David is going for a weeks respite tomorrow. It was arranged because he was getting so bad, shouting at everyone, including neighbours who have been sitting in their gardens whilst we have lovely weather. Anyone that dared to visit us didn't stay long as he shouted and said awful things. If we went out (not often) he would be horrible sometimes and other times silly and daft and embarrassing. We have a family wedding next Saturday and I know that he would not (If I actually got him there) last for very long as he doesn't like too many people about. So I made the decision to have a weeks break. For the last three days he has been like an angel. I feel so bad. I don 't want to be without him at the wedding but how can I know how he will behave. He is also now very unreliable toilet wise and for some reason cannot go in a strange toilet. Men's or disabled. I wonder if the tablets are at last kicking in and making him calm. I am dreading tomorrow. Taking him at 12.00. Lunch is at 12.30. Thought that I would probably be encouraged to leave whilst he goes for lunch. I am not looking forward to the freedom or the wedding or anything.xxx
Feeling sick and horrible.
- Thread starter Casbow
- Start date
I understand how you must be feeling I haven't been through it but I feel for you, I long for some time to my self and I am trying to pluck up the courage to leave him with carers. But I do have some experience as my son got married in May and I took my husband but the whole 3 days were taken up with me worrying and caring for my husband, where I couldn't enjoy or take part in the celebrations. It had traumatised me for months before not knowing how he was going to be on the day. He didn't enjoy it particularly and I didn't participate like I should have done, my son who was the groom was helping me care for him and ensuring nothing kicked off. So although this might be the most difficult thing you might have done to date, please do just that take him at 12.00 and during his lunch slide away. Phone to check he is OK to put your mind at rest and then please try to think of yourself and enjoy the family occasion.
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William was in respite four times in the six months preceding going in to full time care. The first time, I was exactly like you, Casbow. I had agonised about it for - well, for about eighteen months, at least. I had kept going for as long as I possibly could. But by then, things were so bad, I desperately needed a break, and William needed building up. Did I have a break while he was in respite? Not really - I spent the time worrying about him. I did things. Got out and about, saw people. But worried about him. And William?
Frankly, he was happy as larry! He enjoyed the company, and the activities, and the meals and the always-on television and the staff waiting on him and helping him!
The second time I brought him, just about six weeks later, when we stopped in Reception to sign him in and sort out his meds - he took off down the corridor, by himself, to the Day Room! I didn't even get a backward glance!
So, while I know your experience might turn out very different. It just may be that it won't. It might be that the break will be good for both of you. Take the break. Enjoy the wedding as much as you can. xx
Frankly, he was happy as larry! He enjoyed the company, and the activities, and the meals and the always-on television and the staff waiting on him and helping him!
The second time I brought him, just about six weeks later, when we stopped in Reception to sign him in and sort out his meds - he took off down the corridor, by himself, to the Day Room! I didn't even get a backward glance! So, while I know your experience might turn out very different. It just may be that it won't. It might be that the break will be good for both of you. Take the break. Enjoy the wedding as much as you can. xx
Thankyou, you lovely people. I am close to tears all the time at the moment. My friends are making sure I have something nice to do everyday. But I think my trip to town will be the highlight. Desperate to be measured for new bras. I have lost 2 stone in weight and my bras are old and uncomfortable. Got dress for the wedding online and a jacket. But cannot buy shoes without going to town. So will have a list of bits and pieces to sort out. Watch battery, Dog poo bags from Wilko. Bank, Slippers,New home card, the list goes on. Haven't been to town for more than 3 months. If I can't buy what I want at Asda or other stores I can't buy it. So look out here I come. Park and ride of course.xxx
Woo hoo! You do please try to enjoy yourself and have a lovely wedding too. I'm sure everything will go a lot better than you fear x
Hello casbow, 1yr ago l was going through what you are about to do, the relief was so great, you enjoy every minute of it, don't feel guilty, your husband will be well looked after, in my husbands CH l see people coming for respite all the time, they seem to settle well and enjoy their stay. It will seem strange at the wedding, but you will be able to relax and enjoy it without the worry of what your husband may be up too. Take care will be thinking of you
Casbow, I'm going to suggest something Really Outrageous for your trip to town. Ok, here we go (deep breath) ........ how about treating yourself to a cup of coffee and a cake, whilst you're out!
We all feel/felt terribly guilty when our loved ones have/had respite, or permanent care, because we love them, but when we read the stories of others, who also say they feel guilty, we tell them they shouldn't.
It'll be 2 years this Christmas since John died, and looking back, I don't know how I coped for as long as I did, and why I should have had even a smidgen of guilt, but I was the same as everyone else - then. But not now.
Your hubby will be fine, and I hope you make the most of the respite period. And, should anyone, who doesn't know, ask why your hubby isn't with you at the wedding, just say he isn't well enough. And I hope you have a wonderful time, buying your new bras and shoes, and living it up with that decadent cup of coffee and slice of gorgeous cake.
We all feel/felt terribly guilty when our loved ones have/had respite, or permanent care, because we love them, but when we read the stories of others, who also say they feel guilty, we tell them they shouldn't.
It'll be 2 years this Christmas since John died, and looking back, I don't know how I coped for as long as I did, and why I should have had even a smidgen of guilt, but I was the same as everyone else - then. But not now.
Your hubby will be fine, and I hope you make the most of the respite period. And, should anyone, who doesn't know, ask why your hubby isn't with you at the wedding, just say he isn't well enough. And I hope you have a wonderful time, buying your new bras and shoes, and living it up with that decadent cup of coffee and slice of gorgeous cake.
