Family visiting from abroad - do I plan for my wife to come to our home?

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Frank68, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. Frank68

    Frank68 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2013
    76
    South Coast
    Hi,

    My wife Sue has been in a Care Home since July 10th where she appears to be quite settled and well cared for (though I am in bits}. She is quite muddled and quite a way down the AD line of course, or I would have been able to cope longer at home.

    Our Son, his wife and their 2 children (11 and 9 yrs) live in Dubai, and are coming to stay for their annual visit. We are very close despite the distance, making good use of Skype etc and I have been trying to explain the Sue that they are coming by looking at photos. They, and our other two offspring (one of them living in USA) are all incredibly supportive.

    The Care Home have said that we are welcome to have a picnic in the garden there - or they'll lay on tea. Plus we will all go to Church on the Sunday (Sue has virtually no language but sings her heart out) and do some of her usual routine with coffee out, meeting up with a few local friends a few at a time and so on.

    Here is my question: It is generally perceived to be unwise / unsettling / potentially distressing to visit the family home once someone goes into residential care. My head fully understands that, but my heart longs to have her in our family home with the family visiting.... Most days I long to just bring her home anyway - so it might be distressing / unsettling for me too.

    Has anyone out there ever brought their OH back to their home - and what was the result?

    I have a programme planned but not involving our home just seems another twist in the wound...

    Frank
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,089
    Kent
    Hello Frank

    I didn`t dare.

    Even though my husband didn`t know his own home half the time, when he lived here, I didn`t dare bring him back for a visit just in case he didn`t want to leave.

    In all the years I`ve been with TP I can only recall one regular member taking her husband home.
     
  3. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,478
    Ireland
    I'm with Grannie G. I didn't bring my husband home for a visit either. Like you, my head knew I could no longer cope, but I couldn't have borne to bring him home and then bring him back to the nursing home. Once he was in the nursing home, I never brought him out anywhere. I had had a lot of difficulty getting him in and out of my tiny car, as he just forgot how to sit in and get his legs in. When family visited (also all overseas), they visited him in the nursing home.
     
  4. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,622
    Female
    London
    If she does not recognise her former home, it may leave you heartbroken.
    If she recognise it, it may leave her heartbroken when she has to leave it again, as it will remind her of what she has lost.

    So, no, I wouldn't.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    9,855
    Female
    South coast
    Taking her out of her care home where she is settled and bringing her back to your home will make her very unsettled and confused. Add to this a lot of additional family members who (with the best will in the world) wont truly understand about her dementia (and she probably wont remember who they are either) and it could be disastrous - I could envisage a meltdown.

    I know your heart wants to bring her back, but please dont do it. A picnic at the care home sounds lovely to me.
     
  6. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    My husband lives at home with me and is Stage 6 somewhere. This morning when we came back from the paper shop he stood outside and told me he would wait there for me. He didn't recognise our house even though we'd only been gone ten minutes.

    You have to accept a new reality which is different from your own. Try not to make choices which would turn the clock back. It wont work. Enjoy your son and his family and let your wife enjoy her new reality and new Home.
     
  7. LizK

    LizK Registered User

    Dec 18, 2015
    124
    Surrey
    I wouldn't recommend bringing her home. I did it once a few months after my husband's admission to a nursing home. He refused to get into the car to return to the nursing home, and finally when I managed to get him into the car, he refused to get out the other end. We sat in the home's car park for 15 min before I managed to get him out. it really upset both of us, and I haven't done it since.

    Liz
     
  8. Frank68

    Frank68 Registered User

    Jan 28, 2013
    76
    South Coast
    Thank you...

    for all your replies. I have always been rather led by my heart, and your wise words have strengthened my head to-day!
    Does anyone remember the Weeble toys - our kids had them back in the 70's? That's me now - wobbling along from day to day!
    Frank x
     
  9. ellejay

    ellejay Registered User

    Jan 28, 2011
    4,014
    Essex
    Remember Frank, Weebles wobble but they won't fall down :)

    Lin x
     

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