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Feeling dumped

Mollyspal

New member
Apr 22, 2020
5
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,652
66
Toronto, Canada
I think what you're feeling is so very common. The disease changes our person to someone else entirely. I know it's easy to say it's the disease talking - and it is - but much more difficult to come to terms with it. Why shouldn't you feel upset and hurt when he is unpleasant? The mind may know one thing but it's entirely different for the heart.

I lost it with my mother quite a few times over the years. I remember once shouting at her "I hate your Alzheimer's!" Now, wasn't that useless of me.

Just keep trying to repeat to yourself it's the disease and not your husband.
 

Mollyspal

New member
Apr 22, 2020
5
Hello Canadian Joanne, many thanks for your response. I have to fight against feelings of resentment that my life has been taken over because I know his is so much more restricted. I can have a conversation with friends and family but he struggles to speak and I can still enjoy my garden while he needs help with every aspect of life and I think the only way I can cope is to try and forget he is my husband and be a detached carer. But he deserves more than that. I can fully appreciate your episode with your mum, I feel as if there’s a constant screaming going on in my head
 

JGDMG

Registered User
May 5, 2020
47
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
People said to me 'Its not your mum! It's the disease, but it was my mum, looking at me, my mums face, accusing me of stealing her ...whatever. You would have to be superhuman to not be affected by it. We are all just human with feelings. It must be so much worse when it's your husband. In answer to your question I would say almost everyone on this forum will have felt inadequate at some point. You say it doesn't happen very often which is something positive at least. This is a good place to let off steam!
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
885
High Peak
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
I think you have put your finger on it. Dementia does change people and the changes are usually permanent. It's perfectly understandable you should feel this way. Suddenly the person you married has gone and you're expected to just accept this new person in his place. It must be terribly hard to come to terms with this.

You are not inadequate, you're just doing your best in a heart breaking situation.
 

DILhelp

Registered User
Jan 31, 2016
118
London
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
I totally understand where you are coming from. I have to keep reminding myself that it's the dementia it's not me when my MIL is unpleasant to me. But unfortunately it still makes me sad. I'm sorry you're going through this. It doesn't also help that I'm already a very sensitive person maybe it's God's way to tell me to toughen up x
 

Vickster15

New member
Aug 5, 2020
1
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
Hi I am new to the page but just wanted to reply because I feel the same. Both my parents have memory issues dad is diagnosed with dementia mum awaiting an assessment. My dad talks to me sometimes as if I am thick and I also have to intervene when he talks to mum because he really does get verbally aggressive calling her name, are you thick are you stupid. Just feel totally deflated and exhausted thinking why am I doing this?
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,650
South East
Welcome to Tp @Vickster15 , I hope you keep posting and gain more support and knowledge , but sorry you have the need to use this forum , you are amongst kind people here . take care .
 

Janey B

Registered User
Aug 15, 2019
39
Northwest
Hi @Vickster15
I know my husband of 45 years, who was diagnosed with dementia nine months ago, does not mean to be difficult and hostile and it doesn’t happen very often. I don’t think I am a stupid woman without empathy. So why do I feel so dumped and rejected when he is unpleasant to me? I feel I am getting to know this new person and try to be buoyant, but then have the wind knocked from my sails. Does anyone else feel so inadequate?
It’s awful Isn’t it, we have had a long and happy marriage. Disagreements were dealt with quietly and with respect. Had a difficult childhood and being shouted at invokes some frightening experiences. “My problem” don’t cope with conflict well.
So now when OH is verbally abusive I am devastated even though I know it’s not him I can’t shake off the upset I feel. Going to have to toughen up I think.
 

Ramblingrose

Registered User
Feb 2, 2020
20
Yep, its that feeling of resentment which many of us carers suffer from. Its the daily grind of having to deal with unpredictable behaviour, constant questioning, total lack of recall. Then now and again a little moment of lucidity cheers you up or the person tells you that they love you and can't wait to see you again makes you want to cry. Don't ever feel guilty for the way you feel cos if most carers were honest they would tell you they feel the same.

I think one thing that does frustrate me is the lack of support for sufferers of dementia and alzheimers. It is an illness but not treated as so which means you have to pay through the nose for care. OOHH I could go on for ever!! Right time to face the day.