Flabergasted- but should I be? Just a rant cause I can’t sleep

[Xhanlbxx]

I have no time for extravagant displays of grief by people who showed little or no interest in the person when s/he was alive. How you behaved towards the person when s/he was alive is the important thing.

100 percent agree with this , being in the experience of a carer you see the highs but you also see very low lows - that time you experienced with your loved one is what is important

 

[Weasell]

Mum’s cremation today. Everything was going fine until yesterday. Mums 2 elderly sisters supportive of arrangement for direct cremation, my two sons supportive of not holding a formal funeral service but to spread mums ashes with my Dads who passed 8 years ago in their special place. All mums good friends and neighbours accepted this except one who has given me a hard time about her not being able to pay her last respects to Mum.
Mum didn’t want any fuss only to have her ashes spread with Dads, which I will of course do with my two sons and wife.
In Mums 3 years in the care home this friend visited her once. I’ve kept her updated on Mums decline and made it clear time was running out for many months. Now she has thrown her toys out of her pram because she can’t see Mum now she dead at the funeral home, (the coffin is closed and would not be opened unless I attended and I said my last goodbye when Mum died),, and even worse asked for some of her ashes so she can spread them with my Dads.
i feel very hurt by her actions but have kept calm and not reacted. I’m also pretty angry she is saying she was such a dear friend of Mum but she and her husband didn’t go again to see Mum when she was alive and declining but want to now she’s dead.
Sorry to rant, needed to do it, thanks for reading.
I realise this friend has their own grief to deal with so have not told her what I really think and invited her to think of Mum today at the time of the cremation the same as Mums family and friends.
Take care all, sending you all strength to help with your own grief and loss xx

It may be that the friend has early stage dementia themselves?

How many of us look back to when a family member was acting weirdly, and with the benefit of hindsight say ‘ of course’ ?

 

[MaNaAk]

Thank you Northumbrian K. Wise words, it is sadly, as you say, a bit of self preservation at this time. I’ve buried two wives and my Dad and never come across this before, perhaps that contributes to why I’m so knocked about by this ladies behaviour .
Walking the dog this morning thinking about Mum, I really don’t think I could have done another agonising funeral without my mum at my side.

Dear @RosiesMark,

Please ignore this friend put yourself first. You did your best for your mum and she would have been proud of you. You need to try and relax now and take things slowly.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Jale]

I admire you RosiesMark for keeping your cool I wouldn't have been so polite. I think the friend has an awful lot of guilt for not visiting your Mum when she was able, I would have told her to take a hike.

You have done what your Mum wanted and that is the most important thing. I hope everything has gone well.

Be kind to yourself and take care and remember
Those that matter, don't mind
Those that mind, don't matter.

 

[RosiesMark]

Hope all goes well for you today and you have some peace and reflection for your precious mum.

I never thought I would be someone who cuts people off, but dementia has led me to walk away for self preservation. You have enough to deal with without other peoples emotions to manage. They are theirs to handle and we have a choice in whose lives we choose to get involved in - or not.

Thank you sdmhred
My wife and I took the dog for a walk in the forest, stopped at 11 and spent some quality time in the peace and quiet remembering Mum. Very emotional time, but exactly the right way for us to celebrate her life. Walking back to the car I was content I had carried out Mums wishes thus far.
Sorry you have had to deal with difficult people as well, very sad there are those that are unable to put themselves in the shoes of others.

 

[RosiesMark]

There always seems to be one that gains a huge amount of self importance when the loved one passes away ( usually the invisible one who did not support through all the hard times ).

Myself and my mother are going through a similar situation and all I can say is look after yourself and do what is right for your family as you were the one who was there all through the illness , this is what is meaningful !

