Family Problems

[Calvin Oxford]

I am new to this website and am seeking advice regarding my situation at home. I have been looking after my mother for over five years, but she's only been diagnosed for a year and a half. I have a constant battle with my siblings as they don't appreciate my role and seem to do everything they can to make my life difficult caring. One has now convinced my mother that I am not her carer and I have been asked to leave.
I'm at my wits end and unsure the best course to follow.

 

[starryuk]

This is horrible. Who has asked you to leave? Your mum or a sibling? Whose idea was it?
What will happen if you leave? What have the siblings in mind for her care?

I think you need to make sure your siblings understand your mum's care needs clearly. Write down everything involved on the worst days. I just wonder if your mum has been denying that she needs help(very common) and your siblings are taking it at face value.

Good luck. Talk to your siblings.

 

[Noorza]

Helllo and welcome to TP I so understand the problems with family members. Who has asked you to leave? Do you have somewhere to go? Who will look after Mum if you are not there? Sorry just questions and no answers right now.

 

[loveahug]

Hi Calvin and welcom to Talking Point. This place is a lifeline for carers and sufferers alike.

What an awful situation to be placed in. If your mum has been persuaded that you are not her carer, does she still recognise you as her child? Have you appraised Social Services of the fact that, if you have to leave, she will be 'at risk'? Will she forget that she's told you to leave?. Is there a hidden agenda? Do you have POA?

A whole load of questions, but the answers may point the way forward. You don't have to share them with us though.

Best wishes for you both, it's a grotty situation to have to deal with.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

This is horrible. Who has asked you to leave? Your mum or a sibling? Whose idea was it?
What will happen if you leave? What have the siblings in mind for her care?

I think you need to make sure your siblings understand your mum's care needs clearly. Write down everything involved on the worst days. I just wonder if your mum has been denying that she needs help(very common) and your siblings are taking it at face value.

Good luck. Talk to your siblings.

My mother in her anger asked me to leave, but I suspect a particular sibling has put it into her head. As for talking to siblings, they are all in denial and think there is nothing wrong with mother, tho they know of the diagnosis.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

Helllo and welcome to TP I so understand the problems with family members. Who has asked you to leave? Do you have somewhere to go? Who will look after Mum if you are not there? Sorry just questions and no answers right now.

Not sure yet whats going to happen. My siblings think calling in for a chat is all thats needed and wont listen when I try to explain things.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

Hi Calvin and welcom to Talking Point. This place is a lifeline for carers and sufferers alike.

What an awful situation to be placed in. If your mum has been persuaded that you are not her carer, does she still recognise you as her child? Have you appraised Social Services of the fact that, if you have to leave, she will be 'at risk'? Will she forget that she's told you to leave?. Is there a hidden agenda? Do you have POA?

A whole load of questions, but the answers may point the way forward. You don't have to share them with us though.

Best wishes for you both, it's a grotty situation to have to deal with.

Mother is well aware of who I am, but unable to reason adequately to realise when someone is feeding her unhelpful comments from siblings, which is what I cannot stop. I definitely believe there is a hidden agenda by one particular individual that has mothers ear and wants secretly to oust and replace me.

I have no power of attourney as have been warned off this by siblings, one in particular.

 

[loveahug]

I think to start with you should diarise your whole day and exactly what you do with and for your mum. If you have any legal standing in the property (joint tenant, part owner etc) then you can't be forced to leave without a court order. Could you contat your local Alzheimer's Society and ask for an advocate to visit/advise. When you and your siblings get together, set out the care schedule and ask point blank who would like to take it over (does mum get Attendance Allowance, do you get carer's allowance?). I don't know how many of you there are, but surely you would then get some back up from others. There is a long litany of siblings in denial on Talking Point, together with invisible siblings, it jsut adds to the frustrations of dealing with dementia care.

Good luck

 

[Jessbow]

How have they convinced her that you are not her carer if you are there day in, day out doing the caring?

What would happen if you did go away for the weekend?

 

[Calvin Oxford]

How have they convinced her that you are not her carer if you are there day in, day out doing the caring?

What would happen if you did go away for the weekend?

How: Repeatedly telling her and convincing her she doesn't need help. I have also found evidence that while I was away on carers break she wasn't eating, even tho siblings said they would care for her.

 

[Noorza]

My mother in her anger asked me to leave, but I suspect a particular sibling has put it into her head. As for talking to siblings, they are all in denial and think there is nothing wrong with mother, tho they know of the diagnosis.

I understand this totally, take a step back ask yourself what is in your mum's best interest which is not the same as what she wants in a dementia temper. Dementia tempers make those with dementia their own worst enemies in my experience. Ask yourself what is right for Mum, then follow that for as long as you can. Sometimes we have to walk to protect ourselves, I've been close to walking away, very close but have so far managed to hang on by my fingertips.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

I think to start with you should diarise your whole day and exactly what you do with and for your mum. If you have any legal standing in the property (joint tenant, part owner etc) then you can't be forced to leave without a court order. Could you contat your local Alzheimer's Society and ask for an advocate to visit/advise. When you and your siblings get together, set out the care schedule and ask point blank who would like to take it over (does mum get Attendance Allowance, do you get carer's allowance?). I don't know how many of you there are, but surely you would then get some back up from others. There is a long litany of siblings in denial on Talking Point, together with invisible siblings, it just adds to the frustrations of dealing with dementia care.

