Eyes like vol-au-vents.....

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Tender Face, Dec 25, 2006.

  1. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    i.e. Puffy .... and a son with a nose red as Rudolph's...... from the angst and crying today wraught by mum ... ok, ok, I know I'm s'posed to acknowledge it's not 'her fault' - but to have 'trashed' the few presents that I foolishly left in her safe-keeping only yesterday ..... to know she has gone on lavish spending sprees for friends and realise my worst fear (in spite of 'hints') there was 'not a bean' for her grandson .... (thank God I put some of my own cash in an envelope for 'sonny' and pretended it was from her......) .

    I am starting to believe and acknowledge ... but not how I wanted on Christmas Day ... hope others have had a more positive time ... but today, for me, really signalled 'the beginning of an end' - not a joyful beginning.....

  2. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Karen sweetie, I'm so sorry it didn't go well. No words of comfort I'm afraid - I'll post more later - I'm still doing my "domestic godess" thing (being 5 hours behind most of you).


  3. abby

    abby Registered User

    Dec 19, 2006
    West Country
    Oh no......pour your self a large drink and soak your feet in a bowl of warm bubbly water....always cheers me up....

    Dad has been here all day and rather than any experience like yours karen, Dad was ' vacant ' a lot of the time....which I found quite upsetting......so wanted it to be special for him....doubt he will remember tomorrow.....his great Grandchildren ( 8 and 5 ) were so kind to him...made him cards and chattered along but were left standing flashing ' what do I do ' looks when he ' wandered of ' and just gazed through them.......so hard to keep them all happy.....of course when he dropped off on the sofa, they had to be be quiet too.....despite bubbling over withXmas excitment.......

    They are both ends of life and I felt I didn't cater for either properly......( not for the want of trying mind ) couldn't let the kids ' rampage as only excited youngsters do at Xmas......nor could I protect dad from the hustle and bustle of the day.......did both but only 50% each and feel inadequate now

    Every seen a dog chase it's tail? That's how I felt.......
  4. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Hon

    I can imagine how bad that makes you feel...........especially when its the one little person who means the most to you...............you'll be feeling hurt for him...........but at least you had it covered, so he won't know anything about it.

    When it comes to his birthday or next year, why don't you suggest you buy his prezzie for her..............i know it doesn't help this time around and you'll still feel hurt............but at least it will stop it happening again.

    I dread to think what else happened, i was hoping you would have had a reasonably nice day!:eek:

    Love Alex x
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Soz that came over as a rant

    Truth, checked in here back then hoping for some validation - that someone was having about as 'glorious' a time of it as me :rolleyes: .... my son has made me hugely proud - but yup - today was yet another closing of a chapter ...... or realisation of just where mum's at and for all I need to protect her I need to protect HIM from the hurt she can meter out - whether she realises it or not .......

    Abby, definitely going for something bubbly at both ends :eek: Who says I can't put my feet in it if I want to ???......:p off to the Tea Room to get me in the party spirit for tomoz....

    Love all .... don't know where I'd be without some of you .... ta, chucks!!!!

    Karen, x
  6. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Karen
    I'm so sorry it went badly today for you......I suppose thats the one positive thing about mum being in hospital........my brood were able to relax......

    i visited her at 2pm and was shocked at my reaction......I felt desperately sad......I wished her "Merry christmas" but she was totally blank.....i took along a couple of her pressies but she just looked at them and said "they're beautiful" without taking the wrapping off.....I did that for her and she loved the wrapping paper so much I left that with her....and took the pressies home........

    If its any consolation Karen......all i hear in my mind over the last week is "its the beginning of the end"........lets hope she proves me wrong.........
    Love Wendy xx
  7. Helena

    Helena Registered User

    May 24, 2006

    Oh how I feel for you

    In a different way our last 2 Xmas's were trashed by my Mother

    Even this year she has somehow managed to cast a huge cloud over things because we have been run off our feet trying to deal with the huge mess of all sorts she left behind her

    Hence trying in a last minute rush to buy presents etc for 6 grandchildren has been a nightmare

    and yes effectively my Mother has lavishly spent on others instead of her family whom she ran ragged

