Feeling lost

[Auchnacraig]

This is the first time I have posted. My mum died 6 weeks ago after fighting Alzheimer's for seven years. She was in a care home for the last three and a half years. She had been deteriorating badly since the start of the year. Her last few weeks were so awful her death was a release.
I thought I was coping well while I was busy organising her funeral and sorting things out but now I feel really empty and lost. I seem to have lost confidence and struggle to make decisions.
Is this a normal reaction?

 

[canary]

Yes, of course its a normal reaction @Auchnacraig - you are grieving. i felt numb for months after mum died. She too had lived in a care home for nearly 3 years. When someone dies from dementia it is harrowing to watch if you are not expecting it - the body seems to cling to life tightly and struggles to let go. Sorting out the funeral kept me going, but after that there was a big mum shaped hole.

Be gentle with yourself now and dont expect too much from yourself. People around seem to think that the funeral will bring "closure" and after that you will be over it, but its not true. You will heal in your own time.
((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

PS - welcome to Talking Point

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Auchnacraig
and welcome.
My condolences, however much we know that the loss is inevitable, there is still a hole in our lives that no-one else can fill.
Yes, your reaction is normal and familiar. My dad died at the end of january and it is still taking time to realise he is not here and to build a new way of being for myself. I wasn't even sure I dare drive on the motorway again, so I appreciate what you mean about confidence, and it's tough at times to know I can make decisions for myself now without having to worry about the impact on him, but that means all decisions are now only mine to make.
Sorry, waffling.
I set myself a challenge to try each day to do something I never have before, nothing major, go into a new shop, eat a new fruit, take the train to a new place ... I found thinking of things was fun and achieving them gave me pleasure and a sense of achievement; it has helped.
I also told myself that there was no urgency, that I had the right to feel lost and be grieving, that seemed to take the pressure off.

 

[Bunpoots]

I know just how you feel @Auchnacraig. My dad died just before Christmas and I still find myself floundering...

 

[Auchnacraig]

Thanks for your replies. It's good to know I am not alone in feeling like this. I think I need to give myself permission to feel lost and to grieve.

 

[Kikki21]

I’m not too far behind you @Auchnacraig - it’s coming up to 4 weeks since my mum passed away & my brain seems to have turned to complete mush which is not great when you are self employed & rely on yourself to bring in income. I am trying to keep busy but that’s not hard as there is lots to do & I am possibly guilty of putting far too much pressure on myself to do everything. I got upset last night as it’s Easter & my mum enjoyed Easter & although she wouldn’t have known it was Easter or any day with her dementia. Also paid for it with a migraine all day today..... yes you have to be kind to yourself for sure.

 

[Grannie G]

@Auchnacraig. It`s only six weeks since you lost your mum. Of course your feelings are normal.

Immediately after your mother died you were kept busy dealing with all the things one has to deal with as next of kin.

Now there is nothing left to do for your mother after years of taking responsibility for her care, even though she spent her last few years in residential care and there is a big hole in your life.

I think we all expect too much from ourselves following bereavement. I know acquaintances tire easily when faced with our grief which may be why we grieve alone so often, not wanting to be seen as needy.

We also see and hear of recently bereaved people apparently getting on with life like the stoics we know them to be.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It is as it is and our grief is personal to each and every one of us. Whatever we feel and however long it takes is normal.

Thank goodness everyone on this forum accepts us for who we are and understands our need to grieve for as long as we need to.

 

[lis66]

So sorry for your loss sending (((hugs))) to you take care xxx

 

[lighthouse68]

This is the first time I have posted. My mum died 6 weeks ago after fighting Alzheimer's for seven years. She was in a care home for the last three and a half years. She had been deteriorating badly since the start of the year. Her last few weeks were so awful her death was a release.
I thought I was coping well while I was busy organising her funeral and sorting things out but now I feel really empty and lost. I seem to have lost confidence and struggle to make decisions.
Is this a normal reaction?

 

[lighthouse68]

Hi Auchnacraig
I too lost my mum on 29 March this year. she fought with Alzhiemers for 6 years. Sadly her voice was taken by the conditon so for over 2 years she didn't utter a sound. My dad and I cared for her every need at home, but the last two weeks of her life were in a care home. Sadly she declined very fast and it was such a shock when she passed away.
I too thought I was coping and holding up well whilst supporting my dad and helping him sort everthing out and arrange mums funeral.
I'm totally lost now, and I feel like the world is going on around me but I'm not part of it. I feel like im in a cocoon, my happy self has just gone and been replaced by a heavy weight and exhaustion. I'm sure it must be how much I loved my mum and now there is a massive hole in our lives. I know my dad feels like half of him is missing and he feels so lost too xx

 

[Timeless]

Lighthouse68
Hold on just hold on please
Things will get better believe me and your mum would be so sad to see you do lost. I know it is hard but try to smile when you think of your dear mum and thank her for all those previous memories she left you. Your father needs you now so don't be afraid to talk about her and laugh again. My mother died in October so I know it's hard but again try to be positive because if you let your sadness get to you it will drag you down so be strong. Time will heal you but you will never forget so font be afraid of time. X x