Flabergasted- but should I be? Just a rant cause I can’t sleep

[RosiesMark]

Mum’s cremation today. Everything was going fine until yesterday. Mums 2 elderly sisters supportive of arrangement for direct cremation, my two sons supportive of not holding a formal funeral service but to spread mums ashes with my Dads who passed 8 years ago in their special place. All mums good friends and neighbours accepted this except one who has given me a hard time about her not being able to pay her last respects to Mum.
Mum didn’t want any fuss only to have her ashes spread with Dads, which I will of course do with my two sons and wife.
In Mums 3 years in the care home this friend visited her once. I’ve kept her updated on Mums decline and made it clear time was running out for many months. Now she has thrown her toys out of her pram because she can’t see Mum now she dead at the funeral home, (the coffin is closed and would not be opened unless I attended and I said my last goodbye when Mum died),, and even worse asked for some of her ashes so she can spread them with my Dads.
i feel very hurt by her actions but have kept calm and not reacted. I’m also pretty angry she is saying she was such a dear friend of Mum but she and her husband didn’t go again to see Mum when she was alive and declining but want to now she’s dead.
Sorry to rant, needed to do it, thanks for reading.
I realise this friend has their own grief to deal with so have not told her what I really think and invited her to think of Mum today at the time of the cremation the same as Mums family and friends.
Take care all, sending you all strength to help with your own grief and loss xx

 

[Grannie G]

So called friends don`t make it any easier for mourners, do they @RosiesMark Well done for keeping calm. I doubt I would have been able to.

I hope you managed some sleep and all will go as well as it can today.

 

[RosiesMark]

Thanks Sylvia for reading and replying to my post
Got a couple of hours sleep thanks, really helped to put my whirling thoughts down on paper to get them out of my head
Take care x

 

[canary]

I hope today goes as well for you as it can @RosiesMark

All mums good friends and neighbours accepted this except one who has given me a hard time about her not being able to pay her last respects to Mum.

Theres always one, isnt there?
It sounds to me as though you gave a dignified reply. I would have been very upset and annoyed. Try and put this so called friend out of your mind.
x

 

[RosiesMark]

I hope today goes as well for you as it can @RosiesMark


Theres always one, isnt there?
It sounds to me as though you gave a dignified reply. I would have been very upset and annoyed. Try and put this so called friend out of your mind.
x

Thanks Canary
i will try, I know my emotions are still pretty raw and it has cut deep but I must put it to one side today at least and concentrate on Mum.
x

 

[Violet Jane]

This friend has absolutely no right to make demands of this nature. She's feeling guilty but that's something for her to work through. She's too late. This happens quite a lot. I had a variation of this with both my siblings and it was very annoying.

 

[SAP]

@RosiesMark , some people just have an over inflated sense of self importance. Yes they are probably grieving but they don’t seem to have given any consideration to you and your family’s grief. That is just selfishness. You did the right thing by your lovely mum and frankly you never need to talk with this person again ( try it, it’s very liberating, I had to do it with my sibling but that’s a story for another time) I hope today is more gentle with you. 💗

 

[RosiesMark]

This friend has absolutely no right to make demands of this nature. She's feeling guilty but that's something for her to work through. She's too late. This happens quite a lot. I had a variation of this with both my siblings and it was very annoying.

Thank you for your support VIolet Jane, really appreciated
im so sorry you have had to also endure this type of thing, it’s bad enough from a ‘friend‘ let alone your own siblings. As you say she has her own guilt to come to terms with and possibly I’m getting the backlash
Take care x

 

[RosiesMark]

@RosiesMark , some people just have an over inflated sense of self importance. Yes they are probably grieving but they don’t seem to have given any consideration to you and your family’s grief. That is just selfishness. You did the right thing by your lovely mum and frankly you never need to talk with this person again ( try it, it’s very liberating, I had to do it with my sibling but that’s a story for another time) I hope today is more gentle with you. 💗

Hi Sap
many thanks for your support which really helps, today of all days, gratefully received
I think this lady has sadly burnt her bridges, she has dishonoured my Mums friendship by her words. She even had a pop at the funeral home, a wonderful small compassionate family run business for not opening up specially for her on Sunday to let her see Mum.
So sorry you have had to deal with this situation as well, especially siblings, must have been a torrid hurtful time for you
Take care x

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @RosiesMark I am sorry that this so-called 'friend' has caused you additional and totally unnecessary upset. It really is a private matter for you and they have no right to expect anything. Put your own needs first and do what is right for you in memory of your Mum. Then put aside anyone who can only bring negativity and hurt.

 

[canary]

She even had a pop at the funeral home, a wonderful small compassionate family run business for not opening up specially for her on Sunday to let her see Mum.

