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Family Problems

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
Thanks Chris, well put and well taken. Will contact doctor soon as I can, (leg in plaster makes things difficult at the mo).

Please be assured that there are many on here who have experience of family members who will not care, who will not do the practical things that need doing but who will judge those who are at the sharp end. Your story though sad is not new, you are not alone. You are not the first and sadly you will not be the last. I only wish that family who are not willing or able to be the one to do the full on caring can be grateful to those who do. Sadly this is so often not the case.

Do right by your mum, and focus on that not siblings.
 

starryuk

Registered User
Nov 8, 2012
1,323
0
Hi Calvin
I have just thought of something else. Does your mum still have enough capacity to create her Power of Attorney? If not, she needs to make one soon. Sorry to add another problem into the mix, but it is important:(
 

Calvin Oxford

Registered User
Oct 15, 2013
14
0
Oxford
Hi Calvin
I have just thought of something else. Does your mum still have enough capacity to create her Power of Attorney? If not, she needs to make one soon. Sorry to add another problem into the mix, but it is important:(

I'm really not sure, is the answer. I mentioned I didn't want POA as they all think I'm in it for the money, mum's or the states (tho I don't get any). I had mentioned that maybe the siblings should take that side over so it saves more arguments and distrust. Whether they have done that I don't know.
This morning she told me to leave. Now shes told me the doctors have told her and my siblings that the drugs have righted her condition and she doesn't need a carer !!!

Hopefully my visit to the doctors on Thursday will help clarify the situation. Dementia Oxfordshire are also sending someone to meet me and discuss the present situation and a possible way forward.
 
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Calvin Oxford

Registered User
Oct 15, 2013
14
0
Oxford
I would just like to say a big thank you for the helpful comments you have all made and the thought provoking questions too. When feeling all alone - its like having a life line throw you. THANK YOU.
 
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Calvin Oxford

Registered User
Oct 15, 2013
14
0
Oxford
I may be offline for a while. Things have made a turn for the worse. Have phoned helpline and am awaiting call back. I need to get out of the house away from family. They are doing my head in and I cant take much more.
Thanks for all your help.
 

Forestridge

Registered User
Feb 10, 2013
114
0
Calvin, so sorry you're in this position. At this point you need to protect yourself as it's vital you don't go under. Sometimes you need to accept you've tried and take time out, knowing there will eventually be a crisis but that will not be your fault as you have tried.

I've had a nightmare with my Mum this year. My Brother lives abroad and has not seen her for 4.5 years. She was getting worse and ended up in a CH pending a Best Interests meeting. The first time my Brother spoke to the SW he told her I was trying to protect my inheritance. I was Attorney for finance at the time and it was a very serious accusation, plus I have children and I think if the accusation was found to have substance there's a good chance Children Services would have been notified.

DH and I were working for my Brother. He effectively fired me and said he was reducing DH's days. Mum told SW I was evil and plotting against her. Then later that I was trying to sell her bungalow to get money and I had encouraged her to complain about the daily carers. I have requested I am written out of her Will which is being done and resigned as Attorney on the finance POA to protect myself against further accusations.

My GP has been great and told me I must not be involved in Mum's future care due to the effect it has had in my health. SS have said the consider I have acted in Mum's Best Interests at all times (I always did what the health professionals told me) I am starting to rebuild my life which quite frankly was in bits and I will be having counselling.

My Mum did well in the CH with correct meds, hydration, food and care. She has now regained capacity and is home with live in carers. My Brothe has still not come over but is arranging the Health and Welfare POA and will be sole attorney as for the finance one. I did have a call from Mum this week on my Birthday and have agreed to go for a cuppa if she rings to arrange it (apparently current carer is nosy, there is dust in the air so she wanted to wait till the new one). I've said I will not discuss what she said about me in capacity assessments as not true and very upsetting.

Possibly we may regain some kind of relationship but I will never be involved on her care again. I can cope with the nastiness of Dementia but when a sibling turns on yours my Brother did, that cuts deep. Looking back I would have walked away sooner to protect me and my children. I'm sorry to go on so long but please learn from my experience, protect yourself. You can't change other's behaviour, just how you respond to it.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
I love the last line in your post which has had to become my new mantra this year. Your siblings sound like a nightmare, two of mine are too. I prefer the invisibles.

The biggest problem I find is that the person with dementia believes often what they are saying is true, so if you correct them that you are not the devil incarnate, then you become a liar too. You can't win either way.
 

Forestridge

Registered User
Feb 10, 2013
114
0
It's so sad we have to have this as our Mantra Noorza. You're so right, you can't win either way and I've given up trying. Mum did say on the phone she doesn't think I was after her money as her cleaner said I wouldn't do that. The same cleaner Mum thought was stealing earlier this year.

Another thing I have found is that Mum will say one thing to me and another to Brother. The CH heard her in action and said in fairness to Brother she sounds very convincing. Thy also said this is more common than you would think and it goes undetected until a third party says as you don't think your parent will do that to you.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,542
0
I am not sure how much is bad behaviour and how much is the dementia, probably a combination of the two and throw in some attention seeking for good measure. :(
 

blandford516

Registered User
May 16, 2012
262
0
Hi all,
I agree with Nooza dont give in please. I too have siblings who shout the loudest and do nothing for my mum. They have no idea of her fears ,habits and fail to even sit with her . They dont even visit her and yet feel the need to know what is best for her . Strange behaviour really ! Those who really care and are compassionate and have been there are the best people to care and advise . Hope you are ok and dont let siblings get you down, they know nothing ! x