    I just dont know how I would have coped if I was trying to care as you are

    I think I would have quite simply walked out
  8. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    I was dreading Christmas with Mum after last year. She'd only just moved into the NH and just cried all the time and hadn't even opened her present from the NH when we went to see her in the morning. This time she was pleased to see us and appreciated her presents, although she needed help to open them. We had a cup of tea with her and I think she was tired by the time it was time to go, as she seemed happy to say goodbye.
    I felt guilty that we couldn't bring her home for Christmas because of all the practical difficulties, but I really think that she probably wouldn't have coped with a hectic Christmas gathering. My children are now grown up, but I do think that youngsters should have good experiences at Christmas time. An older person suffering from dementia may not realise that it is actually Christmas Day, so perhaps it would be better to celebrate with them on an alternative day, such as Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.
    I would not have thought that a year in a NH could have made such a difference to Mum, but I suppose last year she was still recovering from her broken hip and being moved around from hospital to Care Home and then the Nursing Home. Elderly people are very unpredictable and can change for better or worse as their illness progresses.

    Dear Karen,
    I hope things improve for you over the next few days. Your son may understand more of your mothers condition than you realise and may take everything in his stride. Enjoy the rest of your Christmas with him.
  9. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    Karen, (and all others who have posted here)

    I feel so sad that you have been through such a fraught time. I dont have any answers. I dont know how you all cope. I am lucky this year in a way. My sister, who does very little most of the time with Mum when it comes to the organising of meetings etc, said she would have Mum yesterday. I had to work so would not have had the time early on.

    So, I had time late afternoon and evening to cook the meal and spend precious time with my kids...two of whom are living away now and I dont see them very often. I am counting my blessings for yesterday...but...

    Mum is coming to me today for lunch!!!!....watch this space!

    I hope you can all have a little relaxation today...and by the evening...well, there's always the proverbial glass of something to help blot some of it out!!!...thank goodness for red wine! :)

    Boxing Day hugs to you all,

  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Well done for your quit thinking, you are learning to live with dementia. Like it or not

    Why do I say this, because my mothers use to be like that

    You are at that stage that you are still letting your mother by the parents for Christmas; I realize mum could not do that or she simple forget someone, she would forget to by food let alone presents for every one .

    She use to get it in her head to just lavish a present on one person and that was it, as I see it now would my mother had done that before AZ. I think not, sounds boring but simple really.

    I have to take her money and buy presents for everyone and she loves all the attention kisses she gets from her grandchildren.
    You may not see it as a joyful beginning, because you may be finding it hard letting go and taking over the reasonability from your mother , imagine how hard it is for your mother , knowing how hard it is for you to do this for her . I know with my own mother when she slowly handed me that power how sad we both felt, unspoken it was between us, how ill she is but we both new .

    She has keep saying to me over the last week , am I not fed up with Christmas , I am fed up of seeing her like she is ( I did not say that )

    As I went to midnight mass with my daughter, my mother said “say a pray for me to get better” oh if only I thought.

    Therefore, as I sang to the songs in the church, it lifted my sprits a bit being in the sprite of Christmas and I prayed for myself to help me make it all bearable to take away the sadness and bring in the light .
    So when mum scream my name out at 9am , I thought gosh I have had a lie in , and smiled as my daughter shouts back stop shouting nanny , she was sleeping in my mother room . which I thing was why my mum sleep in , because she was so happy to have all the family under one roof for one day
  11. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Everyone, Glad some of you were able to have a good day yesterday, but so sorry for those who had it spoilt.

    This year we had our first proper family Christmas Lunch EVER.

    Every year, my son, DIL and Grandchildren have gone to Her Mother for Christmas. We have always been by ourselves, because as a Jew and a Hindu, we `don`t celebrate Christmas`. We have never minded, always been perfectly happy by ourselves, and realized that with families scattered, no-one can be in two places at once.

    But even though we `don`t celebrate Christmas`, we DO celebrate family.

    This year, our son and DIL decided they wanted Christmas in their own home. They were all fed up with the five of them having to sleep in 1 room, over the holiday period, of all being squashed together with other family family members for the very strict ritual of an extended family Christmas, that invariably ended up with huge family clashes.

    So as we only live a 5 minute walk from them, we were invited for Christmas Lunch.

    The house looked beautiful, the table looked gorgeous, there were presents on every place setting, the lunch was delicious and everyone was relaxed. There was no pressure, and , best of all, my dear husband, after a couple of glasses of wine, really, really enjoyed himself.