Good grief, Im flabbergasted too!
Is there no end to this "friends" self obsession?

 

[silkiest]

Hi @RosiesMark, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I wonder if she is aggrieved at missing out on a social occasion. She was probably looking forward to an outing lol, as mum and dad aged and were rarely going out they seemed to take a lot of pleasure in going to funerals and meeting friends and relatives. Mum has been a bit of a hoarder in the last few years and a couple of weeks ago I came across a bulging carrier bag full of "order of service' leaflets for loads of funerals - many with names I didn't recognise.

 

[GillP]

Honestly, I am shocked at the audacity of the ‘friend’! At this time you need support. I think your dignified approach is impressive.

Try not to let her get to you as this time is stressful enough. Thinking of you and your family x

 

[RosiesMark]

Hi @RosiesMark I am sorry that this so-called 'friend' has caused you additional and totally unnecessary upset. It really is a private matter for you and they have no right to expect anything. Put your own needs first and do what is right for you in memory of your Mum. Then put aside anyone who can only bring negativity and hurt.

Thank you Northumbrian K. Wise words, it is sadly, as you say, a bit of self preservation at this time. I’ve buried two wives and my Dad and never come across this before, perhaps that contributes to why I’m so knocked about by this ladies behaviour .
Walking the dog this morning thinking about Mum, I really don’t think I could have done another agonising funeral without my mum at my side.

 

[RosiesMark]

Hi @RosiesMark, so sorry to hear of your troubles. I wonder if she is aggrieved at missing out on a social occasion. She was probably looking forward to an outing lol, as mum and dad aged and were rarely going out they seemed to take a lot of pleasure in going to funerals and meeting friends and relatives. Mum has been a bit of a hoarder in the last few years and a couple of weeks ago I came across a bulging carrier bag full of "order of service' leaflets for loads of funerals - many with names I didn't recognise.

Hi Silkiest
Many thanks for your support at this difficult time, made more difficult by one person. I don’t think I’m being too sensitive about her comments and all the support from you guys reinforces that.

 

[RosiesMark]

Honestly, I am shocked at the audacity of the ‘friend’! At this time you need support. I think your dignified approach is impressive.

Try not to let her get to you as this time is stressful enough. Thinking of you and your family x

Many thanks GillP for you kind thoughts, very much appreciate.
Mum was such a lovely lady, this person creating the grief was very, very lucky to have had Mum as a friend. She could have continued to have as a friend and link to Mum but that is not palatable now.

 

[RosiesMark]

Good grief, Im flabbergasted too!
Is there no end to this "friends" self obsession?

I’ve never heard of anyone asking for some of a mother’s ashes, just shocked

 

[sdmhred]

Hope all goes well for you today and you have some peace and reflection for your precious mum.

I never thought I would be someone who cuts people off, but dementia has led me to walk away for self preservation. You have enough to deal with without other peoples emotions to manage. They are theirs to handle and we have a choice in whose lives we choose to get involved in - or not.

 

[Xhanlbxx]

Mum’s cremation today. Everything was going fine until yesterday. Mums 2 elderly sisters supportive of arrangement for direct cremation, my two sons supportive of not holding a formal funeral service but to spread mums ashes with my Dads who passed 8 years ago in their special place. All mums good friends and neighbours accepted this except one who has given me a hard time about her not being able to pay her last respects to Mum.
Mum didn’t want any fuss only to have her ashes spread with Dads, which I will of course do with my two sons and wife.
In Mums 3 years in the care home this friend visited her once. I’ve kept her updated on Mums decline and made it clear time was running out for many months. Now she has thrown her toys out of her pram because she can’t see Mum now she dead at the funeral home, (the coffin is closed and would not be opened unless I attended and I said my last goodbye when Mum died),, and even worse asked for some of her ashes so she can spread them with my Dads.
i feel very hurt by her actions but have kept calm and not reacted. I’m also pretty angry she is saying she was such a dear friend of Mum but she and her husband didn’t go again to see Mum when she was alive and declining but want to now she’s dead.
Sorry to rant, needed to do it, thanks for reading.
I realise this friend has their own grief to deal with so have not told her what I really think and invited her to think of Mum today at the time of the cremation the same as Mums family and friends.
Take care all, sending you all strength to help with your own grief and loss xx

There always seems to be one that gains a huge amount of self importance when the loved one passes away ( usually the invisible one who did not support through all the hard times ).

Myself and my mother are going through a similar situation and all I can say is look after yourself and do what is right for your family as you were the one who was there all through the illness , this is what is meaningful !

Thoughts are with you today xx

 

[Violet Jane]

I have no time for extravagant displays of grief by people who showed little or no interest in the person when s/he was alive. How you behaved towards the person when s/he was alive is the important thing.