1. connie53

    connie53 Registered User

    Jul 26, 2007
    I have had my mother who is 75 and has vascular dementia living with me for the last two and a half years, and have now had enough of the verbal and physical abuse. In fact i now have angina at 52, my sister who is 55 has had a heart attack (she lives with me)We are just waiting on social services to sort out the paperwork for her to go into residential care. Tonight was especially bad, throwing things around and breaking my personal things. I must admit I lost the rag with her after she started to swing her handbag at me. In a way I am not sorry she is going as I am so stressed out with her behaviour. My whole life has been on hold and so miserable that I am relieved that I will not have to put up with the verbal and physical abuse any more.
    I wake up in the morning with her standing at my bed looking menacing...It scares me..that she could really hurt me when i am asleep. Surely I have a right to feel safe in my own home.
  2. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Connie,
    There comes a time when enough is enough. Your Mother but you message would be better off in a Care Home and that is my personel opinion.
    It is taking the toll on you and your sister's health and you both have a life.
    As Carers' there is only so much that we can do.
    The fact you do not feel safe in your own home must be so hard to take.

    I wish you and your sister all the best
  3. rose_of_york

    rose_of_york Registered User

    Mar 22, 2008
    Dear Connie

    You can't go on like this - please don't feel guilty, you will end up being seriously ill if the situation continues.

    I spend much of my time in high anxiety about what my mother is doing in her own home at the other side of town, however there is no way I will ever live with her as I know I'd end up feeling just like you do.

    Hope all goes well

  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    We had to have our mother sectioned four days after I brought her from her home in British Columbia to mine in Ontario. It was extremely difficult but we could see no other options at the time. Actually, we just brought her to hospital to see about getting meds for her and have a doctor examine. She lost it & ended up being involuntarily committed (as we call it).

    Very very difficult but it was the best of our options. My mother also was quite verbally & physically aggressive.

    Two and a half years is a long time to put up with abuse. Yes, she's your mother but you have done all you can do now. You do need to take care of yourself.
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Connie, you raise a hugely important point ...... yes, we try our best ..... but we have basic rights, as carers, too - irrespective of how much we love, how much we care .....

    I do hope the situation is resolved quickly so that you and your sister can concentrate on looking after yourselves primarily,

    Love, Karen, x
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Dear Connie,

    You have done better than your best, tolerating such aggressive behaviour for so long. It is a great shame the strain has affected your health.

    Please do not feel guilty. However much your mother`s behaviour is caused by her condition and is not her fault, the fact she is not in control, speaks for itself.

    Caring for anyone with dementia is both physically and emotionally stressful. When there is aggression threatening physical safety, the line must be drawn.

    I hope you and your sister will be able to recover from your ordeal.

    Love xx
  7. Philippa

    Philippa Registered User

    Feb 26, 2008
    Dear Connie,

    You sound like an absolute saint. Don't feel guilty. Please think of yourself and your sister.

    Sending you all my love, Philippa xx
  8. Nancy B

    Nancy B Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    #8 Nancy B, Mar 23, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2008
    You are entitled to be safe in your own home and if your mum is to remain living with you you must take steps to ensure that you are safe.

    Adult Services can assist with this and you must ask for an assessment. You should look to have a lock on you door and you can have a 'break beam' fitted which would alert you to the fact that your mum was up and about at night giving you time to respond.

    You should also be requesting periods of respite care or to be assessed for a support scheme such as Direct Payments which would provide you with money to enable you to buy in a carer to help assist with your mum.

    Things can be done to help - your mum may have become a victim to this awful illness but you do not need to be a victim too.

    Best of luck!
  9. linda a

    linda a Registered User

    Jun 13, 2006
    Oh Connie

    Oh your poast im so sorry its awfull to want the person you love to just be away from you out of your face not to be called all the time where are you i want you here oh my hart goes out to you i hope you and your sister are able to have a life very soon im your age and my husband is going into respite tomorrow how much im looking farward to it 2 weeks away from him i love him but i dont like this person he has become ,
    I spoke to SS last week as we are waiting for a full time place i was told we might have to wait a long time ,
    Our daught now 19 is now on antidepresants her school work has all gone to pot im hoping her dad will have a place soon as shes going to try her studies at collage in September ,
    But she needs to be able to study at home and too rest have some time,
    SS said she wasnt a sypathetic person (id said to her i needed help not sypathy)id called her to tell her of my daughters plight she had surgested that my daughter went to live somewhere else ,
    these people have no idea,
    well i have gone on but all the best to you Linda a

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