Father-in-law refuses to acknowledge mother-in-law’s diagnosis and is preventing assistance

[Penco]

Hi, I’m new to this group and also to dementia so am grateful for any advice and guidance. My mother-in-law (80) has had gradual memory issues for the past five years. She was assessed at The Memory Clinic early last year. The early stages of dementia were confirmed. Since this point my father-in-law has discouraged and lately prevented her from seeking any further medical advice / assistance. He insists that they are both ‘fine’ and that they can manage. My mother-in-law repeats this assurance parrot fashion.

Both seem to have been managing, but in the past few weeks there has been a noticeable deterioration in my mother-in-law’s mental and physical condition. She recently met my brother-in-law at the door in tears claiming that my father-in-law is controlling her. Her hair was in need of a wash and her feet were bare. Always exceedingly house proud, her home is now noticeably less clean.

My father-in-law has prostate cancer and has been given a prognosis of five years. He insists that they will deal with my mother-in-law’s diagnosis once his condition has been resolved (!). He will not entertain any further discussion regarding help or support for his wife. The family are becoming increasingly upset and frustrated at this intransigence but do not know how to proceed given their father’s stubbornness. Any help and advice regarding how to seek help and support their mother without causing a massive family rift will be extremely welcome.

 

[canary]

This sort of family dynamic is very common, especially in the older generation who are fiercely proud, have been brought up not to complain and just get on with things, and see outside "interference" (especially from Social Services) as a source of shame.

Many many spouses up and down the country are hiding the true extent of the person with dementias symptoms - often because the person with dementia is unable to comprehend their own symptoms, insists that they have nothing wrong with them and the spouse feels that it is a betrayal or going behind their back to say otherwise.

There is also the point that people with dementia who have lost insight into their own symptoms complain that their main carer is controlling them. My OH accused me of telling him what to do and say, controlling him and preventing him from doing things, when in reality he was no longer able to do things.

So it is difficult to unpick what is going on.

My MIL hid FILs dementia symptoms. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia, but she continued looking after him at home, with no help, right up to the end. Looking back with the benefit of experience I dont know how she did it, but it took a terrible toll on her health and after he died she started to exhibit dementia symptoms herself within a very short time. Your dad may be in denial, or purposely covering up for your mum, but the illogic of him saying that he will deal with your mum after his prostate cancer is sorted out, does make me wonder whether he too is developing dementia

 

[Penco]

This sort of family dynamic is very common, especially in the older generation who are fiercely proud, have been brought up not to complain and just get on with things, and see outside "interference" (especially from Social Services) as a source of shame.

Many many spouses up and down the country are hiding the true extent of the person with dementias symptoms - often because the person with dementia is unable to comprehend their own symptoms, insists that they have nothing wrong with them and the spouse feels that it is a betrayal or going behind their back to say otherwise.

There is also the point that people with dementia who have lost insight into their own symptoms complain that their main carer is controlling them. My OH accused me of telling him what to do and say, controlling him and preventing him from doing things, when in reality he was no longer able to do things.

So it is difficult to unpick what is going on.

My MIL hid FILs dementia symptoms. He was diagnosed with vascular dementia, but she continued looking after him at home, with no help, right up to the end. Looking back with the benefit of experience I dont know how she did it, but it took a terrible toll on her health and after he died she started to exhibit dementia symptoms herself within a very short time. Your dad may be in denial, or purposely covering up for your mum, but the illogic of him saying that he will deal with your mum after his prostate cancer is sorted out, does make me wonder whether he too is developing dementia

Thank you Canary. You raise some interesting points.

 

[cobden 28]

In other words, your FIL with a diagnosis of cancer with five years left to live won't allow your MIL to have any help for her dementia until after he's dead? How ridiculous ! Either FIL is just a plain control freak or maybe he's showing signs of dementia himself, perhaps.......?

 

[Dunroamin]

Someone needs to act as advocate no matter what FiL thinks or wants.

It may be worth trying to contact a Macmillan nurse (who it can explain to FIL she is there to help him.] Raising the current situation with the nurse may be the way in to getting help for MIL by the back door. If the nurse thinks there is a safeguarding issue she will take that forward.

Try the Macmillan support line in the interim

Emotional, financial and physical help for people with cancer

Whether you need help paying bills, advice on benefits or treatment, or just want to chat, find out about the different ways we can help.

www.macmillan.org.uk

 

[canary]

It may be worth trying to contact a Macmillan nurse (who it can explain to FIL she is there to help him.] Raising the current situation with the nurse may be the way in to getting help for MIL by the back door.

Thats a good idea!

 

[Penco]

Thank you for all of the helpful observations and suggestions.