Feelings of anger following the loss of my dad

[Jo28]

My dad passed away on Sunday evening after a long battle with dementia and cancer. It has been so hard seeing him deteriorate day by day, but I know now that he is finally at peace. As I am helping my mum plan my dad's funeral I am struggling with feelings of anger at family and friend's who have not even visited by dad over the past 2 years who now want to attend his funeral. I am not sure how I am going to get through the wake afterwards. I just can't understand why they would abandon my beautiful dad and my mum and not visit either of them, when we have all been struggling under the pressure of caring for dad. My mum and dad were also heavily involved with the church and no one has supported them in any kind of practical way over the past couple of years. Even the pastor has only visited a couple of times, and yet mum and dad have been actively involved in supporting the church and its members until my dad got ill. I feel so hurt for my parents and so angry at them all and yet at the same time I am so disliking these awful feelings which seem to be swamping me and occupying my thoughts, when I just need to grieve for my dad. Any advice?

 

[Izzy]

Sorry, no real advice. I just wanted to say that I think your feelings sound quite natural. I know it's easy for me to say but try to keep calm. You'll end up upsetting yourself even more. x

 

[Saffie]

I would like to welcome you to TP. I am sorry you have lost your father and offer you my sympathy and condolences for your sad loss. I am glad he is no longer suffering, though hgard for you and your mother.

I can well understand your anger towards those who have now appeared to do'the right thing' by wanting to attend the funeral but have been missing when they could have actually been of help to your father and to your mother and yourself. Sadly, it does seem to happen a lot and has certainly happened with my husband. Even neighbours don't even enquire about him now that he is in a nursing home and nobody thinks to visit apart from myself and my daughters.

I hope those who do attend your father's funeral feel guilt when they do but, sadly, I don't think that can be guaranteed.

 

[turbo]

Hello Jo, I am sorry to read that your dad has died. My sincere condolences.
I think your feelings are normal. It's very sad when family and friends haven't made the effort to visit. Try to concentrate on helping your mum plan your goodbye to your dad. These 'invisibles' are not worth getting angry about.


turbo

 

[Soobee]

I'm sorry about the loss of your dad. I think it's understandable that you'd feel angry, I know I would. I appreciate that you hate feeling this way.

Whenever I have overwhelming emotions now, I tell myself that they are a natural part of grieving, that I just have to get through them and out the other side, and it will be ok. For some reason, it really helps me to accept the emotion and not fight it. I am so used to fighting how I feel, but somehow going with the emotion is easier for me and I recover more quickly. I guess it helps to label what I am feeling and assign it to something.

It is early days and I think you will be fine on the day of the funeral. Maybe turn it around and think how positive it is that people want to go to your dad's funeral, despite losing touch through fear etc. I have a sad hunch that only immediate family will bother to come to my mother's funeral when she passes away.

 

[sunray]

Sorry for the pain you feel after the death of your Dad. I struggled with my husband's care for 13 years (plus a year in a nursing home) and from time to time felt great anger at those who never visited, never phoned, never appeared to care. I think they are the ones who "want to remember him the way he was". I felt they were "deserters" until I realised how many people I should have supported but never did. We all make our own excuses for that.

I hope the funeral goes well and you and your family do draw comfort from the condolences and the flowers and the offerings of memories people bring. There were 200 people at my husand's funeral, I wish he had been able to see that people did care even if they had been unable to express that while he was alive.

(((hugs))) from Sue.

 

[Jo28]

Thanks so much to all of you that have posted comments, they have been really helpful and it is just nice to know that others have experienced the same situation. I couldn't sleep last night so logged onto the site for the first time with the hope of having a safe place to vent my feelings. I will get through the wake I am sure, I owe it to my lovely dad and would not let him down. I think I just feel exhausted after having virtually lived at the nursing home for the past 2 months. I wanted to ensure he felt loved to the end of his life. I have not really experienced loss before so it is all new to me, hopefully things will get easier as time goes by.
Jo

Sorry for the pain you feel after the death of your Dad. I struggled with my husband's care for 13 years (plus a year in a nursing home) and from time to time felt great anger at those who never visited, never phoned, never appeared to care. I think they are the ones who "want to remember him the way he was". I felt they were "deserters" until I realised how many people I should have supported but never did. We all make our own excuses for that.

I hope the funeral goes well and you and your family do draw comfort from the condolences and the flowers and the offerings of memories people bring. There were 200 people at my husand's funeral, I wish he had been able to see that people did care even if they had been unable to express that while he was alive.

(((hugs))) from Sue.

 

[alwaysEFL]

You are normal, it was like reading a post I had written in March this year. The invisibles and deserters seem to feel an entitlement to attend the wake, funeral etc.
They have to live with their consciences but I felt right up to the end that showing some interest in Dad would have enabled some bridges to be built - when he was gone it became unfixable. Xxx


AlwaysEFL

Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[calmag]

To Jo

Hi Jo
I am so sorry that you have lost your dad who you loved. People don't know how to respond to people once they have dementia. It's only when you experience it (like you have) first hand with your dad that you understand. Maybe you will use your experience to help others in the future. Take comfort from the fact that you were with your dad to the end. You were able to show him you loved him and he would have been comforted to know that.
I too lost my dear dad on 12th November after 10 long years of confusion. I now know he is in a better place and his confusion is no more.
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers that you will be able to show kindness to those who didn't understand X

 

[lisaw]

Hi Jo,

So sorry for you loss, I lost my mum to AD 3 years ago after 18 years of suffering, just like you and many others support fell by the way side however my dad made the decision that the funeral was OUR time to say goodbye. After seeing her slip away over the years we needed that closure. Therefore the only people in attendance were my immediate family (which was my brother and his wife) and 2 friends who never abandoned us, it may seem selfish but it was our time to be selfish. With only 7 people at her funeral it was intimate, I didn't have to think about anyone else, we were able to say goodbye in our own way with our own thoughts. I realise this may not be practical, we kept the details of the funeral to ourself, if people asked we just said we are still dealing with it and will let you know. I completely and utterly understand how you feel, but the funeral is your time to say goodbye, don't do what is right for everyone else, do what you right for you and your family and what will make you feel comfortable on the day.

 

[meme]

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. Your feelings are totally understandable....you may want to say some of the above to various people if and when you feel is the approriate time and pace...as far as the funeral I do feel it is your Dads day...his funeral, therefore all who wish to come are marking his life and showing respect/love for him.