Feel like threatening to leave

[sapphire turner]

Hi JaxG thanks for this, your thoughts have made me feel a bit better this morning. Things that my husband says and does might sound funny and trivial to other people but I do feel threatened and my body responds to that threat. It is exhausting.
I am so glad that your husband is going into respite and I hope that this is a new chapter for you and the start of a calmer life. Sending love ❤️

 

[Alisongs]

Well I guess that’s all depends on how much capacity he has left.
Does have any insight into his own behaviour?
Has he got the point where he completely lacks empathy?
Five minutes after you threatened to leave him, would he even be able to remember?

Excellent points. My husband was fun, engaged, interesting and interested, caring, supportive..... Now a cruel apathetic stranger in denial of dementia, obstructive, defiant, a giant toddler with a menowfirstlastandmiddle attitude who can't remember anything new or unexpected for more than thirty seconds. When we married two years ago he was reasonably OK just a bit forgetful of words, dementia was diagnosed 4 months later and now he can't remember I'm at home if I'm not in the same room. Deterioration so fast we can't get used to it. My husband is gone, I have a resentful stranger and no marriage

 

[SherwoodSue]

Alisongs, the shock of this happening early in your marriage. Must be so hard to process.

 

[Postmill]

JacG, so sorry to read this but its so true on many ways, thats the hard bit the mental abuse, and the way its always twisted to be my fault, and to see my husband feeling sorry for himself and saying the terrible way i talk to him! Im usually so laid back and i am trying so hard to stay that way for my own sanity. Just waiting on GP to contact us, hoping he can prescribe something to bring his stress levels down, he is already on max antidepressants but stressing about everything which in turn make him delusional and even more depressed, so he is now cross with me for contacting GPand says he is not going in any hospitals, it seems i cant win whatever i do, he thinks i am plotting to have him put away, and so it goes on and on.

 

[Alisongs]

Alisongs, the shock of this happening early in your marriage. Must be so hard to process.

Not processing it cannot get past the grief and anger and the lack of support for the past two years as everybody passed the buck. Now trying to get support as he's out of hospital but social services won't offer anything without a financial assessment first, which they are slow to arrange although I have agreed. (I don't see the point as I know we'll be self funding for quite a while but social services are insisting on being nosey now. No financial assessment, no clues as to what help social services can offer) Soooooo undignified.

 

[JaxG]

Hi JaxG thanks for this, your thoughts have made me feel a bit better this morning. Things that my husband says and does might sound funny and trivial to other people but I do feel threatened and my body responds to that threat. It is exhausting.
I am so glad that your husband is going into respite and I hope that this is a new chapter for you and the start of a calmer life. Sending love ❤️

I work for a DV organisation and deal with victims of abuse every day. There is absolutely no difference in the effect of abuse on the victim, whether it's due to sheer nastiness, addiction or dementia. The trauma is horrendous and the effects are felt for many years. The problem with emotional abuse is that what is said DOES sound trivial to others, but that's because the perpetrator knows the triggers, knows what is important to the victim and how to wound. My husband told me that I had brought nothing to our marriage since he had a house when we met. I will never forgive this and think that this must have always been something he thought for it to come through the fog of dementia.
I hope things improve for you, that your husband does become calmer over time and that you can reclaim your life soon. xxx

 

[JaxG]

Excellent points. My husband was fun, engaged, interesting and interested, caring, supportive..... Now a cruel apathetic stranger in denial of dementia, obstructive, defiant, a giant toddler with a menowfirstlastandmiddle attitude who can't remember anything new or unexpected for more than thirty seconds. When we married two years ago he was reasonably OK just a bit forgetful of words, dementia was diagnosed 4 months later and now he can't remember I'm at home if I'm not in the same room. Deterioration so fast we can't get used to it. My husband is gone, I have a resentful stranger and no marriage

I am so sorry @Alisongs this sounds horrendous. Such a change in so short a time, I can't imagine how you are coping. It's a terrible disease and a heartbreaking loss.

