Feel like bringing him home, should I?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Billy's Girl, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. Billy's Girl

    Billy's Girl Registered User

    Oct 8, 2013
    76
    West Yorkshire
    My husband has now been moved to a home with nursing as the last one felt they could not meet his needs. Although it is clean with good food and caring staff, he is in a bed in his own room for the next six weeks, when he should be able to sit out of bed. He is immobile and doubly incontinent. He fell and due to a very bad fracture is bed bound. He has only been in for a couple of days and looking at the other residents in their individual rooms, they appear to be in the middle to late stage. One gentleman shouts out continuously for an hour at a time. My husband is nowhere like this and is sleepy most of the time with strong painkillers. I am now contemplating whether to have him home for what may be the last months but could be years, who knows. I certainly have enough room for adaptations but would need to get carers in four times a day. I feel better than I have in the past few months as the doctors have put me on antidepressants which are working well. I am wondering if I am going down the wrong path with this. I live on my own. I don't want my husband to die in a nursing home without me with him.
     
  2. ShellW

    ShellW Registered User

    Aug 4, 2014
    17
    Stockton on Tees
    Hi BG I am going through exactly the same thought process as you . My husbanfpd had a big stroke 10 yrs ago , developed dementia last year and had an ischaemic stroke 5 weeks ago . We could just about cope with carers coming in , but since the last episode JOn is totally unable to weight bear and I decided to place him in a nursing home. He was moved there today and I have spent the last 6 hours alternating between bawling my eyes out and trying to think practically if we in any way manage at home. Like you I have been treated by my GP for basically exhaustion this time last year and had to have 2 months off work. All of the family think that JOn going into a home is the answer, but I am wracked with doubt. Yes I have time to 'live my life' , but what's the point on your own? And when Jon finally dies won't it be better to look back on time we had together rather than separate time in a nursing home and home. Family members are all saying it is early days and things will get better, but I just feel absolutely awful. Jon is bemused, angry and feeling abandoned , and tonight I 'm thinking this isn't for us .
     
  3. Billy's Girl

    Billy's Girl Registered User

    Oct 8, 2013
    76
    West Yorkshire
    My family are mixed, some say yes have him home and we will help but they have got their own busy lives but others say you will never cope even with four carers in. They say I have to think of myself but how can I? From waking to going to sleep he occupies all my thoughts. He looks so sad and I am sad so why not have him home? He is doubly incontinent and can't walk anymore and spends his time either in bed or sat out. He could do that at home. He still recognises me and sometimes, not often, we do have a bit of. Conversation. He loves to hold my hand when I am there. At present he is spending most of the day alone in his room, apart from my daily visits, which is breaking my heart. I have arranged for a social worker to visit on Thursday to discuss the situation with her. I am pleased you have replied and that someone understands what I am going through. I am reasonably fit, drive and I am seven years younger than hubby.
     
  4. ShellW

    ShellW Registered User

    Aug 4, 2014
    17
    Stockton on Tees
    Hi again
    Really understand what you are saying I am 15 yrs younger than my husband and it sounds as though both of our husbands are similar in their disabilities. I think a lot will depend upon how good you/ we are at arranging time off and accepting offers of help from anywhere. I regret not taking up people on their offers and part of that is my independence, I think I would try to do things differently if Jon did come home. It seems so final him going into a home, but my younger sister tonight suggested that I looked on it as a trial for 4-6 weeks and if it's not felt to be working then maybe we could think about alternatives .I found that reassuring and it calmed me down a bit. I don't know about you, but for me the anxiety has been awful to try and control, I finally gave on today and got some propranolol from my GP and organised some counselling.
     
  5. Caroleca

    Caroleca Registered User

    Jan 11, 2014
    332
    Ontario canada
    What about considering bringing him home for a few days at a time...maybe for a weekend? Just a thought. That's what dad does with mom ...he spends all day with her at the home. By the end of the weekend he is ready to take mom back and she is always ready to go back.
    I know you r both in agony...I watch dad go through the same....bl***y horrible disease.
    Carole
     
  6. CJinUSA

    CJinUSA Registered User

    Jan 20, 2014
    1,127
    eastern USA
    Hello. My mother has been with us for 8 years, 7 of them under the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. She is in the latter half of her 90s at this point. When it came to having to do something about her, my sisters all said to institutionalize her in a nice "assisted living" facility. It was thinkable, but not ideal, in my view, because then I'd always have to be going over to visit her, leaving my pets, my work (I can do part of my job in my home), and my whole household behind. Plus, it would have cost slightly more. By having her in our home, making the necessary adjustments, of course, I am able to have my life almost as fully as if she were not here with us, when the caregivers are here. The drawbacks include lack of privacy on the days the carers are here, dealing with the carers' conversation when I'd really rather be working (if they are here, I can have my life back, a bit), and the overnight care and loss of sleep (my mother can no longer toilet herself). Still, for us, it is a much better situation. I oversee the care on a daily basis and can tell when carers are not a good fit with our household but esp my mother. It's a hard decision, but I'd encourage you to go ahead and bring him home if you feel this way. I believe much of this is in the attitude of the one who is losing the life moments to caregiving in the home, and if you have a compassionate attitude about it and just want the best for him, that is a major place to be in while trying out the idea of having him home again.
     
  7. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    4,999
    UK
    You need to think of all the things you would have to get help with.

    Carers 4 times a day for 15 minutes a time = ONE hour a day. What if he needed changing an hour after they left? Could you move him on your own to change him? If not then he would be at high risk of bed sores.

    He would need two carers to move him, are you strong enough to be one of those two? If not, then the cost would very high.

