First time at day care.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by lizzybean, Jan 13, 2015.

  1. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    How come I feel like a parent taking her child to school for the first time? I know she'll be fine tomorrow because I am taking her & staying with her for a bit which is what I'll be doing for the first few times she goes, to get her used to it. Then she will be being picked up by them. Which is the bit I'm really not looking forward to because she is not that good first thing. I am going to have to ring her at 9ish to tell her to get ready & I feel this is too soon in the day for her. She may well make excuses not to go but I think the stimulation will be good for her.
  2. chezzie

    chezzie Registered User

    Jul 25, 2012
    I hope it goes well and isn't too much of an ordeal. Let us know how it goes.
  3. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    I'm facing a similar thing next week.
    I'm trying to organise Daycare for one of my days off at least, and another day where they will pick Mum up & drop her off. She takes so long to get ready.

    She said to me the other day that she won't know anyone, and can I just stay there with her, and then on the other hand she complains bitterly that one of the groups she goes to, the ladies are all cliquey and would like to meet different people :rolleyes:
  4. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    You are braver than me Linbrusco! I haven't even told her she's going, she will find out at about 9.15 this morning. I know she would prefer it if I stayed the whole time, not sure yet how I will make my exit. Might just run away!
  5. 1954

    1954 Registered User

    Jan 3, 2013
    My MIL goes 4 times a week. Although she would tell us she hates it the staff tell us she joins in with everything and she definitely gets more stimulation then staying home with me. We sadly give her no choice as she has to go.

    All the best x
  6. lil50

    lil50 Registered User

    Nov 5, 2013
    West Sussex
    Hope it goes well lizzybean. My Mum in her nineties loved it the first few times but then decided she would not go any more as it was full of old people and was boring!
  7. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Fingers crossed that your Mum settles, Lizzy.

    Mil consistently refused day care when she was in her own home, but when she moved here, we got a brilliant CPN, who talked Mil into trying it, on the grounds that it was 'good for her'. Being as she is regarded as one of those 'authority figures', that Mil has an ingrained respect for, Mil was reluctant to say 'No' to her. Mil may not always refer to herself as having Az or dementia, but she usually acknowledges that she has 'memory holes' (though she often insists that it isn't 'too bad') and we took what th CPN said, told her it was 'prescribed' by her consultant, in the hope it will stop her memory getting worse (I know - LWL) , and made it clear that the consultant, doctor and 'nurse' had gone to a lot of trouble to arrange it, and Mil would have to speak to them if she wanted to stop going . . .

    Initially, we had weeks of her being reluctant to go, even just twice a week. Everything from claiming to have a variety of illnesses, to telling me she hated it, giving me stories of what an awful time she had there, to telling me that it had been cancelled for the day. She would be uncooperative on day care mornings, and there were often tears and minor tantrums. But, I got reports from the staff that she was fine once she got there and I had left - and on a few occasions, arriving there early to collect her (before we arranged for project workers to bring her home) we were able to watch her, unobserved, and we could see for ourselves that she was happy there. So, I kept telling her that 'the doctor said she must go . . .', which worked well enough to get her out of the door - albeit after sometimes 2 hours of arguments! From the start, I was advised not to stay there with her - to drop her off, and go, as it might be a very difficult habit to break. But, thats just what we were advised - you know your Mum best :)

    Mil is now at a different day care - as her condition has got worse, she needed a more secure setting - and she goes 5 days a week, collected by mini bus at 9 - 9.15, and we collect her at 5pm. We have very few problems, by comparison to when she started, and I think this is because she is firmly convinced that she goes there mainly to do voluntary work - helping the staff look after the 'poor old dears' there. The staff go along with this, and she likes the fact that she is 'doing something useful' - lwl again, but needs must, and if it makes her more content and accepting, then I feel its justified.

    So, what I am saying is that even if it is really hard at first, its worth sticking with it. Mil - as I think you've read - is really hard work. Not her fault, but that doesn't always make it easier to deal with, and if you can set up breaks for yourself now, its so worth doing - none of us know what the future holds, or how hard its going to be. I absolutely could not cope without the day care, and am so glad we persisited with it at the start.

