Finding it hard to support Mum with advanced Alzheimers

[Sarahf1980]

Hi,

I'm new here but sure there is someone in the same boat, just looking to connect for a bit of emotional support.

My Mum is 73, has had Alzheimers for 9 years and been in care 5 years. My brother died 3 years ago, my Dad died a year ago, I am my Mum's only living close relative and Deputy for her under the CoP. I am in my mid 30's, happily married with a toddler and baby, so life is full on!

My Mum's dementia is now very advanced - she can not walk, talk or undertake any personal care. She is doubly incontinent and has no idea where she is re time/space etc. She grinds her teeth terribly, no cause can be found other than that it is part of her dementia. She lives in a care home in our village so I visit twice a week. She has a distant friend who visits a couple of times a year but all her other friends live several hundred miles away.

I find it really hard to visit her, she is just so poorly, little more than a shell of who she was. Yesterday she had a fall from her commode, hit her nose on a bathroom cabinet so has a swollen face and two black eyes today. I visited yesterday, tried to prepare my almost 3 year old that Grandma isn't well, but she was terrified when she saw her - Mum had picked her nose (sorry) so her face and fingers were fairly covered in blood. Staff cleaned her up very quickly but my daughter still wouldn't see her so we couldn't stay long - I felt pulled in two about who to look after. It is just so miserable and could go on for years as she is largely otherwise well. She nearly died 2 years ago from a very sudden pneumonia but had IV antibiotics and bounced back - I just wish she had gone and was at peace with my Dad. Sorry if this seems selfish and mean but if you saw her you would understand. her GP and care home are good, there is just no way of making life good for her now. I know she would not want to live like this. Thanks for reading... xx

 

[AlsoConfused]

You've had an awful lot to cope with over recent years, even though you're happy in your marriage and have two young children to enjoy and work for. And trying to do your best for everyone in spite of them needing different things is psychologically exhausting - there's no way you can win.

Perhaps it may help to tell yourself "I'll do what I can - and I won't worry about what I can't"? Perhaps detaching yourself a bit mentally from your Mum while still visiting and helping her may make you feel less troubled during the visits? Your Mum probably wouldn't realise you'd withdrawn a bit emotionally so she wouldn't feel upset.

 

[Sarahf1980]

Thank you x

 

[Shedrech]

hello Sarahf1980
welcome to TP - there are many here who will recognise and sympathise with your situation
you sound torn in 2 - there's always going to be a compromise when older and younger family members are both on your radar
personally, I feel that your priority is your own children, they need you and no-one else can be their mum
your mum is important to you; she is, though, somewhere she is looked after 24 hours a day, and somewhere you can get to when you need to
maybe cut your visits for a while and go on your own if it's possible, maybe just popping in to see that your mum is fine - just ask that the staff contact you with any concerns, so you are kept in the loop
Alsoconfused is spot on - we can all only do what we can; none us has superpowers - maybe give your children an extra hug from their grandma and tell them a happy story of her life so all of you keep her with you and think of her with a smile
best wishes to all of you

 

[Sarahf1980]

Thank you Shedrech, that is all really helpful. I just need to step back and get some perspective sometimes. Monday was a bleak day (when Mum fell) but I do have things to be thankful for within all this...that Mum is well cared for, close to where I live and that small children are fairly resilient given enough love...my almost 3 year old who was frightened by Mum's injuries keeps asking if she is better and can we go and visit her.

You have given me some ideas for creating some positives around all this for me and my children, I'm thinking of a scrapbook of memories of when she was well, photos, things she said, enjoyed, favourite places etc.

So thank you x

 

[Cumbria34]

Hi Sarahf1980,

I'm new here too and your situation sounds so similar to mine! I'm mid-thirties but have no children. My mam is nearly 72 and it was only last week that she moved to a CH.

My mam got diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimers about 4 years ago. She's declined massively over the last 2 years (I moved out 2 years ago). She's been having a number of falls too. She was in hospital for the last 4 months because of a broken elbow etc.

Since moving to the CH last Monday she's had 3 falls. I'm so worried that she needs to be placed into somewhere that can offer extra care which may result in her being moved out of town - I couldn't bear that. We have a meeting at the CH tomorrow to discuss options.

I find it so hard to come to terms with what my mam has even after all this time. Her character is so different now. she's quiet and has lost interest in most things. I do live in hope that she'll get a bit of a spark back now that she's settled in a CH, you never know...

I decided to look at the positives like the carers are brilliant and the CH is nearby. I must admit I did have a down spell at the weekend, I just think everything has hit me.

Big hugs xx

 

[Sarahf1980]

Hi Cumbria34 thanks for replying, sorry not to reply sooner. I can only say I have an idea of what you are going through and it is tough, so sending hugs to you too. I hope something can be done to reduce the number of falls your Mum is having, 3 in a week seems a lot and hospital is so hard for someone with dementia. Well done for seeing the positives, keep going with that. I am thinking of doing a scrapbook of good memories of my Mum so I have something positive to hold on to, and also for my children who have only ever known my Mum whilst poorly. Maybe that could help you too? I also asked one of her school friends for her memories of my Mum when they were young and she sent me a long letter full of silly buts which made me laugh. Hoping you get the immediate issues resolved soon. Take care and look after yourself! Xx