Fingers crossed that your Mum settles, Lizzy.
Mil consistently refused day care when she was in her own home, but when she moved here, we got a brilliant CPN, who talked Mil into trying it, on the grounds that it was 'good for her'. Being as she is regarded as one of those 'authority figures', that Mil has an ingrained respect for, Mil was reluctant to say 'No' to her. Mil may not always refer to herself as having Az or dementia, but she usually acknowledges that she has 'memory holes' (though she often insists that it isn't 'too bad') and we took what th CPN said, told her it was 'prescribed' by her consultant, in the hope it will stop her memory getting worse (I know - LWL) , and made it clear that the consultant, doctor and 'nurse' had gone to a lot of trouble to arrange it, and Mil would have to speak to them if she wanted to stop going . . .
Initially, we had weeks of her being reluctant to go, even just twice a week. Everything from claiming to have a variety of illnesses, to telling me she hated it, giving me stories of what an awful time she had there, to telling me that it had been cancelled for the day. She would be uncooperative on day care mornings, and there were often tears and minor tantrums. But, I got reports from the staff that she was fine once she got there and I had left - and on a few occasions, arriving there early to collect her (before we arranged for project workers to bring her home) we were able to watch her, unobserved, and we could see for ourselves that she was happy there. So, I kept telling her that 'the doctor said she must go . . .', which worked well enough to get her out of the door - albeit after sometimes 2 hours of arguments! From the start, I was advised not to stay there with her - to drop her off, and go, as it might be a very difficult habit to break. But, thats just what we were advised - you know your Mum best
Mil is now at a different day care - as her condition has got worse, she needed a more secure setting - and she goes 5 days a week, collected by mini bus at 9 - 9.15, and we collect her at 5pm. We have very few problems, by comparison to when she started, and I think this is because she is firmly convinced that she goes there mainly to do voluntary work - helping the staff look after the 'poor old dears' there. The staff go along with this, and she likes the fact that she is 'doing something useful' - lwl again, but needs must, and if it makes her more content and accepting, then I feel its justified.
So, what I am saying is that even if it is really hard at first, its worth sticking with it. Mil - as I think you've read - is really hard work. Not her fault, but that doesn't always make it easier to deal with, and if you can set up breaks for yourself now, its so worth doing - none of us know what the future holds, or how hard its going to be. I absolutely could not cope without the day care, and am so glad we persisited with it at the start.
Good luck xxx