Feeling needed

[Pilgrim]

My husband is a lovely person who has always put other‘s needs before his own.
He sees me tired and struggling and he desperately wants to help. He needs tasks to do to make himself still feel needed. However, when I ask him to help with something, he always misunderstands and forgets, so that I have to it again, eg, I ask him to put the blue bin out for collection and he puts the brown one out. I ask him to fetch my coat and he puts the kettle on instead. Although I never point out his mistake, he notices and gets upset and anxious, saying he’s useless and causing me too much trouble. It doesn’t matter how much I reassure him, he gets very distressed. This is always worse in the evening, when it’s dark and we’re both tired.
Any advice?

 

[Kevinl]

Well hello and welcome, as someone who is colour blind right coloured bins are an issue, as for the coat and kettle issue, well they are both things one put on.
It is what it, is I got pushed in the wardrobe one time because it was a spaceship, apparently, just is what it is , hard but posting here and talking groups can help.
K

 

[Pilgrim]

Yes, it’s not colour blindness, it’s that he forgets. I don’t mind that he forgets, and I don’t mind doing it for him, what upsets me is I can’t make him feel as though he is useful, which is what he wants more than anything.

 

[Kevinl]

My wife peeled the potatoes, I cook them we washed up after, pots, pans whatever we were a team not just me looking after her, there is no I in team as they sayK

 

[maggie6445]

Hi @Pilgrim, could you ask him to fold the washing or put the pegs back in the peg bag? Something that you can hand to him and ask him to do?

My OH doesn't "help" anymore as I got tired of re-doing all the jobs he was supposed to do. Changing the bedding used to drive me crazy. He would hold the wrong corner of the duvet,twist the sheet over etc and I ended up running around the bed not only doing the job but trying to sort out his error with him stood in my way grrr!!
He rarely notices now ,but If things need doing and he asks if he can help I now say ," thanks for offering but I don't mind doing it".Frankly , I'd rather do it first as if he did it, I'd have his to undo before doing it anyway.

 

[Lostinthisdesert]

Hi @Pilgrim, my lovely husband is the same. He used to do so much round the house but would only get in a muddle now. He still wants to help though. He can do some ironing, far from perfect! but I leave it to him and lots of praise/ thanks seems to make him happy. I need to check iron is safely put away etc. And he likes to chop onions so he does that and I give him the credit for cooking. Seems to work. I always keep an eye though because at some point I know it will get beyond him. Good luck!