Thoughts are with you today xx

Thank you for your support Xhanlbxx really appreciate your kind thoughts
Really sad you and your Mother are also having to deal with a difficult situation. I hope you are both getting through this really difficult time as well as can be expected. As you say it is easy for those on the outside looking in to pitch in with unwarranted, uneducated and unhelpful comments.
take care and wish you both all the best xx

 

[RosiesMark]

Dear @RosiesMark,

Please ignore this friend put yourself first. You did your best for your mum and she would have been proud of you. You need to try and relax now and take things slowly.

Hugs

MaNaAk

Hello MaNaAk
Many thanks for your support and kind words. I hope Mum is pleased with everything I’ve done for her during my life. She was a wonderful Mum and my Dad was equally great so I have been blessed in life.
I do feel more relaxed now the cremation has taken place and can reflect now with a clearer head and in a more balance, less self critical way.
Take care x

 

[RosiesMark]

I admire you RosiesMark for keeping your cool I wouldn't have been so polite. I think the friend has an awful lot of guilt for not visiting your Mum when she was able, I would have told her to take a hike.

You have done what your Mum wanted and that is the most important thing. I hope everything has gone well.

Be kind to yourself and take care and remember
Those that matter, don't mind
Those that mind, don't matter.

Hi Jale
Many thanks for your kind words and support. Everything has gone to plan and it is a great relief this part of the journey is over. I really don’t think I could have done another (4th) full blown funeral service, today’s simple arrangements took enough of a toll. Bless Mum, she had witnessed first hand, and supported me through, 2 funerals for my wives and then my Dads funeral which took a huge toll on her as well, and decided not to put me through another really stressful time.
I will try to remember your wise words

 

[RosiesMark]

It may be that the friend has early stage dementia themselves?

How many of us look back to when a family member was acting weirdly, and with the benefit of hindsight say ‘ of course’ ?

Very true Weasell, such bizarre behaviour could be down to some sort of onset of illness. I hope not having seen Mum go through this horrible disease, wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

 

[Lawson58]

I’ve never heard of anyone asking for some of a mother’s ashes, just shocked

We had a family situation where the eldest daughter wanted to have some of her father’s ashes. Not unusual except that the girl had a fraught relationship with her dad and when she travelled over to see her dad, visited him once. Never called, no interest for years. Then became a pesky pain in the butt over the will and where to spread the ashes and on and on it went.

She flew over for the funeral but never stayed for morning tea afterwards because she said it was too hard. Her younger brother who was there for his dad through his illness finally told her quite bluntly to take a hike and don’t bother them again.

There has been no contact since, much to the family relief.

 

[RosiesMark]

We had a family situation where the eldest daughter wanted to have some of her father’s ashes. Not unusual except that the girl had a fraught relationship with her dad and when she travelled over to see her dad, visited him once. Never called, no interest for years. Then became a pesky pain in the butt over the will and where to spread the ashes and on and on it went.

She flew over for the funeral but never stayed for morning tea afterwards because she said it was too hard. Her younger brother who was there for his dad through his illness finally told her quite bluntly to take a hike and don’t bother them again.

There has been no contact since, much to the family relief.

Sounds a nightmare situation which sadly took blunt action to resolve. A horrible time for everyone involved. The Will is a common point of contention with some feeling they have a right to something.

In my case the lady asking for some of mums ashes was a friend rather than a family member. If Mums sisters had asked for some of her ashes I would have understood except Mum wants her ashes spread with my Dad.

 

[MaNaAk]

Sounds a nightmare situation which sadly took blunt action to resolve. A horrible time for everyone involved. The Will is a common point of contention with some feeling they have a right to something.

In my case the lady asking for some of mums ashes was a friend rather than a family member. If Mums sisters had asked for some of her ashes I would have understood except Mum wants her ashes spread with my Dad.

You have to do what your mum would have wanted @RosiesMark. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

MaNaAk

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @RosiesMark

I suspect the motive behind this person’s feelings is guilt. The mental conversation would be along the lines of “I was a close friend of X how dare they not allow me to express my grief in the normal way at a funeral service. Oh wait a minute only one visit to the care home in several years”. Does not compute, now I feel guilty which is not on so start to emotionally lash out.

