False beliefs

[StarsAndOtters]

I feel so out of my depth with this… mum has mid stage Alzheimer’s which has brought out her more difficult (narcissistic) traits. She lives a few houses away from us in a small village.
She has become obsessed with the idea that our neighbour is having an affair with her (mum’s) handyman and that this is why he has said he can’t come to do odd jobs any more.
This is not true. He has quit because he has had enough of her rudeness. There is no affair.
Mum keeps saying she has been rude to the neighbour and needs to apologise but then talks about how ‘that woman is shacked up’ with him. This is not true. He lives in the nearby city. She thinks his van is always parked outside the house but it is not.
She is talking about it to others in the village which obviously has the power to cause a lot of hurt, particularly given our neighbour is caring for her terminally ill husband.
It is her only topic of conversation and I am running out of ideas to deal with this. She gets so angry and puts the phone down if I try to correct her.
I’m really struggling with this - we have a tricky relationship at the best of times as she was very emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up (and still can be!) so whilst I am doing my best trying to care for her, it is not easy!

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome @StarsAndOtters

This sounds like a nightmare. Because of her dementia there is no way your mum will listen to reason and I`m really sorry but I have no idea how you can sort this problem.

I can only suggest you contact the dementia helpline and also the admiral nurse helpline.

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

What is an Admiral Nurse and how can they help?

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

 

[StarsAndOtters]

Thankyou - I will give them a ring today! 🙂

 

[Sarasa]

A welcome from me too @StarsAndOtters. My mother was similar in that she thought the neighbours were stealing from her, and committing hate crimes against her. She told anyone who’d listen about it. I was worried as one of the neighbours was a teacher. I’m sure if mum found out where she worked she’d have been on the phone to complain. No amount of me telling her it wasn’t true helped, as in her head it was true. She was convinced they’d got copies of her keys from a locksmith for instance, even though the guy told her it wasn’t something he would do.
The only way to stop it was to distract her with something else, but that didn’t last long and she’d be back to complaining.
I’m afraid that it was one of the things that made me decide mum needed to move into care, which is probably not something you’re considering just yet. However it might be worth starting to look at suitable places, just in case.

 

[northumbrian_k]

My wife said that I had a girlfriend living in our street, an ex-boss who I was helping to set up in a new home by stealing small items such as coasters. I was also up on the roof fixing it. All a complete mish mash of partly remembered and made up things.

It can be really hard to move on from such strange stories if the person talks about them all the time. I gave up arguing, explaining and rationalising as they made no difference. Explaining to others only goes so far as it seems that some people are willing to believe the strangest - and worst - about their neighbours and friends.

I have no easy solution other than trying to move the focus onto conversations about less emotive and destructive subjects.

 

[JoannePat]

I can relate to these conversations. My dad gets completely embroiled in either made up scenarios/situations or completely exaggerates a situation.

I agree with @northumbrian_k try to switch focus onto something else, which is never easy.

Sending hugs and luck!

Joanne x

 

[canary]

Im afraid that false beliefs and false memories are a feature of mid-stage dementia.
Their memory has reduced so much that they only have fragments of memory left and the brain is trying to make sense of them and is filling in the gaps with old memories, stuff from TV, snatches of conversations, half remembered dreams and large dollop of imagination.

You can sort of see how the dementia logic works @StarsAndOtters - the person with dementia at this stage usually isnt able to understand that they have changed. Your mum probably doesnt believe that she has been consistently rude to her handyman and therefore her brain is searching for another reason why he is no longer coming.

Once they have got an idea in their head, though, it becomes almost impossible to shift it. It is worse when they start telling friends and neighbours, though because you can see them wondering.......

Do the people your mum is telling this to know that she has dementia? If not I would quietly let them know, and emphasise that your mum has got muddled and this story is not true

 

[Remotecarer]

I feel so out of my depth with this… mum has mid stage Alzheimer’s which has brought out her more difficult (narcissistic) traits. She lives a few houses away from us in a small village.
She has become obsessed with the idea that our neighbour is having an affair with her (mum’s) handyman and that this is why he has said he can’t come to do odd jobs any more.
This is not true. He has quit because he has had enough of her rudeness. There is no affair.
Mum keeps saying she has been rude to the neighbour and needs to apologise but then talks about how ‘that woman is shacked up’ with him. This is not true. He lives in the nearby city. She thinks his van is always parked outside the house but it is not.
She is talking about it to others in the village which obviously has the power to cause a lot of hurt, particularly given our neighbour is caring for her terminally ill husband.
It is her only topic of conversation and I am running out of ideas to deal with this. She gets so angry and puts the phone down if I try to correct her.
I’m really struggling with this - we have a tricky relationship at the best of times as she was very emotionally abusive to me when I was growing up (and still can be!) so whilst I am doing my best trying to care for her, it is not easy!

My own mother has been convinced from time to time that the neighbours think she's pregnant (she's 85).

Two thoughts. One: I'm sorry the handyman had to deal with rudeness but a lot of people will realise they are dealing with dementia or something like it - the cases tend to become obvious over time.

Second: Make sure your Mum's GP knows about this (I'm guessing you'll have thought of this). There may be medication that can help.

One final thing: it's almost never worth arguing because the Alzheimer's will be clouding your mum's judgment. You're basically arguing with an illness and it won't respond any better than a cold will. For your own mental health, it's worth changing the topic rather than addressing the misconceptions head-on.

I wish you well with all of this.

 

[RNcaregiver]

Hi @StarsAndOtters. I completely understand your frustration. I am in a similar situation as my mother gets fixated on several ”stories” that aren’t true. The most frustrating part being even if you’re able to change the subject, due to the short term memory loss, it comes up again one minute later. Best I’m able to do is change her focus to some other activity that will soothe her anxiety. I’m realizing these stories and situations are heightened when she is anxious.

 

[JoannePat]

Isn't it strange how they get so fixated on one thing that they DON'T forget!

Eating, tablets, who we are, what day of the week it is etc. - forgotten!

What is it that keeps that one story turning in their heads?

J x

 

[canary]

Isn't it strange how they get so fixated on one thing that they DON'T forget!

Eating, tablets, who we are, what day of the week it is etc. - forgotten!

What is it that keeps that one story turning in their heads?

J x

Its because new memories are not being laid down. Its like forgetting to write things down in a diary, so that there is just a blank page.
The story that they get in their head usually involves a false memory, which to them seems like the real thing. Against the blank page of no recent memories a false memory that is indistinguishable from a real memory really stands out and its the only thing they "remember"

 

[Rowan23]

My father believes he is being followed everytime he leaves the house by people in cars, no matter where he is, he believes that road users are solely on the road just be keep an eye on him. Quite concerning really, and only tonight hes told me that he wants to goto the police about these people tomorrow.

 

[SeaSwallow]

My father believes he is being followed everytime he leaves the house by people in cars, no matter where he is, he believes that road users are solely on the road just be keep an eye on him. Quite concerning really, and only tonight hes told me that he wants to goto the police about these people tomorrow.

This is a form of paranoia and is quite common with dementia. Have you discussed this with his GP as they might be able to suggest some medication to help.
Would your dad be capable of getting to the police, if not I would not worry too much. Even if he could get to the police station they would probably be understanding. They will have come across similar situations before.

 

[canary]

As seaswallow says - this is quite common. My mum used to think that people chatting in the street were talking about her. People with dementia lose empathy and everything has to be about them. I have a feeling that many of them lose the understanding that other people have separate lives that do not involve them