 

[JaxG]

JacG, so sorry to read this but its so true on many ways, thats the hard bit the mental abuse, and the way its always twisted to be my fault, and to see my husband feeling sorry for himself and saying the terrible way i talk to him! Im usually so laid back and i am trying so hard to stay that way for my own sanity. Just waiting on GP to contact us, hoping he can prescribe something to bring his stress levels down, he is already on max antidepressants but stressing about everything which in turn make him delusional and even more depressed, so he is now cross with me for contacting GPand says he is not going in any hospitals, it seems i cant win whatever i do, he thinks i am plotting to have him put away, and so it goes on and on.

I went through something similar, it is soul destroying. I contacted Adult Social Services, said I was going to leave and my OH was eventually prescribed anti psychotic medication which did help. A year on and he has deteriorated hugely and is now very calm - but now, as my son in law pointed out, 'he is no longer there, there is nothing left'. I hope you can get some help.

 

[sapphire turner]

I work for a DV organisation and deal with victims of abuse every day. There is absolutely no difference in the effect of abuse on the victim, whether it's due to sheer nastiness, addiction or dementia. The trauma is horrendous and the effects are felt for many years. The problem with emotional abuse is that what is said DOES sound trivial to others, but that's because the perpetrator knows the triggers, knows what is important to the victim and how to wound. My husband told me that I had brought nothing to our marriage since he had a house when we met. I will never forgive this and think that this must have always been something he thought for it to come through the fog of dementia.
I hope things improve for you, that your husband does become calmer over time and that you can reclaim your life soon. xxx

Hi JaxG it means a lot to me that you understand how I am feeling, it seems like a double burden when people don’t take it seriously. I am working hard to reclaim my life but it’s not easy! ❤️

 

[Agzy]

I am lucky, I do get a break. I play golf once a week with lovely ladies who understand and let me talk to them,

Can’t believe how much I miss my weekly round of golf and the coffe/pint chat after with my youngest son. Combination of Paulines decline and my own health issues but I refuse to dispose of my clubs etc as I still dream.

 

[Alisongs]

I am so sorry @Alisongs this sounds horrendous. Such a change in so short a time, I can't imagine how you are coping. It's a terrible disease and a heartbreaking loss.

For all of us, victims and carers alike

 

[Alisongs]

I am so sorry @Alisongs this sounds horrendous. Such a change in so short a time, I can't imagine how you are coping. It's a terrible disease and a heartbreaking loss.

I am so sorry @Alisongs this sounds horrendous. Such a change in so short a time, I can't imagine how you are coping. It's a terrible disease and a heartbreaking loss.For all dementia

I am so sorry @Alisongs this sounds horrendous. Such a change in so short a time, I can't imagine how you are coping. It's a terrible disease and a heartbreaking loss.

For all dementia victims and carers alike

 

[JaxG]

Hi JaxG it means a lot to me that you understand how I am feeling, it seems like a double burden when people don’t take it seriously. I am working hard to reclaim my life but it’s not easy! ❤️

It is very isolating when people don't try to understand and empathise. It seems to me that the phrase 'it's the dementia not the person' is meant to minimise any feelings you might have when you are being emotionally abused daily, . It does not make any difference what the cause is, the pain is felt the same.

 

[Alisongs]

It is very isolating when people don't try to understand and empathise. It seems to me that the phrase 'it's the dementia not the person' is meant to minimise any feelings you might have when you are being emotionally abused daily, . It does not make any difference what the cause is, the pain is felt the same.

I am learning to think "hate the dementia not the person". Whatever the cause of abuse, it hurts just the same, as you say. You don't have to put up with it. It is a safeguarding issue for both of you. Please report to Social Services, and of course, to the Alzheimer's Society and Admiral Nurses. They're there for you too

 

[Alisongs]

Alisongs, the shock of this happening early in your marriage. Must be so hard to process.

Exactly