Good luck

I have kept a diary of what happens each day. I only live with my mother and dont know if I have any legal rights to stay, tho if this lack of support for my role continues I may have to leave to keep the peace. But then I worry about the level of care she will then receive, or lack of it and what it will do to her health. I have contacted Altz Soc and a visit is planned. Mother gets AA, but only after I fought siblings and family to get it, they were dead against it and was berated for doing so without their consent!!! I dont get paid for my caring role. The family are not on my side due to this one sibling blackening my name. Now I have to fight to help mother in every way, but as shes now been convinced I am not her carer and doesn't need help, I am concerned what will happen to her.

 

[Noorza]

How have they convinced her that you are not her carer if you are there day in, day out doing the caring?

What would happen if you did go away for the weekend?

My experience is with dementia, they are vulnerable, easily manipulated, prey to abusers, this is not a difficult thing for manipulative people to achieve all too sadly. This is the nature of dementia.

 

[Noorza]

How: Repeatedly telling her and convincing her she doesn't need help. I have also found evidence that while I was away on carers break she wasn't eating, even tho siblings said they would care for her.

It is very common for those with dementia to be in denial and it is therefore easy for people to persuade them they don't need help. I am not an expert just one who has experience of difficult siblings who would do more harm than good.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

I understand this totally, take a step back ask yourself what is in your mum's best interest which is not the same as what she wants in a dementia temper. Dementia tempers make those with dementia their own worst enemies in my experience. Ask yourself what is right for Mum, then follow that for as long as you can. Sometimes we have to walk to protect ourselves, I've been close to walking away, very close but have so far managed to hang on by my fingertips.

Its so difficult when the whole family are dead against me being there. Because they are naive to the condition they don't realise what is needed, nor support me in providing this. I have even tried to give them helpful leaflets that explain Dementia and they have refused to read them. They also refuse to go on any course to be better informed. My efforts to explain the situation at home have then resulted in bullying tactics toward me.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

My experience is with dementia, they are vulnerable, easily manipulated, prey to abusers, this is not a difficult thing for manipulative people to achieve all too sadly. This is the nature of dementia.

I know, I just wish something could be done to prevent it. At least inform them fully of the condition so that they realise what needs to be done and support me instead of blaming me.

 

[Noorza]

I know, I just wish something could be done to prevent it. At least inform them fully of the condition so that they realise what needs to be done and support me instead of blaming me.

Those who criticise are generally the people who are not hands on, not the ones doing the caring, not the ones who see the day to day issues. The person who needs the caring hang on to those who say they don't need caring for like a lifeline ironically to maintain their independence. I am in the same situation, focus on what is right for your Mum and hang on to that, be guided by that and take the support from people who do understand in your life.

I have some good friends who have been amazing support, I hope you have the same in your life.

 

[Calvin Oxford]

Those who criticise are generally the people who are not hands on, not the ones doing the caring, not the ones who see the day to day issues. The person who needs the caring hang on to those who say they don't need caring for like a lifeline ironically to maintain their independence. I am in the same situation, focus on what is right for your Mum and hang on to that, be guided by that and take the support from people who do understand in your life.

I have some good friends who have been amazing support, I hope you have the same in your life.

I have only a few friends, and my best friend who supported me died recently, so feel isolated. Thank you all for your help and support, it is much appreciated.

 

[chris53]

Calvin, welcome I have to ask WHY? your mum and indeed you as the main carer are very vulnerable, so glad you have kept a diary on day to day goings on, your family, and forgive my bluntness are just making things hard on an illness they will not accept or indeed understand, please do get in touch with mums social worker and let them have it both barrels you will get so much support here but you do need the powers that be sort out some form of help, and now.....there seems to be a hidden agenda with your family again WHY, they do not seem to help or care, so these issues you will need to look at, if at all possible please have a chat with mums GP urgently, and let it be known the problems you are having with mums welfare, this is allowed and it would be good to have this on record, you will not be asking for information but giving them information, they can push for social services to review this sad situation, please do keep posting, please do keep nagging for practical help, take care,Chris

 

[Calvin Oxford]

Calvin, welcome I have to ask WHY? your mum and indeed you as the main carer are very vulnerable, so glad you have kept a diary on day to day goings on, your family, and forgive my bluntness are just making things hard on an illness they will not accept or indeed understand, please do get in touch with mums social worker and let them have it both barrels you will get so much support here but you do need the powers that be sort out some form of help, and now.....there seems to be a hidden agenda with your family again WHY, they do not seem to help or care, so these issues you will need to look at, if at all possible please have a chat with mums GP urgently, and let it be known the problems you are having with mums welfare, this is allowed and it would be good to have this on record, you will not be asking for information but giving them information, they can push for social services to review this sad situation, please do keep posting, please do keep nagging for practical help, take care,Chris

Thanks Chris, well put and well taken. Will contact doctor soon as I can, (leg in plaster makes things difficult at the mo).
...Now have lift to doctors on Thursday.