Feelings of guilt

[nursebetty62]

I know 100% I am not alone in what I'm about to say but how do you cope with feelings of guilt. We have tried for some time to get my mum into care as she is unable to care enough for herself to be safe at home. Long story short after safeguarding highlights we have got her into respite, I'm hoping it continues. I absolutely know this is the best option and we can see an improvement in her mood, her verbal responses and her willingness to be involved in small activities, she's 91 and almost blind so it's not easy for her. But I feel so bloody guilty about co-ercing her away from her home and what's familiar to her to a completely new environment, I'm surprised at my own feelings as I feel so sorry for her when she cries about wanting to go home. She's not doing this on purpose but part of me feels she is manipulating me to think , oh let's just get her home when I know she will refuse carers, sleep all day and not look after herself. To make matters worse she is in England and I'm in Wales so logistics prevent me caring for her.
How do you make yourself understand that this is the best option and believe it ?

 

[canary]

Hello @nursebetty62

How do you make yourself understand that this is the best option and believe it ?

It takes time
Your head knows it, but it hasnt yet reached your heart. It will take time for you to adjust, just as much as it will take your mum to adjust
Keep reminding yourself that its what your mum needs, even if its not what either she, or you, wanted
xx

 

[Jools1402]

I think perhaps I'm abnormal - or perhaps it's because I had never had a very close relationship with my Mum or Dad - but I have never felt an ounce of guilt when placing them in nursing homes. They were / are well looked after, contented, safe. What would I feel guilty about?
@nursebetty62 - turn your guilt on it's head and look at things from a different perspective. If you had left your Mum at home (a home that she will soon forget even if she hasn't already) you would have been neglecting her by putting her at risk from herself, you would have been depriving her of better health, you would have been depriving her of social interaction and activities. If you'd done this then this is when you should have felt guilty - but you did the right thing so NO GUILT REQUIRED.

 

[nursebetty62]

Thank you so much, that brought a tear to my eyes. I had not had a close relationship with my mum for many years so these feelings have taken me by surprise, obviously somewhere deep down I have a heart 😄 but your words are absolutely true. I would have deprived her, and I would have allowed her to be a risk to herself.
It's very early days, day 8 today but I can hear an improvement in her already...I can't visit yet I live too far away......but I ring every day, she still asks to go home but I can steer her away from that saying let's talk about the good things happening, days 2,3 and 4 were full of verbal abuse to me and the staff but that's so much less now. I am having conversations with her, to some degree as you will know they are never normal conversations, but they are conversations different to the 3 or 4 sentences on endless repeat I was getting when she was on her own at home . It's doing her good, I know it is and that makes it easier. Thank you for your kind words,they really have helped xx

 

[nursebetty62]

Hello @nursebetty62

It takes time
Your head knows it, but it hasnt yet reached your heart. It will take time for you to adjust, just as much as it will take your mum to adjust
Keep reminding yourself that its what your mum needs, even if its not what either she, or you, wanted
xx

Thank you. It's taken me by surprise but as you say, I know it's for the best and particularly from a safety point of view, this is what my brain knows and my heart needs to learn. At home she was an accident waiting to happen with quite likely a poor outcome. She is in a safe environment, she can't quite take that in as she reminds me that she "can look after myself you know " but she genuinely doesn't do any of the things she believes she does. She will get there,she is already getting better but still wants to go home. Brain V heart, think brain is about 2 points ahead right now 😄 thank you for your kind words.

 

[Lucy Young]

I know 100% I am not alone in what I'm about to say but how do you cope with feelings of guilt. We have tried for some time to get my mum into care as she is unable to care enough for herself to be safe at home. Long story short after safeguarding highlights we have got her into respite, I'm hoping it continues. I absolutely know this is the best option and we can see an improvement in her mood, her verbal responses and her willingness to be involved in small activities, she's 91 and almost blind so it's not easy for her. But I feel so bloody guilty about co-ercing her away from her home and what's familiar to her to a completely new environment, I'm surprised at my own feelings as I feel so sorry for her when she cries about wanting to go home. She's not doing this on purpose but part of me feels she is manipulating me to think , oh let's just get her home when I know she will refuse carers, sleep all day and not look after herself. To make matters worse she is in England and I'm in Wales so logistics prevent me caring for her.
How do you make yourself understand that this is the best option and believe it ?

I know exactly how you feel. My mum was in hospital for months after happily living in sheltered accommodation for 18 months and had to go into care nearly 18 months ago. I am the administrator for the home my mum is in so thought that her seeing me every day would make her feel happier but every time she sees me, she says she's fed up, bored, wants to die etc (anyone else experience this?!). But, I know that despite her distress, she really is in the best place. She's safe, has her medication, meals, baths and showers in a safe environment. I'm not sure your heart will ever catch up with your head to be honest, but please be reassured that it really is the best, safest option. I console myself with by thinking that my mum is 100 times safer there than she is at home.

 

[CarrieKay]

I know 100% I am not alone in what I'm about to say but how do you cope with feelings of guilt. We have tried for some time to get my mum into care as she is unable to care enough for herself to be safe at home. Long story short after safeguarding highlights we have got her into respite, I'm hoping it continues. I absolutely know this is the best option and we can see an improvement in her mood, her verbal responses and her willingness to be involved in small activities, she's 91 and almost blind so it's not easy for her. But I feel so bloody guilty about co-ercing her away from her home and what's familiar to her to a completely new environment, I'm surprised at my own feelings as I feel so sorry for her when she cries about wanting to go home. She's not doing this on purpose but part of me feels she is manipulating me to think , oh let's just get her home when I know she will refuse carers, sleep all day and not look after herself. To make matters worse she is in England and I'm in Wales so logistics prevent me caring for her.
How do you make yourself understand that this is the best option and believe it ?

You are certainly not alone and I am dealing with the same feelings of utter guilt right now. I have been thrown in to be a full time carer since my dad died in January 24 , on the same day we, my sister and I received the diagnosis of vascular dementia for mum. I have a full time job, but I am lucky enough to do it from anywhere so to move in with mum was not a problem. I did however think my sister would be more supportive and give me a couple of weekends a month to go back to my home to sort out post/plants etc and and just to have 2 day break every fortnight, but that was not meant to be, thats another story. In March I had a knee replacement and mum needed to go to resbite care in order for me to recover from surgery. But I was back within three weeks to take over the caring duties again. In August there is the need for resbite care again for mum and she does not want to go. She does not understand why I would even be thinking of making her go there and is using emotional blackmail really. It is so hurtful to hear her say things that I never do anything, that she and dad worked so hard to give me a good life and yet I want to be away from her. I know my "old mum" would never say these things and should would be wanting me to continue with my life and work, I am only 64, but this "new mum" is scared and lashes out. I know she misses my dad desperately, they were together for 75 years. But is breaks my heart when she says she wishes she could just go with him because I don't care enough to look after her (without a break) until she dies. I am making her sound like a demon and she is not. I just feel so bad and I know it is affecting my mental health.

 

[nursebetty62]

I know exactly how you feel. My mum was in hospital for months after happily living in sheltered accommodation for 18 months and had to go into care nearly 18 months ago. I am the administrator for the home my mum is in so thought that her seeing me every day would make her feel happier but every time she sees me, she says she's fed up, bored, wants to die etc (anyone else experience this?!). But, I know that despite her distress, she really is in the best place. She's safe, has her medication, meals, baths and showers in a safe environment. I'm not sure your heart will ever catch up with your head to be honest, but please be reassured that it really is the best, safest option. I console myself with by thinking that my mum is 100 times safer there than she is at home.

❤️