    We only stayed a couple of hours and when we got home he was exhausted and had a `lapse` which lasted a further couple of hours.

    We will be taking it easy today. Too much excitement and all that!!!!!
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Karen, Does your mother live with you? If she does, there`s no escape, but if she doesn`t, does she have to be allowed to spoil your Christmas?

    When I used to have, first my Grandmother and then my Mother, for Christmas lunch, my husband would pick them up and take them home. This way we coould control the length of their visits.

    I know that sounds awful, but sometimes we have to try to balance things and, I believe, the children come first. When adults behave like spoilt children, even if they can`t help it, they shouldn`t be indulged.

    Karen, just occasionally, it`s OK to put yourself first.
    Love Sylvia x
  13. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    Dear Karen

    Hope you're having a better day of it today ... and that your 'rudolph nosed son' is as well! How awful for him to have to deal with your mum (and for you too).

    Thinking of you all.
  14. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #14 Margarita, Dec 26, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2006
    Gosh I was brought up in a culture, that no matter how childes Adult (well I never saw it like that) behaved you had to put up with it and respect them. Giggle behind they back yes, as then a child myself (I had few second untie that had dementia and a grandmother ) . I took that attitude in to my own relationship with my husband and my children, even if it use to **** my husband of with my mother, father , lol could be way I am on my own now :eek: :) only jokeing Merry new year all
  15. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    #15 Lila13, Dec 26, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2006
    Yes, I don't know why "children come first".

    Sometimes yes, but not necessarily always.

    When we were children, and teenagers, it was definitely grandparents (and the whole of their generation) first.

  16. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    We could be splitting hairs here.
    After a childhood of being thought a `second class citizen`, I believe that, as children didn`t ask to be born, we owe them everything.
    I also believe our seniors deserve respect, but NOT unconditionally. We have to earn respect, to deserve it.
    No one has a right to make another person unhappy. I`m the last person to condone children who are spoilt brats, but sometimes adults can be spoilt brats too. Should they be encouraged or discouraged?
  17. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #17 Margarita, Dec 26, 2006
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2006
    Good point , but what happen when they have a disease like AZ and can’t help it , do we take all are baggage of our past into are hear now with them ? when they are acting up, or do something wrong as in forgeting a Present

    I am talking about someone with Dementia/ AZ, not someone has no brain disease. I found that hard as an adult getting that across to my children, when my mother did what felt like hurtful things to them. Over the years they came to understand where my my mother was coming from, I did not want to isolate her from my children, because they found it hard to understand.

    Maybe your talking about seniors Citizens that do not have dementia & are just rude in thinking that children are to be seen and not heard , the old generation altitude yes then I would say then that should be discouraged .

    But someone that has denmentia , I find :confused: a fine line ?!!!
  18. candymostdandy@

    candymostdandy@ Registered User

    May 12, 2006
    west sussex
    I'm moved to tears reading these posts, and can't believe how "lucky" I am..

    Times are trying at times with my mother, she is probably in stage 6, but she still has her sense of humour and fun..

    she loves to be centre of attention, and what with her other grandchildren dropping in yesterday, all the preparations, and drink around, she was in her element...

    she had my son, daughter and daughter's boybriend in stitches, and my son later in the day, said that she had "made christmas"..

    at times we laugh at her, but she always joins in and then laughs at herself....

    the kids see the bad times with her and the good, and understand her limitations...(
  19. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Bravo! Bravo! Grannie G! Children have no 'rights' (other than under EU/HR law and public decency)..... and no (legal) voice....... but every damned right to be honoured, respected and protected (and hopefully loved, too) ....

    Respecting our seniors.... sure.... in the days we could wholeheartedly assume they deserved respect ..... but that's a 'dinosaur' in itself, huh?..... Thank g**dness, some are brave enough to speak out and slay that dinosaur.....

    Love, Karen, x
  20. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    I think you put that beautifully........its so true:)

    Karen I think your son is the same age as mine (11).......its very difficult for them isn't it? I remember shortly after mum had moved in with us.....she had a mega paddy because I couldn't give her her own way.....she ended up literally throwing herself on the floor in a fit of rage......poor James was in floods of tears.....he just couldn't understand it.....he hated seeing his nanna behaving like that........

    I really hope you managed to get a better day today:)
    Love xx

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