    Good luck xxx
  8. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Phew! I told her she was going to "lunch club" she balked a bit at that cos she couldn't understand why we were going at 10am! Then I (very stupidly, I should/do know better) told her I would not be stopping for the lunch. Well she wasn't going then. So I naughtily stood up picked up my coat and told her I would give her the number & she could phone them to let them know she wasn't coming.
    She decided then that she would go. I got her ready &we left. I managed to leave after an hour, telling her I had a dental appointment but would be back to pick her up later.
    I'm guessing she thought I would be about 20 minutes! Arrived back at 3pm & heard one of the staff say "see, she's here now" So I think she might have been fretting a bit.
    I had left her playing dominoes & she'd also done a jigsaw which the staff had left for me to see. She said she'd had a really good time. I said well you can come back next week, as did all the staff. She kept saying then that she couldn't just turn up & walk in by herself. Me saying that I would take her didn't seem to make any difference. You see, she can't just push herself forwards you know!!!
    Alternatively on the way home, it was somebodies home, a church social ( I think) or somewhere you go to have a holiday. Anyway I dropped all talk of it & will just repeat next week.
  9. Time trader

    Time trader Registered User

    Dec 30, 2014
    I hope all goes well. We are not quite at this stage yet even though we have had the assessment and prescribing sessions. We have the therapy assessment appointment very soon but Dad insists there's nothing wrong with him and he is not going to any day centre as he doesn't want to sit in a room with lots of old biddies - his words not ours so please do not be offended. Dad is becoming increasingly verbally abusive on occasions and has recently shown signs of potential physical abuse. I find this really frightening and can't help wondering how he was with Mum (she died recently) and his attitude now shows that this has been brewing for some years. I guess you can be too close sometimes to actually see what's going on
  10. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    Sounds like that went pretty well, Lizzy - so pleased, for both of you :D
  11. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Just an update

    Well the second week went well. After tea & toast I told her I had to go for a filling (well I had gone for a check up the first week!!) & left. She was fine altho when I picked her up she was playing dominoes & she said she hadn't really wanted to play those games! She wasn't distressed tho. This week I decided that if I could I would just drop her off, went in with her , hung her coat up , sat her with her usual ladies & went & talked to the staff until I could see her buttering her toast. Then I just told her I had some errands to run & would be back later. She told me not to be so long & I said I wouldn't!
    When I went to pick her up she was soooo relieved to see me, told me she thought I was on holiday as she hadn't seen me for such a long time. All this in front of a staff member who hadn't seen me drop her off! So I gently reminded her that I had seen her the day before & the day before that & that I had taken her to church on Sunday (I know, I know) she had been telling them that she would need to get off as she was going to walk home because I was not coming (due to me being on holiday!)
    Within 2 minutes of being in the car she had forgotten that she had spent the last 5 hours there.

    On a different note (major whinge coming) doesn't normal life impinge sometimes. My son who is at the other end of the country to me (Bournemouth) has a double fracture to his leg, done a week last Monday. He may be 28 but I just want to put my arms round him & give him a big hug. We are going down next weekend (the week before he moves!) At least I have learnt how to Skype.

    Today I was parked outside my Dads when the lady who lives across the road backed into my car & did quite a lot of damage. She doesn't want to go thru the insurance & wants me to get a couple of quotes. All well & good but I could do without the inconvenience then her partner tells my Dad that they know someone who does these kind of repairs. Now my hubby thinks I am going to be taken for a ride & that this garage will do a botch job. I do need my car not least for MIL but I also work out of town. Dad has said I can borrow his but OH is right, why should I when insurance would pay for a hire car!

    Fed up & you probably are if you've got this far.
  12. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    #12 Lindy50, Jan 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2015
    Sending you (((hugs))) Lizzy. You've done so well to get mil into daycare and now you have do much else on your plate!! Know what you mean about wanting to just hug your son. I do hope that youth is on his side and that he heals well and fast :)

    You must be wondering how on earth you're meant to get into work!