Casbow, I felt like you do at the moment when my husband first went into respite but you obviously need a break and your husband might well appreciate having things going on around him to observe, my husband certainly did. I'm sure the staff will make a fuss of him and he'll be back with you in no time. Although everyone at the wedding would probably have understood, it will be so much more relaxing for you not to have to worry. Hope everything goes OK and as Scarlett suggests do something for you while you have the chance. x
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Thankyou. Yes I took him there at midday. He didn't question where he was. I just said for a couple of days whilst I did important shopping. He was eating lunch when i left. I said I needed to go to the loo, gave him a kiss and said "Won't be long". I have felt unwell all day. woke up 2.30 and didn't sleep anymore. Then lived on mugs of tea.Couldn't eat anything. In the end I was very lucky as 4 people that worked at the home I knew as I had worked with them at another home when I was a carer. So that makes me feel so much better. I know those carers and know that they are very kind. So I am going to do my best to be as happy as I can and fit in some me time. Love you all for being there.xxxxxx
Casbow, it sounds like you handled that exactly right. Im glad he seemed happy when you left him. Im sure he will be fine. Try and get some rest and then do something nice just for you. I wont say "dont worry" because we always do, but remind yourself he is in good hands with some people that you know
Once again thankyou all. I phoned the home today and they said that he had had a bath and was eating well. He was becoming more settled. He had taken his medication and seemed quite calm. I have had a very nice day. Met my sister and daughter in law in town. We had lunch and then shopped for wedding stuff. So I feel a lot better even though I keep feeling his presence sitting near me in the lounge. I keep looking up thinking I see him. So not feeling to bad. Hope for another good day tomorrow. Hope my dear hubby is ok as well.xxxx
Hello Casbow. I'm about to go through what you are doing right now as my husband is going to respite for two nights next week. He's been twice before about a year ago and both times told me he diidnt get on well, which wasn't true as they said he was fine but I fell for it and he hasn't been since. Now my time has come as I need a break if we are going to survive at home as I can't get any sleep most of the night. I hope you are okay. You sound as though you are doing very well so I'm taking confidence from what you have said!xx
Casbow, I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding, and dance the night away - or just sit eating, drinking and chatting. I bet you'll look a knockout. xxx
I bet you'll look a knockout. xxxCasbow, I hope you have a wonderful time at the wedding, and dance the night away - or just sit eating, drinking and chatting.
Thank you everyone for your comments and encouragement. I have mixed feelings about Davids respite care. Actually they are not so much mixed ,as disappointing. The feed back was that he was eating and drinking and taking his medication. Then it was that he wouldn't accept personal care and would not take his medication. Then it was that he had hit a member of the care staff. and he had been aggressive. When i went to bring him home I could have cried when i saw him. He was in the garden sitting with his head down looking totally lost and very unhappy. At first he wouldn't speak to me.I was heartbroken to see him. He didn't smell very nice (horrible actually) and had at least three days stubble on his face. Eventually he came round a bit and we had lunch there. He was missing his spectacles, 2 shirts, 1 cardigan 1 pair of jogging pants. All the clothes had his name on. not the spectacles ,so he could have put them somewhere.I feel so sad as this home was supposed to be good and to make it worse I knew 4 of the staff as I once worked as a carer and worked with them at another home. Speaking to friends the problem of missing clothes is really bad. If the clothes have the residents name on them why do they go missing. So now the thought of respite again makes me feel even worse than the first time which was after 9 years of caring.I feel like starting a petition for better care and definitely for better care of their possessions. If their clothes are labelled why do they go missing. Since coming home my husband has been saying "please sit with me. You won't leave me will you."so sad. x
Casbow, I am so sorry to read this. It must be heartbreaking.
I just want you to know I am thinking of you, though I don't know what to say......
I just want you to know I am thinking of you, though I don't know what to say......
Hello Casbow, so sorry respite hasn't been good for you and your husband. I do all my husbands washing, l hate the thought of it going in with everyone elses washing, then getting lost, which it does, most of the residents don't know their own clothes, as most have dementia.
I have a friend who takes all her husbands stuff home. When she took back a pile of clean ironed clothes the other week when she went back into his room the whole lot had been put in the laundry. Makes you wonder what planet some people are on. I used to be a carer at a care home and don't remember a big problem with missing clothes. The girls that did the laundry would always re-label if it had come off. I still can't keep David awake. I think the extra tablets he's on have kicked in and they maybe too much. As I came out of the bathroom this morning david went in to do a wee. When I went back in he was weeing all over the towels which were on the 'lid down' loo. So what didn't hit the towels went on the seat and floor. My fault. I usually pick the towels up before he wants to go in. But he is zombie like and not able to realise what he's doing. Poor love.xx
Hello casbow my husband used to wee anywhere, unless l was nearby. In the CH the men wee on the radiators, l have seen them doing it in an empty chair, most of the residents are incontinent so have pads or pullups. It certainly opens your eyes up what you see goes on in the CH. I take clean clothes everyday for my husband, because he will put clothes on top of clothes, he would often have two or three pairs of trousers on two jackets or shirts, so l decided not to leave any spare ones. Oh what strange behaviour you see, they are all different.
My husband wee'ed on a chair a couple of times -- I thought that the shape (seat, as in toilet and back of chair, as in cistern) was the explanation. And after all, one sits on both toilet and chair, so I could see the connection.
Didn't make cleaning the woven rush seat any easier though......
My dad when he was still at home with advancing dementia, would wee against radiators -- possibly mistaking the white panel for a public urinal?
Or am I being too charitable?
