Hoping all is ok, I visited Thurs, and sister went Friday..
She said mum seemed not as bad as the others on her floor..though mum did say she was worried about dad...the first time she has done that,dads been dead four years.
I bought a simple nighty..but I will look online as posted here
And I will look through mums drawers again tomorrow before I visit,to see if there are some more slips etc I can take in...i carry labels and cotton etc now, so I can quickly our a label it two in anything I see to take in.
Of course mum asked when she could leave.
I have gained so much support from reading the posts about care homes etc.
Next is filling in this attendance allowance form
I dont feel I can do it without asking the carehome..how do I know if mum is now incontinent..she is in nappies..but she wasn't incontinent before
And how do I know the number of times she needs help to the toilet..the night time toilet questions even ask how many minutes..
Wierd..she needs help every time she goes...would carers note every time she goes
I am going to ring age UK for help Monday..
As I am a tad confused, I take it I put her home address on the front page where it asks for her address not the carehome..as it asks later if she is in a carehome etc. Scared to out down wrong info..have visions of putting that she cant do something.her bring assessed and proving me wrong.
I am going to put her Dr. as doing a simple memory test..and wondering if the hospital sw should be put down as so someone else

 

[jen54]

Visiting is a but surreal, yesterday I was bring asked why I had changed out of my bridesmaid clothes, by a nice lady who seemed more alert than mum..
Mum was saying about the mountains again, amid her usual questions about how we were doing,she asked where we had gone earlier, she was also wearing a very nice..but not hers..skirt, some of her clothes were back, I am taking it they need washing more. Her chair had no seat today and sheets in the bathroom,so I think she had had an accident.
Carer said they were worried as mum wasn't eating it drinking much. I am hoping they can tempt her with things she likes,I did write a list of things down.
Sadly mum is very fussy,still saying the tea is undrinkable,and the squash too weak..
The same lady as last time kicked off again. She had been nice as anything until her visitors left, so I am aware visiting mum too much may unsettle her.
Hopefully getting things sorted, bank today, next I need to get her council tax exempt, once I get this aa form filled in. The notes don't help at all with the bits I am stuck on..i ticked I am poa but do I also tick the box saying I wish to be appointed to look after her benefits.above where I out my name and details in...lord knows