    All the best Lizzy :)

    Lindy xx
  13. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    There is nothing worse than one of our kids being ill or hurt, when we can't get to them straight away - as Lindy says, hopefully he'll heal well and fast - but I know you won't feel better, Lizzy, till you are able to give him that big hug x

    As for the car, sorry hun, but I think you have enough on your plate without having to put yourself to a lot of inconvenience to suit the folk who don't want to go through the insurance. I'd insist on the work being done by a qualified mechanic/garage, who will provide a guarantee, at the very least - point out that for the sake of your job and your Mum you simply cannot risk anything else x

    Your Mum sounds to be settling quite well at day care - I'm so glad :) Try not to worry over much about your Mum telling the staff that your away on holiday, or that she hasn't seen you for ages - Mil does it all the time! When we walk through the door to collect her, we quite often find her in tears - staff tell me that she starts to confabulate and panic - she thinks she got the 'bus' there under her own steam/that a stranger talked her into his car and dumped her there, that her 'family' don't know where she is and that she will be stuck there as she has no way to get home. When they have tried to reassure her that either OH or I will be there to collect her, she will tell them that she hasn't seen us for ages, that we live miles away and don't know where she is so won't be coming, or any one of a number of 'stories' that provide her with a reason to keep on crying. When we arrive, we are greeted with amazement that we knew where to 'find' her, get told she has 'never been so relieved' to see someone in her life and often she heads for the door saying 'Come on - lets get out of this place'!. But, different staff have repeatedly told us that usually the tears have only started at most a short time before and that she has been quite happy and calm for most of the day. And within minutes of being in the car, like your Mum, she usually has forgotten where she has been and substituded a completely confabulated history of her day. And often the confabulations start out as tales of woe and she says she has had an awful day - but by the time we get home, thats often changed too, and she has been doing all sorts of nice, exciting things, which we just go along with! Shortly after there is every chance that she won't remember going out at all. She can only live in the 'moment' for the most part now and forgets the short period of upset as quickly as she forgets all the things that have happened that she has enjoyed in the day. There are, of course, some days when she is agitated and upset all day there - but that's the nature of this illness, and the upset would happen whereever she is, sadly - day care just means that on those days, we get a break from it and as she remembers none of it, it has no long term bad effect on her. x
  14. cold feet

    cold feet Registered User

    Nov 19, 2010
    Life does have a habit of springing these things on you doesn't it! I agree with Ann Mac on the car. Why should you have to put yourself out? That's what insurance is for - and how could you be sure doing it 'on the cheap' will get a good job, or even get paid for. I think you would have to tell your insurance company anyway, to be sure you are not invalidating your cover.

    About the day care reaction, my mum was in her care home for nearly 6 years, and still would say to the staff she had to go now, as she needed to catch the bus home!
  15. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    I am not bothered what MIL says normally but you know when you think these staff don't know me from Adam & it sounds like you are neglecting them? They don't know that I see her everyday.
    I have got 2 quotes for the car & their man is coming in the morning so I will see what he says. At least I am armed with info now. One of the garages I went to will give me a loan car so that is my preferred choice.
  16. Ann Mac

    Ann Mac Registered User

    Oct 17, 2013
    I would hope that the staff there are pretty clued up, Lizzy, and will take into account that maybe your Mum's version of what happens isn't always accurate - and with you picking your Mum up and dropping her off, they will soon get the right facts :) Its with 'people' that have no direct experience with dementia that I occasionally have the worry that they will take Mils stories at face value - had a few problems with medical folk who she has seen for various other ailments actually writing down her mainly ficticious answers to questions - she often tells people that either she doesn't have diabetes (she's had it for years!) or that she never takes tablets for it (been on medication for it for years, too). The one time her 'confabulations' could have had serious implications was an appointment she had with a physio just after she moved in with us - OH had to take her as I was working, and he left the room whilst Mil stripped off and was examined. Her CPN phoned us about 2 weeks later to tell us not to worry, but did we know that Mil had told the consultant and nurse that she was being 'held prisoner' at our house? And that they had contacted Mil's Social worker and her, to 'express concern' :eek: Thankfully, they had been put right by the SW and CPN, but I must admit, it gave OH and I a bit of a shock. Its one of the reasons why I do ALL her medical appointments now - she will tolerate me being there during examinations, and I can hopefully prevent anything like that happening again!

    Glad you have the info you need re; the car now - stick to your guns, and do whats best for you, hun xxxx

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