    Can you leave him while you pop to the shops for food? If not who would sit with him? People who say they will help or will pop in either don't or think that means 30 minutes once every two weeks, if that. Their lives take over and you are left not coping.

    What if you became ill? He would be removed to a care home not your choice.

    Make sure you think this through, write it all down. Think in it for at least two weeks after that. Just because someone else is doing the heavy lifting doesn't mean you can't spend time with him in the home. Try to get there at meal times as he might be more awake.
     
  8. sistermillicent

    sistermillicent Registered User

    Jan 30, 2009
    2,951
    I agree with everything lemony says, above. But it is possible in theory to bring him home if you are prepared to work so hard, though to me it would be preferable to make his care home room into a home from home and spend a lot of time there with him.

    If you are serious about bringing him home, and it comes across very strongly that you are, have you considered looking in all the church parish magazines for adverts for local independent carers, I have noticed them and contacted some about my mum when we thought she would be coming home and needing nursing. They were lovely and would help out if we need it. We were prepared to convert a bedroom and the bathroom for her needs as she didn't look likely ever to walk again. However, she is able to move a little and she is home, dad is managing on his own with sitters and respite. I have no idea how he does this but I think the power of love comes into it.
     
  9. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,313
    Female
    South coast
    Of course he wont, because you will be there, where ever he is.
    Mum is in a CH and she has her own furniture, pictures and things around her, so it looks like her room. Now she is there I no longer worry about her and because other people are doing the "heavy" caring I can spend quality time with her.
     
  10. ShellW

    ShellW Registered User

    Aug 4, 2014
    17
    Stockton on Tees
    Hi BG
    Been in to see Jon twice today at the home and, I have to say, he seems fine . The staff are really good with him, he has had a day watching the rugby and being introduced to the other residents. I popped back again tonight and he is fast asleep , tucked up in bed. I know it is early days but he seems to be settling in and I feel much more reassured that the home may work out. We specifically chose this home because of the good reputation of the staff and so far so good.
    I am aware that your situation may be different to ours and you have to do what you feel is right , but it may be worth while hanging in there a little bit longer .
     
  11. Padraig

    Padraig Registered User

    Dec 10, 2009
    1,039
    Hereford
    If you really wish to know what it's like to remove a spouse from a Nursing Home, PM me and I'll give you a free download of my book: 'Alzheimer's Care My Way'.

    While my late wife was in a NH I was stressed and had problems with sleep. Each time I visited every day neither both our healths were affected.
    She was bedridden and on an air mattress due to pressure sores. By removing her against all advice I set about tackling the many underlying causes of her condition.

    My worries and stress evaporated one I was in control. Nine months later I was taking her out in a wheelchair every day for a stroll, and shopping twice a week. Where I went, she was with me, bank, dentist, around town and on country walks. As for the what ifs, I never entertained them, I lived for and in the moment which lasted another four years. The power of love can work wonders.

    I'm open to questions as to how I managed to return my wife to good physical health and provide her with a good quality of life in her final years.
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,652
    Kent
    When my husband went into his care home I insisted he should sit in the main sitting room and eat in the dining room and only use his bedroom for sleeping.

    The home complied with my wishes and I visited several times a week and made sure he saw me making friends with other residents, even though I devoted my time to him.

    There was never any intention to bring him home for visits. I know it has been done with others successfully but I was frightened to take the risk of bringing him home and then needing to take him back.
    I felt it would be showing him what he was missing.

    In time he settled . He became very comfortable . He did die in the care home but well before then it had become his home.
     
  13. CAL28

    CAL28 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2014
    11
    Dorset
    My parents live a couple of miles away and I help them most days which I don't mind. My Mum has Alzheimers which is slowly getting worse and unable to do much rotund the house. My Dad had various on going heath issues which he has regular hospital and GP appointments for. My husband and myself were thinking of selling our house and moving in with them which would need an extension or selling both houses and buying somewhere bigger together. Nothing has been mentioned to parents yet but my Dad and Mum really need help but he won't have careers in but will except help from us. More so when I have had to move in when he was in hospital and recovering at home. Spending time with them really disrupts our family life but if we were all together it would be less stressful. Also Mum can't be left for long so Dad doesn't get much of a break but if we were there he would have more free time and be able to do his hobbies. Also Mum would have our dogs around her which she loves and enjoys watching them playing in the garden.
    Has anyone else been in this situation and what did they do?
     
  14. Billy's Girl

    Billy's Girl Registered User

    Oct 8, 2013
    76
    West Yorkshire
    Changing of heart

    I was full of optimism about bringing hubby home but then began to have doubts. The main thing I seemed to be forgetting is my own health has not been good. I am on a course of antidepressants which I don't want to be on for life. These have helped. I am also a very light and poor sleeper. What about when the tablets stop and what about the sleep? I will be listening for every noise and will never settle. Fortunately he is settling in now, and the staff are really caring. He is bed bound because of his fracture but they have discussed their plans for getting him a bit more mobile. Yesterday afternoon the sun was shining through his window and I took my iPad in to play him his favourite music, which sent him snoozing. Today was a black cloud day and I did not go out of the house. I knew he was having two sets of visitors, but I could not lift my mood. It got me to thinking, what would happen if I had him home and I was like this. I have therefore decided that I will take things day by day and see how things work out. He is safe and cared for every hour of the day and hardly a day goes by without a visitor. I shall be there again tomorrow, but have decided to give myself two days off each week as I do easily get despondent and need to gif myself a break.
     
  15. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,313
    Female
    South coast
    A CH is always a difficult decision, BG, but I really do think it is the right one for you. Im glad to hear that he is getting lots of visitors.
    I think that taking it day by day is the way forward
    xx
     

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