Put simply this individual was just largely another invisible, turned drama specialist. God forbid I am wrong and they are showing the early signs of Dementia in their inconsistent behaviour. Possible but I think my does not compute explanation is more likely.

You know what your loved one wanted. Why would you break her wishes to accommodate this one individual. You most likely will not get any Christmas card in future, if you ever did, but I imagine you will some how get over that loss. You did the right thing. Best wishes with your future.

 

[RosiesMark]

You have to do what your mum would have wanted @RosiesMark. You shouldn't have to deal with this.

MaNaAk

Thank you
Yes i will be carrying out Mums wishes with my wife and two sons. Sadly mums last remaining two sisters live too far away and are too frail to make such a trip, but they accept this.

 

[MaNaAk]

Thinking of you.

Hugs

MaNaAk

 

[Jude48]

Mum’s cremation today. Everything was going fine until yesterday. Mums 2 elderly sisters supportive of arrangement for direct cremation, my two sons supportive of not holding a formal funeral service but to spread mums ashes with my Dads who passed 8 years ago in their special place. All mums good friends and neighbours accepted this except one who has given me a hard time about her not being able to pay her last respects to Mum.
Mum didn’t want any fuss only to have her ashes spread with Dads, which I will of course do with my two sons and wife.
In Mums 3 years in the care home this friend visited her once. I’ve kept her updated on Mums decline and made it clear time was running out for many months. Now she has thrown her toys out of her pram because she can’t see Mum now she dead at the funeral home, (the coffin is closed and would not be opened unless I attended and I said my last goodbye when Mum died),, and even worse asked for some of her ashes so she can spread them with my Dads.
i feel very hurt by her actions but have kept calm and not reacted. I’m also pretty angry she is saying she was such a dear friend of Mum but she and her husband didn’t go again to see Mum when she was alive and declining but want to now she’s dead.
Sorry to rant, needed to do it, thanks for reading.
I realise this friend has their own grief to deal with so have not told her what I really think and invited her to think of Mum today at the time of the cremation the same as Mums family and friends.
Take care all, sending you all strength to help with your own grief and loss xx

You have done well to keep so calm. Once the funeral is over just cut this person out of your life there are others much nicer

 

[RosiesMark]

You have done well to keep so calm. Once the funeral is over just cut this person out of your life there are others much nicer

Hi Jude48
Thanks for your kind thoughts
Two days on from cremation and not heard a word from the friend so long may it continue. Half expecting her to ask to join in with the family scattering Mums ashes but I hope she doesn’.t
When my Dad passed away we bought a memorial bench and put an inscription on it, so now in process of trying to get that revised to include Mum.
Take care

 

[RosiesMark]

Dear @RosiesMark

I suspect the motive behind this person’s feelings is guilt. The mental conversation would be along the lines of “I was a close friend of X how dare they not allow me to express my grief in the normal way at a funeral service. Oh wait a minute only one visit to the care home in several years”. Does not compute, now I feel guilty which is not on so start to emotionally lash out.

Put simply this individual was just largely another invisible, turned drama specialist. God forbid I am wrong and they are showing the early signs of Dementia in their inconsistent behaviour. Possible but I think my does not compute explanation is more likely.

You know what your loved one wanted. Why would you break her wishes to accommodate this one individual. You most likely will not get any Christmas card in future, if you ever did, but I imagine you will some how get over that loss. You did the right thing. Best wishes with your future.

Dear Whisperer
Thank you for your support and kind thoughts.
Im with you on this suspected early onset of some sort of dementia, I hope it isn’t but it is a possibility sadly.
Before telling this lady the type of funeral Mum had requested I had told her the date and place and she had apologised saying they had prior commitments and time would not allow them to attend which I understood. Then after that she started going funny about things. Bizarre behaviour.
Take care and all the best